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Jul 30, 2006

Lies or just Truth Disguised

Sick of asking Why,
why to me, did they Lie?
A short guide
to Liars and Lies

1.Convenience Liars.
They organise their memory selectively. They have a simple rule. They can never be wrong. Otherwise nice, and caring, they have a nasty habit of shifting their blame on you.
Example 1 : A coworker who gives you a bad suggestion, and when it backfires, clicks tongue and says "You should have listened to me, and avoided it".
Example 2 : Those who eat junk food frequently and say they dont know why they gained weight.

2.Reality Liars.
While the Convenience Liars, choose to forget whats undesirable, the Reality Liars, alter the reality, to their preferences.
Example : The colleague who tells the family, "I am the most important person at work".
Example 2 : The porn addict who thinks, "They enjoy it and think I am fantastic."
Example 3 : The smoker reading the Warning on the Label
Example 4 : Those who buy a product, which will help them lose weight, even when they eat whatever they want and never exercise.
Example 5 : The persons who decides the school syllabus.

3.Deliberate Liars
They know they are lying. But dont care about it.
Example 1 : Your Boss, talking to the SuperBoss, about you.
Example 2 : Most of the Politicians.

4.Spice it up Liars
They know they are lying, but just garnish or exaggerate, and think its fun and not harmful.
Example : The neighbour who says I honeymooned in Honolulu, when it had been Goa.

5.Technical Liars
They dont tell the truth and fudge few facts.
Example : The advertisement which claims Biscuit is better than milk, never mind the sugar, and the hydrogenated oil, which the body cant digest.

6.Mumbo Jumbo Liars
They mention a few words in a foreign language or a new term, and have you believe, they have said something superior.
Example 1 : A products which has g3 technology.
Example 2 : The doctor who has a tie up with a lab and asks you to take a few tests to test #$#@@#23
Example 3 : Those who pretend to know God personally.
Example 4 : A person who uses this post as a basis for Socio Intellectual Analysis of Human Response in Varied Conditional Situations, subjected to Emotional Alterations, due to Suppressed Multi Stimulative Reasons.

7.Feel Good Liars
They dont tell the truth, but will talk about a small fact, as if it was the whole truth. But they do it because, it makes us feel good, so dont blame them.
Example : The media, which will not talk about a woman dying Every 5 minutes in India due to childbirth, unless, a celebrity decides to talk about it. If that happens, they will talk about the celebrity's latest movie/album/book for 20 minutes and about the issue in a 20 second line.

8.You are so Lucky Liars
When you are convinced that you are lucky and you have a wonderful opportunity, which is exclusive to you in Billion years, amongst Billion people.
Example 1 : Your friend who has joined a multilevel marketing network.
Example 2 : The email you receive from an ex-African leader, who has millions in a bank account.

9.Occupational Liars
They ask you to never worry. And all you have to do is to agree to their suggestion, and do as they say. And they promise to protect you from the big bad wolves.
Example 1 : The agent who asks you to just sign the credit card application, and not bother with filling the details or reading the fine print.
Example 2 : The hardworking people who happen to send spams.

11.Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Truth Liars
Those who make a the truth so long and boring that you waive your right to know it.
Example : The software manufacturers who write The End User Agreements for you to Accept.

12.I Love You Liars
They will proclaim their almost unconditional love to you.
Example : The parent who doesnt care if the child has cheated during exams, as long as, the marks are above, that of the child next door.

13.I Dont Want to be Weird Liars
They will never mention their quirks or their values or any truth about themselves, because they dont want to go against the "society".
Example 1 : The person who has a good intution but keeps quiet about it.
Example 2 : The guy who laughs at a sexist joke, even though he hates it.
Example 3 : People who have to still be in the Closet.

14.Statistics Liars
They will never believe any statistic, unless they want to. And still will use statistics to convey what they want.
Example 1 : The person who will say "There are 3 types of the lies, lies, damned lies and statistics", or "Statistics is like a bikini, it conceals the vital .." when I say 24000 people die Everyday from Hunger.
Example 2 : The people (women) who say, men should be castrated because, most of the rapists are men, and civilisation can go forward through artificial insemination, and thats the best solution to combat rape. And since most men have female relatives, they will agree to it. They forget that, just because most of the rapists are men doesnt mean most of the men are rapists.

15.Effect Liars
They are good intentioned souls, who alter the facts, to tell you the truth.
Example : The spouse who says its a migrane, when its a headache, to get from you the response to headache.

So many excuses and reasons for lies,
Exists everywhere, even though its despised.

Blog Post no. 319 Other Posts in Hmmm series

Jul 27, 2006

Aargh Diaries - Mango Mystery

He said, "Sorry, I dont like mangoes", when the lady in red, offered it to him. And some of us gaped. The rest of us quickly gulped the mango slices we were eating and then gaped. Perhaps he didnt dig the idea of the entire lunchroom, staring at him as if he was a weirdo, or perhaps, being new, he believed lunchhour was only for having lunch, because he got up. He had opened the door, when someone managed to ask him, "Why?".

"Oh. Just like that, you know, I dont like its taste." And he left.

Well work could wait, was the silent mutual consent, as we all stared at each other in shock. Then the theories flowed.

Voice1 "Perhaps as a kid, he was caught stealing mangoes and was given a big beating for it".

Voice2 "Perhaps he is diabetic".

Voice3 "Then he wouldnt have said, "I dont like", he ought to have said, "I like but I cant eat"".

Voice 1 "Perhaps he had studied in Mumbai as a kid, and had thought he had written Aam correctly in his exam, and had asked his teacher what was wrong and she had slapped him and pointed out that it was his Marathi paper not his Hindi paper. (As if you couldnt guess, Voice 1, was a Southie who grew up in Mumbai, (who mixes Hindi with Marathi) and probably had the traumatic experience, of going up to the teacher, swelling with pride, and coming back with a swollen ear.)

The topic was juicy, but for me the mangoes were juicier. I didnt care why he disliked it, as long as I could have the mangoes that had been meant for him. And my hands had been slowly reaching over to the mangoes, when Mr.C suggested, "Its antinational. Mango is our national fruit. Unless one has medical or financial reasons, to say no to it, its an insult."

"He could be a terrorist?" A meek voice.
"How can he be a terrorist, he is not a Muslim!". Voice 2. And there was a silence. And before the attention could be diverted from him to his mangoes, and the tiny white plate that I had been dragging across the table, nonchalantly; I suggested, "Well he could be a naxalite. Recently there was a news that they had played a role in the Stock Market. And maybe he wants to do something like that by working with us."

I had managed to drag the mangoes, over to me while maintaining eye contact with the rest of them.

"That idiotic, he cant be a naxalite, he is well educated." said Yboy. (Educated doesnt mean a Phd, just that his English was impeccable). I prefered to attack the mangoes, then discuss terrorist profiling.

"But I say its still antinational" Mr.C, unwilling to give up. I had swallowed my first bite. And couldnt resist, "Mr.C. you also told me I should take interest in hockey, when I was interested in cricket, do you know the score of the first match between, India and South Africa, which is being played in South Africa?"

Mr.C bristled, "You are lying, there wasnt a mention in the media."

"Well that could be because women were playing. (After all, when cricket means only men's cricket, why cant hockey mean only men's hockey?). But we dont term the media anti national do we, because they dont mention the results of hockey, our national game, after the match? Or the readers antinational because they wouldnt read or listen to the results, if it was mentioned by the media?"

We both stare at each other coldly. Sure I havent contributed to the mango theory, but importantly I have shot down his contribution. Thats the criteria for success in politics.

"Maybe as a kid, his family suddenly became poor. And he couldnt eat mangoes because they were expensive". Voice 2, coming to my rescue. Now I could attack the mangoes again.

"That would mean he would eat more mangoes now, not less mangoes.Unless he was stuffed with mangoes as a kid. You know they say, Those who get everything, value nothing.", Voice 1

"Or maybe its a protest against the goverment policy to export mangoes. I read long back that the locals couldnt afford mangoes in Maharashtra or something like that", Voice 3.

"Maybe the girl he loved, loved mangoes a lot and now they have broken up", a timid voice. Hmmm has she broken up with someone recently? Anyone at work? But the mangoes are more interesting. And the ones not meant for you are always, more delicious.

"Or maybe the first mango he ate, was rotten. And therefore he swore, he will never eat mangoes again, because they are not worth the risk", an angry voice. As I relish the mangoes, I wonder, hmmm any connection between the angry voice and timid voice?

"Or maybe he had too much expectation from the mangoes. And it was not his fault, and not the mangoes." the timid voice (now through an angry voice) retorted. Yup, there could be a connection or atleast two colleagues in similar situation. And I popped into my mouth, the last slice.

"Perhaps he wanted to win friends, since he is new, and thought by sacrificing the mangoes for us, he would get new friends", Voice 3.

