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Jul 24, 2006

Thankfully I am not a Celebrity

1. I can go out and have fun, anytime, without worrying if I look just good and not gorgeous. I can also go out as soon as I want to, without worrying about make up, clothes and, security.

2. I can repeat my clothes without worrying, about it.

3. I can get sick and go to a hospital and not have the entire nation diagnoise on TV
a. Whats wrong with each part of my body
b. If its just a stunt.
And I need not worry if all the doctors are genuine (and its not some "journalist" in disguise).

4. I can burp and frown without worrying about being caught on Tape or Camera.

5. I may not have much money, but I dont have to worry and wonder if my auditor is right or cry when I have to pay a million as taxes. (OK OK I know no one pays millions in taxes. But if I had been a celebrity and had said this, there would have been a debate on how stupid I was, to assume people pay millions in taxes, and whether I ought to be paying couple of millions in taxes. And whether the IT has not yet raided my home, due to my political / underworld connections).

6. I can visit an orphange and not worry about looking authentic or giving a speech or being dismissed as a stunt. I would also get to spend more time with the kids instead of spending most of the time with the officials who want to be seen and photographed with me.

7. I dont have to worry if someone is being friendly and sweet to me, only because I am a celebrity.

8. I need not worry if my servant(s) will write a book about me or if they will appear on TV shows 20 years from now, to discuss the book and me. And whether they will be more popular than me.

9. I dont have to deal with a spouse who resents me for all the attention I get,
or I dont have to compete with my spouse for attention (if the spouse is also a celebrity).

10. I can write this post without concealing my identity or inviting the fury of my publicist.

11. I dont have to appear on endless shows /interviews to promote my latest venture and talk the same stuff over and over again but appear to be profound.

12. I dont have to look stupid on TV and be reassured that I am stupid to think I am stupid by my "team".

13. I will not feel used by politicians, who would want me to tell the crowds they are wonderful, but wouldnt care to hear even in private, I dont think they are wonderful.

14. I can say I intensely dislike :
a. Mahesh Bhat : And not worry about him analysing me, in his next TV appearance.
b. Rupert Murdoch : And not worry about being misquoted in his media group
c. Murli Manohar Joshi, Arjun Singh, Late HKL Bhagat, Modi, etc and not have their followers hold a dharna outside my house.

15. I have to visit my dentist only for the annual checkups and not worry about my pale yellow crooked teeth.

16. I dont have to have a good laugh.

17. I dont have to work on my voice.

18. If an awards ceremony is around the corner, I can put up my feet , lounge around the TV and eat what I want to eat. I dont have to worry about giving a speech or go on a crash diet to look better during the function. Or sulk because I am not winning it or worse, not even giving out an award. Or contemplate suicide because I wasnt invited to the event.

19. I dont have to pollute my face with make up most of the time.

20. I dont have to worry about my big nose, my small eyes and fat thighs and wonder if I need plastic surgery.

21. I can talk to someone from the opposite sex and not have the nation wonder if I am having an affair.

22. I can hug someone from my own sex and not have the nation wonder if I am gay.

23. I dont have to know everything thats going on in this world because the media might ask My View.

24. I dont have to enter politics, because I am not a celebrity in my field anymore

25. I can do nothing during Diwali, Holi or some festival and not appear like a loser when I say I dont have any plans, to the media. And if I choose to spend that day with the underpriveileged, it wont be called an old cliched stunt.


26. I dont have to read more then 10 emails everyday and keep track of email id category one for close pals and family, category 2 for the professional pals, category 3 for everyone I meet and not get confused on categorising everyone and switching them between category. And I dont have to employ someone to read and worse send my emails.

27. I can complain about the bad food without worrying about sounding callous and spoilt..and ignorant on the data of 7000 Indians dying from hunger Everyday..

28. I can talk about maternal mortality and a woman dying every 5 minutes from maternal mortality in India.And psychiatrists on talk shows will not be analysing me, and conclude, it has nothing to do with my relationship with my mother or my mother in law.

29. I have to just search for a good hospital to give birth, not search for a nation which will not allow reporters into the country without my permission.

30. I can give my baby any name I want and not have my assistants come up with names which no one has heard or said for the last 200 years.

31. I can disagree with a person in media and not have my PRO take me to task for being so stupid..

32. I dont have to carry more than one mobile or employ a person just to carry four mobiles.

33. Outdoors, I can drink coconut water, buttermilk or fresh juice without worrying over my sponsors, taking me to task for not drinking the pesticide drink I endorse.

34. I can wear what I want and not wear what my stylists or sponsors or fans want me to wear.

35. I can fight with my friends and not worry about them telling lies about me to the media.

36. I can talk rubbish with my friends without worrying if someone could be taping it.

37. I can say I found Swades and Rang de Basanti boring and not be labelled unpatriotic by everyone.

38. I can go to a cricket match and take a nap if things get too boring. And not have the entire nation, analyse the next day on TV, why I slept, whether it could be due to a drug overdose.

39. I dont have to be sweet to everyone, all the time.

40. I dont have to get mildly angry, to avoid the Sweet Personna since it has become Cliched or Outdated.

41. I can blog under my own name and not be bombarded with 3000 comments and hire someone to reply to all the comments. Or sulk because my manager wasnt smart enough to get it featured. And it has received only 378345 hits in one day.

42. I dont have to know everyone and smile and take snaps with everyone I meet. And I dont have to explain that, I smile from ear to ear in a picture with anyone, and I didnt know the person had an underworld connection and besides Dawood, I cant recognise other personalities from the underworld.

43. I dont have to wonder if I would need underworld connections to survive.

44. If I enter politics, I wont have to worry about media and the world questioning my intentions and focussing on what little I have done for my constituency, while they dont care about the non-celeb corrupt politician from the neighbouring constituency.

45. I dont have to worry about the Income Tax department being suspicious about my returns.

46. I can switch careers without worrying whether if my fan base would erode.

47. I wouldnt have to worry about some crazy fan, wanting to kill me, just to be in the news.

48. I can think more about what I think about myself, then what the world thinks of me.

49. Write down my date of birth in an application form without worrying if some journalist would get hold of it.

50. Turn on the TV and watch something I enjoy, without watching myself being criticised which I definitely wont enjoy.

51. Hire a Chef since everyone has one. And feel guilty for eating something delicious (and is it possible for anything to delicious and not be loaded with calories) and work out for an extra hour at the gymn because I had eaten it.

52. Or visit a plastic surgeon, and have my skin cut to remove the fat accumalated because I didnt spend much time at the gymn and ate whatever my chef made.

53. Worry if my designer will leak my size.

54. Worry if the designer from whom I bought my outfit, staged the wardrobe malfunction during a Fashion week, or if it was real and if it could happen to me. And if the media would believe me when I complain its just another wardrobe malfunction.

55. Worry if I look good from all the angles, since one never