Before she could finish the sentence I had pushed away the plate to its original location, silently and smoothly; wiped my mouth, and gulped the piece I had been tossing from one end of my mouth to another.
And to avoid their attention, to the plate, as soon she finished the sentence, said "Why mangoes, to colleagues? A sensible guy would give it to his Boss". Nods and a pause, as each one thought of the best way to butter up to the Boss.

So for your information the best Ethan Hunt, is not Tom Cruise,(who has the luxury of retakes), but yours truly, who is quick with the hand and mind.

And as a cue to : Boss would prefer us working instead of wondering why some guy doesnt like mangoes, I stood up, closed my lunch box and left. And others followed.

We dont know why he doesnt like mangoes. Perhaps, he lost a dumb charades game, when someone made up, the Hindi Film "Aam ki Kasam" or worse, he wrote a script, "Aam ki Kasam" and it got rejected. After all who can dislike mangoes without a reason?

Posts in Aargh Diaries Series
Post no.318

A Watchwoman's Wrath against Mustache

Long long ago, before the telephone was invented. (Yes there was such an era), a Traveller became sick and was guided to the town's Doctor.

"I want to meet the Doctor" he told the Watchwoman at the gates. She looked at him coldly, frowned and pointed to a small sign near her. "Men with mustaches are not allowed", said the sign.

Shocked, he asked. "What does the Doctor have against mustaches?"
She shrugged. And stood more firmly between him and the gates, with a grim face.

He decided to stand his ground, even if it meant outside the gates.

Perhaps bored with him, or repulsed by the sight of his mustache, she said after a while, "Why dont you visit some other Doctor. Or shave off your mustache and then come."
"But why?" , he persisted, though little softly. He had realised that he would need her cooperation.

She shrugged again, chewed over something, spat it out and then said "I hate mustaches. Its so offensive."

He stared at her, suprised "Who made this rule, you or the Doctor?"

A rapid volley followed.
"It doesnt matter. I am the gatekeeper and I decide who goes in."

"But the Doctor pays you!"

"The Doctor doesnt pay me, the patients pay me a commission."

"Do the patients know, you made this rule?"

"How do you know the Doctor wont agree to this rule?"

"OK. Let me in and escort me to the Doctor. If the Doctor wants me to shave off my mustache, I will shave it off and come tommorrow."

"My job is to stay here."

"Can we call the Doctor here?"

"He should not be disturbed."

"But what if he is unaware of this."

"Why should it matter. Anyway what is more important to you, the Doctor or your mustache."

"The Doctor is important of course. But I will shave it off, only after the Doctor tells me. "

"There are other Doctors, visit them."

"Perhaps thats because, they dont have a Watchwoman like you."

She went back to her shrug mode. When he still didnt leave. She started, "There is a protocol for everything. And here, this is the protocol."

"Fine. But who are you to decide the protocol."

"Why do you want to visit a place, where you are not welcome."

He burst out in anger. "Because you object to me. Not the Doctor."

"Thats because your mustache is so revolting. Urgh. You think you are special, and you think this is a symbol of how special you are. And you flaunt it in front of me."

"Well its just a part of me. Just like my hair, on the head."

"I have a hair on my head too, and its better and longer than yours. But you have the mustache and I dont."

He pretended to give up and two days later, managed to sneak in, without the Watchwoman's knowledge.

The Doctor didnt throw him out, but treated him. But when he complained about the Watchwoman, the Doctor simply laughed and said. "I didnt make the rule, in fact I dont remember appointing her." And moved on to the next patient. (A man who had shaved off his mustache.)

Aghast, he asked the Doctor, "But arent you going to fire her?" The Doctor didnt reply since he was busy examining the patient. "This is so unfair. She is misusing your name and you dont care!" He exclaimed.

"I am busy. Even if I kick her out, tommorrow another one might take over. I just happen to have better things to do."

"But what about the mustached men. Do you want them to shave their mustaches to meet you? Tommorrow, what if she made a rule, that people with only one hand can meet you. Will your patients, have to cut off their hand?"

The Doctor didnt reply but continued to be engrossed in his work. Perhaps the Doctor thought, if one could come in, others too could come in. Frustrated, the Traveller, walked out in anger, and confronted the Watchwoman. "I met the Doctor, he treated me. He has a mustache and a beard!"

Her eyes went cold and stony, and she gave him a cold hard stare for few minutes. When he didnt budge, she shrugged and said, "Well we dont meet. So he doesnt offend me. The rule still stands. And you better pay a fine to me, for violating my rule."

He stared, stunned and suprised. And walked away. He went to the seniors, in the town and asked them to make the change. But they didnt want to antagonise the Watchwoman. They had grown accustomed to the rule. Mental inertia, instructed them to not make a change, unless they didnt have an option. He argued that the Doctor had a mustache and a beard, but the villagers simply pointed out, he wasnt a Doctor, but a patient.

Tired the Traveller, gave up and decided to continued his journey. During his journey he prayed, "Dear God, please make the Doctor come out of his house once, it would be amusing to see him plead with the Watchwoman, to let him in."

Like the Doctor, the Creator was too busy, channelising rains to a drought hit region, to indulge his request.

Wonder what the watchwoman, would have made out of the “mustache allowance” of Rs.50 every month, reintroduced by commandant V K Singh, who revived the dying tradition of UP Police in a bid to "give extra motivation to the force".

More Short Stories

Jul 26, 2006

Thankfully I think I dont look Pretty

1. I dont waste, even one minute of my precious life, worrying about not being pretty when I get old.

2. I dont waste my money on products, which might make me look pretty for some more years.

3. I dont expect people to compliment on how pretty I look. And well, if they compliment my looks, I can enjoy it as a pleasant suprise, not as a mandatory acknowledgement.

4. I dont pester my family with, do I look good in this or that. And of course thats of no use to me, but I am sure my family appreciates me for not forcing them to lie.

5. I dont waste my time thinking if only I had entered the Ms.Vile Parle contest.

6. I dont need much time to get ready. Funnily the pretty people need time to perfect their prettiness. I can shrug and say, hey I am not going to be pretty even if I spend 15 minutes on it, so why waste time on it.

7. I dont have to read the tips in all the magazines on how to continue being pretty. And be confused when they contradict each other.

8. I didnt lose my cool when I lost most of my top hair. (For the curious, it simply grew back after 6-7 months). And I will therefore not become miserable, if I get a pimple on my nose.

9. I dont have to worry, if my spouse will divorce me when I become less pretty.

10. I dont get upset or try to upload 3 pictures of me, when a blogger calls me ugly etc . All I have to do, is smile and nod and get on with my life. And if inclined, point to this post.

Aah Pretty Good are the advantages of thinking you dont look Pretty
And Prettier are the advantages of feeling you are always Beautiful & dont need to look Pretty.

What ultimately matters, is not what others think of you, whether your looks match or dont match their criteria.

Closer and more important is what you FEEL about yourself. Whether you feel beautiful and gorgeous. And this has nothing to do with what others think, and its something over which, you have absolute control.

The Creator has gifted beauty to everyone, its upto us, to Feel it.

Blog Post no. 316 Other Posts in Hmmm series Earlier posts in Thankfully Series : Thankfully I have Mouth Ulcers and a Toothache, Thankfully I am not a Celebrity

Jul 25, 2006

A Sunrise during the Sunset

The waves came towards the shore, with a loud roar. Tall, as if they wanted to touch the dark sky and soar. It was few minutes before the sunset. Yet it seemed like hours after the sunset, as dark clouds had covered the sky, from horizon to horizon, like a thick blanket. A lightning, lit and split the sky, and a thunder sounded like a giant's, war cry. And for once, those in the metrological department were right. The storm had arrived on the beach, that night.

The silhouette, wet, upset, filled with regret, unable to forgive or forget, walked towards the place where they had first met. She hadnt realised the storm, yet.

The storm around her, wasnt bigger than the storm within her. The darkness around her, that made her blind, wasnt as dark as the despair that enveloped her mind. The depression at the sea, wasnt bigger than the depression in her mind. She couldnt see the sea. But the roar of the waves, guided her towards the sea.

She walked carefully and slowly, towards the sea. Careful, since she didnt want to trip over some debris, tossed back by the sea. She didnt want a sprained ankle, or a scrapped knee. Death in the sea, was her mind's only plea.

Death, right now, was just a technicality. Hadnt her spirit and soul abandoned her, few hours ago, when he had decided against marrying her? Oh, the pain of dashed hopes, the pain of rejection. When fate punches you below the belt. Perhaps that pain, the waves too felt. When they hit the rocks with hope and roar, just to be smashed into million droplets on the shore, and sent back to the sea by the rocks and the shore. Oh the pain of rejection, even if its by a stone or someone with heart of stone. The mind screams, I cant take it anymore.

She glanced back. Hope. The eternal enemy of death. Hopefully he would realise, she couldnt live without him, and she would decide to die, and die, in the same spot they had first met, where later, they had jumped and walked amongst the waves. Not caring for being wet, smiling and laughing, as their eyes met, ignoring the beauty of even the sunset. She froze, hoping against hope, straining her ears, against the roar of the waves and the storm, hoping to hear his footsteps, as they ran across the beach in the hope of saving her, hoping to hear his voice crying aloud her name, crying out that he too, couldnt imagine a life without her.
Hoping, to hear him hope - he wasnt too late,
Hoping, to hear him hope - she would forgive him,
Hoping, to hear him hope - she would forget the hurtful words,
Hoping, to hear him hope - they would spend the rest of their lives happy and together.

Minutes passed. He didnt come.

And as she stood wet and realising the worst, she felt within her, a burning thirst. A thirst for revenge. The fire of anger, raged within her.
Now she hoped he would come, but not in time to save her. Just when, the sea threw her body back at the beach. He would surge through the curious crowds, and fall beside her. Crying and Clutching, Hoping and Praying, for her return. She hoped he would regret and would live a long life, filled with guilt and pain. Yet not enough to die or become insane.

Its easy to die, but tougher to live, a thought popped into her mind. This didnt combine well, with the decision of suicide in her mind.

She told her feet to walk on,
even though a small voice in her mind said, hey hold on.
Suddenly lightning split the sky in two,
and she found herself, waking up to what she was upto.
The thunder seemed to shout sense in her ears ,
and ask why she wanted to surrender the gift of years.
Tears of self pity, flowed down her eyes,
but the rain continued to wipe the tears from her eyes.

She sat down on the edge of the shore. Hesitant to live, yet hesitant to die.

What would she gain,
by dying and hoping it would cause pain?
A voice within, whispered to her,
Admist the pouring rain.

Why should She die?
If his love had been a lie.
Tears continued their trail, from her eyes,
As she pleaded with God and asked Why.
Why couldnt he love her or care for her?
But then, she too didnt care about, what happened to her.
Why expect him to love her, everyday of his life?
When she couldnt love or cherish, her own life?

Confused she buried her head in her knees and cried.
Could she really move on and take even this pain, in her stride?

Succumbing to the storm, a huge wave jumped over her,
And dragged her in, and her life, became a blur,
Yet instead of a meek surrender,
Her mind screamed, life, it would prefer.

She struggled and swam to the shore,
She was filled with love for her life and more,
As Lightning streaked across the sky,
It reflected the determined gleam in her eye,
She wanted to live, after all someday she was sure to die,
But this wasnt the way, she wanted to say her goodbye.

Through pain somehow she would survive,
To live happily she would strive,
Perhaps one day even another love might arrive,
With a lust for life, she felt very alive.

Behind the storm clouds, it was finally time, for the sunset.
But in her life, with the light of hope & determination, it was a bright sunrise.

Jul 24, 2006

Thankfully I am not a Celebrity

1. I can go out and have fun, anytime, without worrying if I look just good and not gorgeous. I can also go out as soon as I want to, without worrying about make up, clothes and, security.

2. I can repeat my clothes without worrying, about it.

3. I can get sick and go to a hospital and not have the entire nation diagnoise on TV
a. Whats wrong with each part of my body
b. If its just a stunt.
And I need not worry if all the doctors are genuine (and its not some "journalist" in disguise).

4. I can burp and frown without worrying about being caught on Tape or Camera.

5. I may not have much money, but I dont have to worry and wonder if my auditor is right or cry when I have to pay a million as taxes. (OK OK I know no one pays millions in taxes. But if I had been a celebrity and had said this, there would have been a debate on how stupid I was, to assume people pay millions in taxes, and whether I ought to be paying couple of millions in taxes. And whether the IT has not yet raided my home, due to my political / underworld connections).

6. I can visit an orphange and not worry about looking authentic or giving a speech or being dismissed as a stunt. I would also get to spend more time with the kids instead of spending most of the time with the officials who want to be seen and photographed with me.

7. I dont have to worry if someone is being friendly and sweet to me, only because I am a celebrity.

8. I need not worry if my servant(s) will write a book about me or if they will appear on TV shows 20 years from now, to discuss the book and me. And whether they will be more popular than me.

9. I dont have to deal with a spouse who resents me for all the attention I get,
or I dont have to compete with my spouse for attention (if the spouse is also a celebrity).

10. I can write this post without concealing my identity or inviting the fury of my publicist.

11. I dont have to appear on endless shows /interviews to promote my latest venture and talk the same stuff over and over again but appear to be profound.

12. I dont have to look stupid on TV and be reassured that I am stupid to think I am stupid by my "team".

13. I will not feel used by politicians, who would want me to tell the crowds they are wonderful, but wouldnt care to hear even in private, I dont think they are wonderful.

14. I can say I intensely dislike :
a. Mahesh Bhat : And not worry about him analysing me, in his next TV appearance.
b. Rupert Murdoch : And not worry about being misquoted in his media group
c. Murli Manohar Joshi, Arjun Singh, Late HKL Bhagat, Modi, etc and not have their followers hold a dharna outside my house.

15. I have to visit my dentist only for the annual checkups and not worry about my pale yellow crooked teeth.

16. I dont have to have a good laugh.

17. I dont have to work on my voice.

18. If an awards ceremony is around the corner, I can put up my feet , lounge around the TV and eat what I want to eat. I dont have to worry about giving a speech or go on a crash diet to look better during the function. Or sulk because I am not winning it or worse, not even giving out an award. Or contemplate suicide because I wasnt invited to the event.

19. I dont have to pollute my face with make up most of the time.

20. I dont have to worry about my big nose, my small eyes and fat thighs and wonder if I need plastic surgery.

21. I can talk to someone from the opposite sex and not have the nation wonder if I am having an affair.

22. I can hug someone from my own sex and not have the nation wonder if I am gay.

23. I dont have to know everything thats going on in this world because the media might ask My View.

24. I dont have to enter politics, because I am not a celebrity in my field anymore

25. I can do nothing during Diwali, Holi or some festival and not appear like a loser when I say I dont have any plans, to the media. And if I choose to spend that day with the underpriveileged, it wont be called an old cliched stunt.

26. I dont have to read more then 10 emails everyday and keep track of email id category one for close pals and family, category 2 for the professional pals, category 3 for everyone I meet and not get confused on categorising everyone and switching them between category. And I dont have to employ someone to read and worse send my emails.

27. I can complain about the bad food without worrying about sounding callous and spoilt..and ignorant on the data of 7000 Indians dying from hunger Everyday..

28. I can talk about maternal mortality and a woman dying every 5 minutes from maternal mortality in India.And psychiatrists on talk shows will not be analysing me, and conclude, it has nothing to do with my relationship with my mother or my mother in law.

29. I have to just search for a good hospital to give birth, not search for a nation which will not allow reporters into the country without my permission.

30. I can give my baby any name I want and not have my assistants come up with names which no one has heard or said for the last 200 years.

31. I can disagree with a person in media and not have my PRO take me to task for being so stupid..

32. I dont have to carry more than one mobile or employ a person just to carry four mobiles.

33. Outdoors, I can drink coconut water, buttermilk or fresh juice without worrying over my sponsors, taking me to task for not drinking the pesticide drink I endorse.

34. I can wear what I want and not wear what my stylists or sponsors or fans want me to wear.

35. I can fight with my friends and not worry about them telling lies about me to the media.

36. I can talk rubbish with my friends without worrying if someone could be taping it.

37. I can say I found Swades and Rang de Basanti boring and not be labelled unpatriotic by everyone.

38. I can go to a cricket match and take a nap if things get too boring. And not have the entire nation, analyse the next day on TV, why I slept, whether it could be due to a drug overdose.

39. I dont have to be sweet to everyone, all the time.

40. I dont have to get mildly angry, to avoid the Sweet Personna since it has become Cliched or Outdated.

41. I can blog under my own name and not be bombarded with 3000 comments and hire someone to reply to all the comments. Or sulk because my manager wasnt smart enough to get it featured. And it has received only 378345 hits in one day.

42. I dont have to know everyone and smile and take snaps with everyone I meet. And I dont have to explain that, I smile from ear to ear in a picture with anyone, and I didnt know the person had an underworld connection and besides Dawood, I cant recognise other personalities from the underworld.

43. I dont have to wonder if I would need underworld connections to survive.

44. If I enter politics, I wont have to worry about media and the world questioning my intentions and focussing on what little I have done for my constituency, while they dont care about the non-celeb corrupt politician from the neighbouring constituency.

45. I dont have to worry about the Income Tax department being suspicious about my returns.

46. I can switch careers without worrying whether if my fan base would erode.

47. I wouldnt have to worry about some crazy fan, wanting to kill me, just to be in the news.

48. I can think more about what I think about myself, then what the world thinks of me.

49. Write down my date of birth in an application form without worrying if some journalist would get hold of it.

50. Turn on the TV and watch something I enjoy, without watching myself being criticised which I definitely wont enjoy.

51. Hire a Chef since everyone has one. And feel guilty for eating something delicious (and is it possible for anything to delicious and not be loaded with calories) and work out for an extra hour at the gymn because I had eaten it.

52. Or visit a plastic surgeon, and have my skin cut to remove the fat accumalated because I didnt spend much time at the gymn and ate whatever my chef made.

53. Worry if my designer will leak my size.

54. Worry if the designer from whom I bought my outfit, staged the wardrobe malfunction during a Fashion week, or if it was real and if it could happen to me. And if the media would believe me when I complain its just another wardrobe malfunction.

55. Worry if I look good from all the angles, since one never knows which angle the camera comes from.

56. Search for a private beach and not just a clean decent beach.

57. Worry if the tiny dot I see in the sky while I am in my beach wear is a helicopter carrying a photographer with telephoto lens.

58. Have 25 securityguards around me and be labelled as aloof from the crowd

59. Be dumb enough to discharge my security because I want to be fan friendly and be mauled by a mob.

60. Wonder if Schumi should be my chauffeur, because I want to avoid the paparazzi.

61. Feel like someone in a horror movie not knowing who is going to creep behind your back, even when I escape the media.

62. Be my usual weird self and be labelled by the media as
a. Quaintly quirky when they adore me and my sponsors
b. Eccentric when I dont have any sponsors
c. Wild Whacky Lunatic, because I didnt grace a journalist's party.

63. Deny the Dates, then Go gushy and say I have found my soul mate, Try to figure the most exotic place for the wedding and the honeymoon, and after couple of years have a nasty divorce, and then again start the Deny the Dates cycle without trying to feel stupid.
And if there is no divorce after two years, wonder when there will be a divorce, and if you have to file for divorce, before your partner divorces you, so that you will appear sexy and in control of your life. Or wonder if it would be better if your partner divorces you and you can play being the Victim.

64. I dont have to curse God for making me a celebrity and kick myself for praying to become a celebrity as a kid.

65. And I dont have to curse God more, when I stop being a celebrity and kick myself harder, for cursing God earlier.

In the universe, the brightest would be the stars.
And the earth just a piece of rock.
But I rather be down to earth and myself, instead of b
eing a star.
And having a life of your own definitely rocks!

Being a celebrity might make others think I have a life
But having freedom to do what I want, makes me realise I have a life.

Blog Post no. 314 Other Posts in Hmmm series
Earlier post in Thankfully Series : Thankfully I have a Mouth Ulcers and a Toothache

Jul 20, 2006

The Gun vs The Videotape

You can die now or you can watch this movie alone and then die, says the voice.
The wiser option would be to watch the movie and prolong your death and hope that in those hours, some superhero or supercop would break through the door/window/walls and rescue you (Filmi) or, you might find a way to escape (Realistic).

But then there are movies which drive you to the edge of insanity. Which makes you think, death is better. For me it would be :


Haan mein ne bhi pyaar kiya hai. Tell me in Karishma's voice "Switzerland honeymoon har Hindustani ka khaab hai" at your own risk. And yeah all movie actors are like the one potrayed by Akshay Kumar sweeeeet, innocent, and sexy..

Aitraaz : Oh baby, if I could simply bang my head against the wall, and forget it..Another interpretation of Christianity is offensive and invites protests! But Gross Misinterpretation of Indian Laws, by a movie is OK? Dont we have any respect for our country?

CENSOR Dev Anand : Ok I could tolerate Awwal Number with Aamir and some Meehakshi Jackie movie by Dev Anand. But Censor Takes The Cake and throws it Flat on my Face. I can understand Dev Anand wants to play the journalist,lawyer,policeman all in one movie, but please please dont make me watch it.

Jansheen Yeah I just need to watch Feroz Khan wearing kajal, with a tiger or whatever.

Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage Hrithik, Amisha : I escaped the first time by seeing only half the movie

Ek Rishta : Oh boy, no rishta between logic and story

Chor Maachaye Shor Bobby Deol : Why didnt I simply stick with the original in English

Khalnayak Sunjay Dutt Madhuri Jackie :

Kitne Door Kitne Paas Fardeen Khan, Amrita Arora, Sonali Kulkarni : Wow a fire in the mandap, is so convenient in the climax

Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani : Shahrukh Juhi, OK I am not a big fan of mainstream media, but they certainly dont ask a person before they are about to be hanged, his favourite shampoo. Satire doesnt mean being Ridiculous. And yeah the entire nation walks and stops the hanging..

Pyar Ishq aur Mohabbat Sunil Shetty, Aftab Shivdasani, Keerti Reddy : When not one, and not even two is enough..

Hatimtai Jeetendra : Sick of brats who watch Pogo? Torture them with this movie.

Love Love Love Aamir Juhi : Sigh. And I was so eager to see that movie

Phool aur Kante Ajay Devgan's first movie. OK.Gopal is not a bad name, but it seemed so funny when Ajay and madhu's baby's name was Gopal..Tumse milne ko dil kar ta hai Re Baba seemed more fit for begging.

Khoon Bari Maang Rekha, Kabir Bedi : Ha Ha Ha when models fight to decide who is better, they go into a song and dance “wafaaaaaaaaa kya hai“.

Dil ka kya kasoor Divya Bharti : The whole movie is about her helping the hero become a singer and the hero being ignorant about it. And when the hero finally becomes aware about it, its a marvellous example of wooden acting. One of the few movies with no fights. But if I come across the producer, I might pick up a fight asking Mera kya kasoor

Any remake of a Tamil movie with Anil Kapoor in it. Sorry he isnt a Kamal Hassan and not even an Arjun.


Priyasakhi Madhavan Sada & Priyamaana Tozhi Madhavan Jyothika, : A simple rule for all Madhavan fans, avoid most of Madhavan's movies if you want to remain his fan. .

Uyirodu Uyiraaga Ajit Richa : Ajit is terminally ill. Richa fools him by saying she is too, and he falls in love. And they marry. Ajit doesnt want a baby, but never realises till the Baby is about to be born that Richa is pregnant and just when the baby is due, he realises the truth. Richa walks into some forest, and Ajit helps her deliver the baby ! Citizen, Ajit : Aiyo tortue. What a beautiful climax, strip the villains of their citizenship blah blah.. Jana Ajit Sneha : Ha Ha Ha, you roam the streets as a dada and your family will have no clue Paramasivan : Ajit Laila Yeah its so easy to capture the terrorists in the end. They will wear helmets and go around in bikes. And India's entire foreign investment will disappear because of a bomb. Give me a Break! (Beware of the friend who is an Ajit fan who will assure you, Ajit's hard work is worth the money you spend on the movie and on headache pills)

Chocolate Prashant Mumtaaz and a heroine no one remembers: (Beware of a spouse who sleeps during the movie, and wants to see it again and then asks you to explain the movie)

Udaya, Vijay Simran : Yeah its so easy to manufacture a bomb in a small lab, and so easy to get conned and become a terrorist

Time Prabhudeva Simran : A big waste of Time.

Pachai Kudirai Partiban : Please dont make me write the story

Manasellam Shrikant Trisha : The story is about the hero spending the last few days with the heroine. And then he just walks away in the end..Wish I walked away earlier.

Kamarasu (?) Murali : Everyone dies, and ok I like realistic movies, but the heroine also dying from a lightning ,please..

Paarai Sarathkumar : K.S.Ravikumar made this movie!?!

Devan Vijaykant Karthik Arun Pandian Meena Kausalya : Yeah all the rice in India, is controlled by one guy

Vikatan : (Yeah Harish Raghavendra is fab singer, and an average actor, but AVOID Arun Pandian). A murder mystery, with a Thread solution. If your enemy is a thriller fan, give the cassette.

Duet Prabhu Meenakshi Seshadari : What a horrible climax with barrels etc. Did Balachander make this movie? (Beware of seeing a movie because the director was good and the songs are fab)

Parthale Paravasam Madhavan Simran : Parkamal irundhal Inum Paravasam. What a waste of talent through a stupid climax..

Any more suggestions? Any language..

Blog Post no.313.

Jul 18, 2006

Imagine - Him Her & Me

""Why do you want to become a plumber" She asked.
"Why on earth dont you remarry" I said. That confused her, and gave me some time to enjoy the coffee.

"You are embarrassing your parents and your family".

I nodded and thought ,” so what.“

Frustrated, she looked away. And said quietly "I wish He was here, he could have knocked some sense into you." .
Ouch that hurt. The, He, was my buddy and her husband. One thinks the world is wonderful, when two of your friends marry. And then oneday a drunk driver changes it forever. And you wonder whom you should mourn more, your dead friend or your friend who has been widowed one month after her wedding.
We never talk about him, for that matter we hardly talk. After his death she went into “the world wouldnt understand, we are just friends mode.” This is the first time we are meeting in private, and from her determined expression, I was sure there was only one thing she wanted to discuss and that was me, not Him.

"I dont think he would have said anything, he would have thrown his hands in the air, and would have looked at you and said, "You tell him" and you would have simply thrown your coffee at me" I finally managed to reply.

"So would it work, if I threw some coffee at you?"
"No. But look on the positive side, one day when you need someone to fix a leaky pipe, you could call me and I wont reply "Dear are you sure you dont need our Gold Card. Our credit card is simply the best, blah blah. And you can choose to go abroad, where there are no leaky pipes, and you can pay the cost in easssssssssssy customer friendly instalments "

She shook her head, "Money doesnt matter? What about potential? And I thought you wanted to become a pirate not a plumber." Ouch. We had enjoyed "The Pirates of the Caribbean" movie, and I had declared that I am like Johnny Depp. (Therefore got only eyeliners and kajals on that year's birthday).

"Hey plumbers too live. What matters is not what I am best at, or what would make my parents proud, just what I love doing." Taking a deep breath I added "And people do remarry"

She froze and shook her head slightly.

"I wish he was here, not you. I could have convinced him easily." Insensitive words, but then she knew me.She smiled inspite of herself."Ok. Just remember I will not hesitate to tell you "Told you so" if you later regret this."
We laughed. Was it back like old times, no.

She hesitated and added "Sorry about your parents."
"Doesnt matter. If they would love me just for my career, it was their problem, not mine." I lied gruffly.

"And hey, you dont have to get married to get a life. He wouldnt have wanted you to be a maid in his family and be at everyone's mercy. Stop being the devoted widowed wife, and get a job and get your own life. Just because you care for his parents and his family, doesnt mean you should do everything they want. What matters is not whether everyone is happy with you, just whether you are happy with your life."

She nodded, and perhaps overwhelmed, said a quick bye and left. Such a simple stupid thing, and yet why so tough to figure it out.

- Jupiter

Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?
Imagine is a fictional blog series, written by two bloggers Jupiter and Speck

Jul 17, 2006

Aargh Diaries - OK

The Prime Minister is not doing what he is supposed to do according to, almost Everyone. Its OK and good for national unity. After all, who has managed to create this sort of national unity, besides Saurav Ganguly?

A TOI journalist could buy gelatine sticks for Rs.50 in the Tansa lake area, approximately 50 miles from Mumbai, three days After the Mumbai blasts. Its OK. Terrorism is shocking, corruption is not.

Naval War room leak. OK. First lets get the result of Bofors, then I will read about the leaks and the shady deals and boring stuff about national security.

A month back, routine murder investigation led the Haryana Police to uncover that an individual had 290 cell phone connections in his name from one company. (He owned one prepaid connection, the remaining 289 were sold to different people using his identity). "Ninety-five per cent of the cell phones being used by criminals come through this method," said the SP in that article. Oh we do have rules, if more than 10 connections are issued to any single person or address, the government has to be informed. Which wasnt done in this case by Service Provider. Its OK there is no connection to the Mumbai blasts.

Mulayam has clarified that he has been misquoted on SIMI. OK. He was being Politically Correct and fair, not Politically Calculative. .

Modi wants some terror laws. OK.

17 killed as Naxals unleash terror in Chhattisgarh. Its OK. Naxals dont target the cities.

The weekend TV was lousy. I am now getting confused between the news channel and the movie channel. And between programs and advertisements. Its OK. The media needs money, and only corporates can pay. And that means we will always get want we want, even if its not what we need.

7000 Indians die Everyday from Hunger. And if I dont click on today, someone might not get food. Its OK. Someone who reads this, might click instead of me.

At work
Yboy is watching porn on the net, while Boss thinks he is working hard. Its OK as long as its not our children he is watching.

Mr.C is discussing about some movie with his friend over phone. He had watched it on a pirated cd and is now cribbing about the quality of print. And no he doesnt think its wrong to watch a pirated cd, even if Interpol thinks Dawood gets a neat bundle from this industry. Its OK because, everyone does it.

Bigbag has stashed a bundle of A4 size bond paper, in his big, bag. So this month, he has taken from the office supplies : 1 marker, 3 pens, 4 pencils, one stapler, 2 boxes of stapler pins, 8 files and 3 cds and besides paper. OK that just means I am dumb to buy pens.

FrustratedParent is cribbing about a school. Seems they encourage consumerism and his child's school is targeted by multinationals. Its OK. Dont take it personally. It happens everywhere. The companies are supposed to sell, and the schools have to make money.

Charmer got a hike. Its OK, after all it was just through flattery and home errands, not sex.

I am not able to access Blogspot because some say the government has instructed ISPs to block blogspot. What! Are we in China! But since there are other blogsites, its OK.

I didnt take bath because I didnt get water. Its OK. Deo is cheaper than Water. And I get water for 3 hours most of the days.

I have wasted my precious minutes of my life, by writing this post, which everyone will say is stupid. Its OK as long as I dont waste more time, saying this is an intelligent sensible post.

Aargh Diaries is a FICTIONAL series.

Blog Post no.311. Aargh Diaries Series.

Jul 15, 2006

Metro Guide

A quick guide to Indian metros, Mumbai Delhi Chennai and Kolkatta. Since the Wise Donkey has never been to Kolkatta, clueless on that city. Try to absorb what is useful, enjoy whats funny. If you think its childish, biased and stupid, well, its free and written by "Wise Donkey", what elsecan you expect. By popular demand - Bangalore

:Never curse in Hindi,Tamil,Malayalam,Bengali, Gujarathi,Telungu,Kannada or even English. You never know who is from where. Marathi is safer, unless you are in Dadar.
Delhi : Curse in any language, but if you wanted to be respected, curse in Spanish, German, Japanese, Italian, Greek, or Latin
Chennai : Never curse in English, everyone understands it. Curse eloquently and you will be asked to join a political party. And if you are a Tamilian who has come to Chennai, they are speaking Tamil, not cursing you.
Kolkatta : "Saurav Ganguly shouldnt be in the team", is considered a curse.
Bangalore : “You are as smart as your CM” is considered a curse.

: Despite what Readers Digest says, people will help you with directions. It will go something like 40 minutes in train, 5 minutes to the bus stop near the railway station, 25 minutes on the bus the 13th stop, get down and walk straight for 2 minutes and take a left and within 15 minutes you would have arrive. And dont get confused if most of the places have an East or a West.
Delhi : You should own atleast a Mercedes to get reliable directions
Chennai : Take a left after the 5th Pilayarkoil (Ganesh temple) on this street, you will come to an Aman temple, take a right after the 3rd Wines/Tasmac Shop in that street, I dont know about any school in that area, but its half km before the __ theatre.
The longest route is by auto and when you pay by meter. (The shortest route if you bargain with the autodriver for 1/5th of the amount he asks you).
Actually if you want to know the shortest route, ask me the route from Pitsburgh to New Jersey (My son stay in Boston, my neighbour's daughter stays in Washington DC, My cousin stays in San Diego and I have been to New York thrice ...). If you dont know Tamil its ok but please know atleast English.
Kolkatta : Dunno
Bangalore : People will be helpful, even if the directions might not be useful

To be popular
Mumbai : Be yourself and dont be pretentious
Delhi : Mention you know 5 ministers
Chennai : Mention you have a parking space in Panagal Park and can get 5% discount in GRT, Pothys ,Chennai Silks etc
Kolkatta : Appreciate Culture
Bangalore : Mention Mr.Murthy should be our next President or its time Bangalore became the Official Capital of India

Where to Eat
Mumbai : The street food is also good
Delhi : In a ___'s party, or in an exotic restaurant.
Chennai : Saravana Bhavan, Vasantha Bhavan or Sangeetha. One and all of them will be in any and every area. And please pretend they are cheap, even if your friend from Bangalore says, the food over there is better cheaper and bigger.
Kolkatta : Dunno
Bangalore : Wonderful variety, and it will be wonderful if we dont gain weight from eating

: Trains. In first class you can breath after every 20 seconds while in second class you can breath only after every 35 seconds. Thats why there is a difference in fare.
Delhi : Any imported car will be fine. And if you are a woman, you can get a free massage in the buses
Chennai : Own a car, keep it at home because there wont be parking space at work and its faster to travel by two wheeler. If you travel by auto, crib about the fare to your friends and family not to police or politician (they own them). Only losers travel by train or bus, Pathetic losers think of bicycle and walking, huh whats that?
Kolkatta : Tram is interesting right?
Bangalore : You may have to spend more time waiting than speeding

Mumbai : Sony, Star, Zee, better plan it out. And if Ekta kills a character, she better watch out, we will protest.
Delhi : Daarling you are nothing, if you are not on TV giving your opinion.
Chennai : Sun TV and Jaya TV are talking about the same state. The state will become hell or heaven depending on who is ruling and which channel you are watching. Watch Vijay TV to be different, Watch Raj TV when you dont care and watch Win Tv when you are on it. And watch Podhigai if you want some substance. Whatever you watch, you will know whats happening through the ads for Chennai, Silks, Pothys, New Nalli,RMKV, Naidu Hall, Saravana1, and Saravana 2 and Kumaran. Thats just for the clothes, I havent mentioned the jewellery. The serials wont change forever, the ad campaigns change every 2 months.
Kolkatta : Dunno
Bangalore : Yawn who watches TV, go out and have fun.

Q Please
Mumbai : Even in Bus stops
Delhi : You are a loser and dont know anybody
Chennai : Only outside US Consulate. For the LKG admissions to some schools, pay someone to stand there overnight, and then when the school gate opens,make a random rush and try your luck (and outside Chennai, in Tirupathi)
Kolkatta : Dunno
Bangalore : Do traffic jams count as Qs?

You are cool
Mumbai : If you are from Xavier / Mithibai college, own a 400sq flat in Bandra or a bungalow in Juhu
Delhi : The right colleges arent enough, you have to go the right school too. And own couple of imported cars, and know couple of ministers
Chennai : If you are from Stella/Ethiraj (girls) Loyola (guys). Or you should visit Mayajaal atleast once a week
Kolkatta : You have written a book or made a film.
Bangalore : If you live in Bangalore, you have made a cool choice, and you are automatically considered cool.

Waaatch out
Mumbai : Trains and the Drains after Rains
Delhi : Brats who are faster than Narain, and TV journos, out for a byte.
Chennai : Water Tankers and TNagar Traffic and the speed at ECR
Kolkatta : The police over here wear white.
Bangalore : You dont work in IT/BPO sector and want to save money.

Mumbaikar : Would have studied or worked in Mumbai but wouldnt be a Maharashtrian and will never complain about any city or place.
Delhite : Will be in London
Chennaite : Is the person who misses the filter kaapi and rasam, more than the family. (Yet at home wouldnt have drunk filter kaapi much).
Kolkattian(?) : Would hate this post. And be right in calling this stupid.
Bangalorean : Clarifies to everyone Bangalore is not like other Indian cities.

While Watching Cricket in
Kolkatta : Never wear anything synthetic, you dont watch it catch fire after the match
Mumbai : Shout Pakistan Hai Hai or Ganapathi Bapa Moriya or go "ta ta, dat a, dat a, dain, tat ta dat ta dat, Yo".
Chennai : Watch it on TV. Cricket matches are scheduled only during the Rains.
Delhi : What matters is not what you are watching, but with whom you are watching, and if others are watching with whom you are watching.
Bangalore : Never throw anything at the players, there is a giant net and it will come back to you

Never Ever Say in
Mumbai : Shiv Sena is irrelevant
Delhi : I love the PM and I think the PM is smarter than me and you / Mumbai is better than Delhi
Chennai : Karnataka is right in not giving Cauvery water
Kolkatta : Subash Chandra Bose is dead
Bangalore : Tamilnadu is right in asking for Cauvery Water, Duh.

They will never believe this
: Its ok complain, crib and cry
Delhi : India is not just Delhi
Chennai : Its not ok when AIADMK and DMK switch between Congress and BJP after almost every election
Kolkatta : There is a political party besides CPM
Bangalore : Hyderabad can compete with them.

Blog post no.310 More posts in Hmmm

Connection and Cure

Politics is viewed as dirty and corrupt.Sorry I think the cure, is supporting less corrupt people irresepective of party lines, not dumping democracy for a dictatorship.

Most of the Indian women are modestly dressed. Most of the rape and molestation victims are modestly dressed. Rapes occured even in Taliban era of women being covered from head to toe. So, Sorry, I dont support the thought that attire is the reason for rape and molestation, and that, the problem would disappear if the women dress "sensibly". Rather would like to ask "Even if provocative dress is a legitimate reason for rape, would you rape your mother or sister, if they wore the same dress?".

Even though I hate rapists. Sorry I dont support death penalty for rapists. Thats just going to make them kill the victim and destroy the evidence. Being raped and murdered is worse than being just raped. Rather work on an effective and corrupt free, legal machinery.

Even though Religion has been the excuse for too many murders and mayhem. Even though Religion has been the excuse for oppression of groups (Through sects and castes). Even though religion has been the excuse for oppression of women. Sorry I refuse to run away from religion, but would like to stop the murderers and biogots from misusing religion.

Even though religion is important to me, respecting other religions through secularism is more important to me.

And Even though my life is important to me, I will refuse to do what I think is wrong , even if I will not suffer from any negative consequence for that action, get the promise of Heaven directly from God or a Billion Euros.

Even though I am not perfect,
Even though being open minded means I can change my views,
I won't wait till I am perfectly sure that I am perfect, to write a blog post.
I will post, what I want to post, and stand by it , until I realise its error.

Blog post no.309

Jul 13, 2006

Proud Hindu

What will bloggers assume, when I say I am a Proud Hindu?

1.Why should it be assumed, I am out to kill other communities and drive them out of their country, just because I take pride in my religion

2.Why should it be assumed, if I dont support killing/driving away of communities, I will oblige even the most irrational demand and be an appeaser forever?

3.Why should it be assumed, I vote for the BJP.

4.Why should should it be assumed, because I dont vote for the BJP, I vote for the Congress.

5.Why should should it be assumed, I dont vote, because I dont seem to vote for the Congress or the BJP. (I do vote, but its based on the person and not the party)

6.Why should I support building a temple for Ram in Ayodhya. Lord Ram, refused Ayodhya, even when Bharat gave it back to him.
Choices, gives us power. And power is the true test of Character. When I refuse to go against my conscience, even when I can get away with the consequence, I am laying down a brick, in my heart, to build a temple for Lord Ram in my heart.

7.Why should I say kill/drive away all Muslims because many of the terrorists are Muslims. Lord Ram could distingush between the Ravans and the Vibhishans.
(And I certainly dont say, just because most of the rapists are men, lets castrate the men, let there be conception through artificial methods and after all men are not going to die, if we castrate them, but its going to be convenient for the women, and since men also have sisters, if they object it means they are anti-women.)

8.Why cant I be a Secular Indian and a Proud Hindu. If Turkey with 72 million population and 99% of them Muslims, can be Secular, Why cant I be Secular? Why can't I love and be proud of my religion and respect other religions. Why can't I be Secular and still support the concept of Uniform Civil Code?

9.Why can't I be proud of my religion, and yet be aware that it need not be perfect. Two centuries ago, widows were burned. Today we dilute and dismiss, it as a custom and say its not part of religion. But it wouldn't have been viewed similarly, back then.
The point remains, that irrespective of what others say, I can distingush the bad from the good, and can choose to take only the good from my religion.
And why should I believe that I can do it, only because I am a Hindu.

10.Why shouldnt I accept, a Woman from a Scheduled Tribe could be The Guru and still be a Proud Hindu.

11.Why should I believe that only the Proud Hindus are the best of the humankind.

12.Why on earth should I say I am a proud Hindu. Isnt it natural to be proud of one's religion. I dont write a blog post on Clean Human and say I took a long bath today. Well thats what I thought till yesterday. But I am sick and tired of what many think, when we hear the term Proud Hindu or for that matter Proud Muslim/ Christian/ Buddhist / Jew...
I am sick and tired of only fundamentalists, associated with what I feel. If they are the Proud Hindus, what am I an Ashamed Hindu?

Yes its possible to be a good human and live without religion. The question is not whether there is a God or no God or whoose God. For me the answer is, I need God. When I feel thankful, overwhelmed, uncertain; and when my cricket team is in trouble. When I come across the cold finality of death, I need to say a prayer to God, and hope that prayer makes a difference. When I recite the Dhanvantri prayer while massaging someone's knees, it helps me focus and adds a dose of certainity of success, which I like, even if its unreal.

Speaking of knees, for me religion and God are a form of walking stick, which help me support myself through the journey of life. There are the brave, who dont need the stick. Fine. But just because some use this walking stick to attack others, doesnt mean that I wont be able to make discreet use of it.

Religion is not the reason for Cruelty and Stupidity, its just an Excuse. Every Proud Hindu need not be a Good Human or a Good Indian. But just because I happen to be a Proud Hindu doesnt mean I cant be a Good Human or a Good Indian.

Other posts in Pilgrim Series
Blog post no.308

Jul 12, 2006

How can I beat the terrorists

1.Give Blood. If I am in the city affected. Or check with the hospital nearby to see how I can help. Surely volunteers would be required.

2.Not forget. Its pointless to wail today and forget after couple of weeks. The lives of those affected has changed forever. A government compensation and a public wail for a week isnt enough. Find out ways to keep in touch with atleast one affected family for years.

3.Refuse to make pointless analysis based on religion. Bombs dont discriminate, why should I. Oh it feels so stupid to worry, will there be riots. And how are rioters morally superior to terrorists.

4.Medical care should include emotional care too. Just physical care and money arent enough. Counselling is a must.

5.Make the media focus on what a citizen can do, than just what has happened.

In the long run,
1.By being nice to everyone, unless required otherwise. Life is unpredictable. Lets face it. I may not be able to change the quantity of anyone's life, atleast I could change the quality.

2.Less Apathy. Unlike other tragedies which occur on a daily basis, terrorism is sudden, and can affect anyone. Human life is valuable. Its sad when some dies from a bomb blast, and its sad too when someone dies from hunger. If I dont care for the other deaths, I am being a passive terrorists.

Wish I could think of more ways to beat the terrorists
Wish life would be as easy as the movies, and its easy to bash these terrorists
Two days ago was talking about Zidane and anger management
Terrorism has the power make me feel ridiculous while mouthing the word anger management


Cowards, Bombs can kill people but can never dampen the human spirit.
Prayers for those affected
# re: Mumbai 7/12/2006 2:05 AM frenchita
Too mild a statement ,WD ...gotta do more than that
I would like to say something
And yet prefer to say nothing.

I can say Bombs can kill people but not the spirits of the Mumbaikars
Terrorists wont care, and my words cant bring back the dead Mumbaikars

I can easily blame the police and the government and the leaders
But a guarantee against terrorism in this world, cant be provided by any leader

I can say nuke Pakistan now
So what if our action would be no different than terrorists

I can point out that more die from other causes, hunger, maternal mortality
But then those deaths dont affect those close to me,
I can never ever think, this could happen to me
Unless I can think that, it doesnt enter my reality

I want to lash out so much at God
But then if God existed, why does this happen
Right now unfortunately I have to also hope think and pray
that this doesnt result in more murders in the name of God

I can urge people to not be intimidated and venture out
But thats so silly, whats wrong in wanting to be with your family and not venture out

Mumbai, my love, will bounce back
But will the families of the dead, ever bounce back

Besides the family, the mumbai bloggers i know are safe
Feel relieved and yet guilty about the unknowns
who would have cracked jokes like me, about the mumbai trains
who grin and bear the torture chambers, called mumbai trains.

Meaningless and irrelevant are the words, that I write
Why should I be sensible, please give me a break

No this post doesnt express what I want to convey
At loss for words, prayers, is all I say.

And if you are in mumbai, if possible, do donate blood.
As if you didnt know, every life counts

Jul 10, 2006

Mobile Moments

It could be your favourite ringtone, but that doesnt mean there wont be times when you dont want to hear it.

And if we could have messenger status, why not mobile responses.

It would be nice if the mobile makers, had some built in voice responses which the caller would hear before you hear the ringtone, which can preferably be programmed to certain numbers only.

And here are some I could think of :

1."Hi I am driving at the moment, please call me later, unless this is an emergency"
Its illegal in most places to drive and talk. But its tough when you drive thinking why you got the call and if your life would alter because you didnt answer it.

2."Hi I am Busy at work, please do not disturb me at the moment. It could be a big loss to my company"
Ideal when you are dozing at your desk and your Boss rings you. Or when you are blogging from office.

3."Hi I am in a meeting, please call me later"
When you are with your Boss, and it isnt the best of time to talk with friends or for that matter anyone.

4."Sorry this person is out of the network's reach. Please try after couple of hours."
For clients who pester you after office hours.

5."Hi I am having a Personal moment. Please call me, only if its absolutely necessary for me to be disturbed"
Just because you have a mobile shouldnt mean the clients and Boss can call you any time. And its about time, you stopped confusing the mobile for the soap in the morning.

Messages to Avoid
1."Too drunk to talk" Duh ..

2."Sleeping" No one would ever believe your sleep is valuable. And you think Boss doesnt know this when you get a call after midnight. A "Personal Moment message" might make some think twice though.

3."Watching a movie" Never know who might be calling, and the curious would want to know which movie you are watching

4."Eating this that and that" Who cares what you are eating...

5."In the bathroom/bedroom ____" . Oh please!!

Post no.305. More posts in hmmm

Weird vs Normal

I have finally managed to accept in the past few months that I am weird. And had even written a post on how Weird I was. (And due to same reasons, didnt post it.)Well weird might be the common lingo, but its just about having some autistic tendencies, quirkiness and a good dose of idealism.

People's perceptions matter, but only to a certain extent. So though there might be a normalcy in being able to write a "Oh the World doesnt Understand me, It hurts me so much Post", which I have wrote few minutes back. I have sent it to the recycle bin because, when the focus light flashes on what I feel, its always easier to just smile and wave it along.

Its always easier to express thoughts than feelings.

And as for weird vs normal. Its just a matter of numbers. If there were more like me, the "normals" would be the "weirds".

Jul 9, 2006

Me Myself & I - So you think you know Wise Donkey

1.What do I enjoy reading the most, on the web
c .Film Reviews 4. Sorry I dont let it out on blogs, perhaps. But I love reading film reviews and I read a lot of them. Mostly the reviews are more interesting than the movies:d

a.News and analysis 3. Yes. I copy paste what I read with links, even the trivia stuff. For future posts. When you decide to write less about yourself, one needs it.

d.Blogs, 2. For the amazing variety it offers

b.My own blogs 1. After I post it, I dont read it, unless I have to edit it. Why waste my time, reading what I wrote. Life is precious, and time is life.

e.UN Reports and other stuff, which tells the world, whats wrong with the world.(If we dont read them, who will? Aliens?) 0. I get my Data from the news. Read these reports only when I have to confirm the data. I will be an alien or a robot, if I Enjoyed it, I think.

2.Love blogging through
c.Satirical posts 4. I love them, to make someone laugh and think at the same time.And yeah I do write them, even if you dont remember them.

d.Analytical posts 3. Even when I dont write much of them, love them, Remember my relationships posts,

a.Emotional, straight from the heart, 2. Its nice to do it, but it also leaves me feeling vulnerable, and I certainly dont love that feeling.

b.Controversial posts 1. Unless I really believe in them, its pointless.Too time consuming, and I hate feeling defensive. Why post about it, when you can simply comment.

e.Posts that make others feel guilty about about the state of the world and hopefully would make them do something about it. 0. People hate feeling guilty, even if its their fault:D. And if some end up feel guilty after reading some posts, sorry, but I certainly dont love making anyone feel guilty. Now dont try to make me feel guilty about it:D

3.Ultimate Celebrity
c.Dr.Phil 4. My "Complete Human", so what if he happens to be man. And a man against porn is a nice man:D. He talks, does and guides. My main blog has a link to his website, that should have been a clue.

b.Oprah Winfrey 3. She is fine, but not even a Phil Donahue. Her being a woman, cuts no ice with me. But thanks to her for introducing Dr.Phil.

d.Angelina Jolie 2. She talks about refugees so ok..I dont care much for her..

a.Hugh Grant 1. Looks good, mostly harmless.. Ultimata Celeb ha ha ha ha

e.Arundathi Roy 0. I dont like Shrill people. And I couldnt read past the first page of her book. And almost had fits when I read her thoughts on 9/11 in outlook. She is probably a nice person, definitely better than me, but my ultimate celebrity? EEeeeeeeeeeeeks.

4.Would love to meet this famous person from the past
b.Einstein 4. I have a weakness for smart people and he seemed to have a sense of humour. And hey I did write a post on wanting to be like Einstein

a.Mahatma Gandhi 3. Like his conviction, but then "yeh dil mange more". And actually I would prefer to meet Da Vinci over him. Da Vinci, wasnt just a painter, he had multiple interests..But since I hadnt raved about Da Vinci through my blogs, didnt think it would be fair to include him.

c.Charlie Chaplin 2. I have a weakness for humour. And its always fun to meet any artist.

d.Rani Lakshmibai of Jhansi 1. Women of courage, interesting. But she was a queen and I am a socialist :d

e.Mother Teresa 0. Whaaaaaaaaaaat. I dont want to win a beauty pageant. And I deeply disagree with her attitude towards contraception. Just because she is a better person than me, shouldnt mean I should want to meet her.

5.Would never do this on blogs
c.Not reply to a comment on the post 4. If a person takes the trouble to comment, I have to acknowledge it back with a comment. Otherwise I believe I am being rude. And if I come across a comment made a year back in an old outdated blog, I reply to it. And since none have noticed it, perhaps I shouldnt be so compulsive.

d.Delete a comment on the post. 3. Freedom of speech and Freedom to be stupid (Spams arent comments on the post). I dont like to do it, but necessary, I do it.

b.Write under another name 2.
For privacy reasons / for artistic reasons, have taken other ids. But though its tempting have avoided till date for abusive reasons, because once you cross line, there is no coming back: D
In O3
Under nopromises I started writing on books,tv, movies etc but stopped after 3 posts.
Wise Donkey I took on to have a low profile (ha ha ha) gender neutral id instead of Gayathri.
Aargh I took on took on to protest againt a media action and then converted into a fictional series character
Jupiter as a guy and Speck as girl, I created in Imagine series. It was artistic expression of genuine emotions:)
My rules are simple,
I shouldnt be two faced. (disagree thru one id and agree thru another)
And if confronted shouldnt lie

a.Unnecessary updations 1. I do it, though not many of them I think are unnecessary:D

e.Apologise for a post 0. (Why wouldnt I. If I have to, I would. Who said I cant be wrong. I do remember apologising for Saurabh Singh post:D, though cant remember any media apologising for the misinformation.)

Post no.303

You know me scorecard
20 out of 20 : Who are you, my split personality, a mind reader, Hey this is getting freaky:D
16-19 : Thanks for understanding me,
11-15 : You read my posts, but forget there is more to me than just my posts
6-10 : You probably read my post titles or skim through my posts
1-5 : You dont read much of my posts, yet you think you know me
0 :Wish I could get you into dentention and make you read all my posts :D

Score : Navin 15.5, Sanjeev 11.33, Busybee 12, Decentmonkey 11 Vaibhav 8, Godolphin, 8.6, Dte 7,Pluto 6, Konfusd 6, Zephyr 6, Rams 5, Triplex 3, Whiskeypriest 2, No one important 3.

Jul 6, 2006

Me Myself & I - Rain Tag

A tag by Vaibhav 10 rain memories
1.The fragrance of earth after the first rain. Nothing can ever match it. It just makes you feel Alive.

2.A poem in Marathi, during secondary school on how people who live on streets suffer due to rain. (Would appreciate any more information on it). It changed my perspective of life. Till then rains seemed to be the best thing in life.

3.After enjoying the cricket in Mumbai, take days off from work for a Test Match in Chennai. India vs New Zealand. For reasons I cant comprehend, the matches are scheduled mostly, when it rains in Chennai. Few years later when it was repeated, fumed via this blog post Atleast in the movies.

4.Never carried umbrellas while studying. Since I love the rain, didnt share anyone's umbrella. Which of course embarrassed my friends. And one thats stands out, walking home with two guys who were deeply embarassed, because everyone on the street thought they were being selfish and cruel to me. Sorry SJ & AK:)

5.Love the rain, but hate it when I have to walk through the dirty water. Couple of lousy memories. But not very terrible either.

6. It was bright and sunny when I walked into the reception. And then realised it was getting quite late, and though everyone had wished me and had their dinner, they didnt leave. Hey what about my dinner?Seems it was one of the worst sudden rains in Chennai's history. And still people hold me responsible for it. And they never get tired of telling how terribly they suffered, hey its going to be almost a decade, and I certainly didnt send any invite to the Rain Goddess (And for the superstitious, I never ate raw rice, as a kid (or as an adult). So stop asking me about it.)

7.Packing an umbrella while leaving for Oman. Spouse who has been in those areas, is outraged, irritated, then laughs and grumbles. And the day after we land, he comes back sheepishly, few minutes, after leaving for the office. Yeah of course it rained - heavily:D

8.My favourite picture, a gif rain one. It was a profile picture in a sify blog, and I have been spending hours trying to find it for the last 2 days.

9.A news item, Cherapunji, India's wettest spot, suffers from water scarcity. Availability is not everything, management matters:)

10.Wet leaves. I just love it when the trees look so fresh

Optional Tag : MeraGussa
And Mumbaikars take care:)
Post no.302

Jul 4, 2006

Do U Know - Women working hours and income percentage

In a prerecorded speech to the close session of 2006 Global Women Summit
citing UN statistics, German Chancellor Angela Merkel said that "women account for two thirds of the world's working hours but their share of the world's income was only 10 percent. "

Answer on Thursday. Search Engines allowed.

the Protector, Dinesh, Decentmonkey, Maddy, Prasad,and Busybee got it right.
This one didnt require search engines, the data was mentioned in my previous post:)

Previous Do U Knows. No.301

Jul 2, 2006

Aargh Diaries - Lesbian Blogger

An email from a dude.
"Dear Aargh
I am trying to find romance by blogging, but am worried about flirting with a lesbian and wasting my time. Any idea how one can identify them without asking directly?"

Aaah its such an easy one. This is the way many identify a Lesbian Blogger on the Web.

1.Lesbian Bloggers have an opinion. They will write about the world and issues, and stuff like that. They will rarely write about broken hearts, simply because they dont have hearts

2.They will argue for the right of humans (read woman) to dress anyway they want. And will not understand that its not wrong if men worry about women and ask women to wear a dupatta "properly" and not wear it just around the neck. Duh dont you realise why. They want to oogle at Our Women.
They would further say, most of the rapes and molestation occurs not in urban areas and not by strangers, so whats the corelation between clothes and molestation. But this only means that most of the women are lesbians, who cant appreciate the pleasure, men want them to experience.
Some of them are so smart that they say, women have also the right to even cover themselves from head to toe, if the women want to. They are just being pseduo secular and dont want men to look at their women.

3. They will ask questions like why doesnt any religion treat women equally. Why a spiritual head cant be a woman. Now they will even say how dare you call us "impure". (This probably to win favours with other women).

4.Their attitude to marriage will be alarming. They will say, I want to marry but I want to take care of my parents too. After all if my husband wants to take care of his parents, why shouldnt I want to take care of my parents. They will even suggest dowry is wrong and the marriage expenses are to be split. They will sarcastically ask "Would Baghban be a hit if Amitabh had 4 daughters?" This is simply their method of avoiding marriage.

5.At every opportunity, they will remind you that Ten million(1000000) lives has been killed in just 20 years, due to sex selection. They might even add, that means, Ten million guys have ended up with no girls.
Who are they kidding, they dont get girls, and they want to blame it on society. After all if guys needed girls, they can pay for young girls or watch porn.

6.They will protest against porn too. They might ask if porn is so ok, then will it be fine if one of your female relative becomes a porn star. After all a porn star is someone's daughter blah blah. You would think that as lesbians, they wouldnt mind seeing naked girls. Thats where you underestimate them my friend,
a.This stance would bait the sweet innocent girls,
b.This stance is a cover up of their lifestyle.

7.They would ask for equal pay at work. And talk about sexual harrassment. Thats probably because they are jealous of men. Ha !
They would also get angry over the term "working women" and say just because a woman isnt earning, it doesnt mean she isnt working. They would even say stuff like homemaker is 24x7 job, with no weekend offs, or holidays or retirement or retirement benefits.
This is probably to seduce the "regular" female homemakers, and create trouble in a marriage.
To questions on whether they would marry a homemaker, they would agree. So that the poor men can sit at home cleaning toilets, while they go out and have fun and also control the men!
If they quote United Nations and say "Women account for two thirds of the world's working hours but their share of the world's income was only 10 percent." It just means that Lesbians are working in United Nations. Duh..

8.Few of them might even talk about stuff like Every 5 minutes a Woman dies from Childbirth in India.
Or talk about sterlization camps where more than 100s are operated when the government norm is not more than 20 or the bicycle pumps used for putting air into the women's abdomen before laparoscopic operations or the lack of sterlization of equipments.
Dude thats to scare women from being with men and getting pregnant.
Their other techniques include pointing out that women have to change their name after marriage, and live most of the times with the man, and is not as per the law the legal guardian of her child. While its not same for the men. They might even get desperate and point out marital rape is not a crime, and women dont have the right to insist on contraception.
This again to prevent the sweet women from getting married.

9.When someone kindly points out to them that men would too get harrassed they would agree. But will say, the problem is with the misuse of law, not laws.
This is their cover. Their other covers include, talking about the right of men to be homemakers and wear skirts. A nice way to demean the men.
If they talk about equality in rape laws for men and women, its just to create confusion in the society.

10.They will think fairness cream ads are demeaning. Maybe thats because they dont want the girls to become fair and therefore beautiful and get boys.

11.They can speak against hunger deaths, drunk driving, smoking, casteism, riots, the time women spend to collect water environment education, sanitation etc. They could get angry when media and the whole nation talks about cricket and means only men's cricket. Dont get confused. They hate society(read men) and hence the outburst.

12.When you realise what they are up to, and write a blog suggesting that they have these opinions only because they are lesbians, they would deny it.


Just when I was wondering if I had been hasty and perhaps should have written the above as a book and appeared on few chat shows to promote the book, received an email.
"Idiot, I agree with the opinions of these women. I dont see why I should get paranoid about a women with an opinion. And as for equality, they dont go around saying men should get an uterus. Grow up."

Aaaaaaaaargh. I replied "Hmmm. That means you are gay."

Aargh Diaries is a fictional series.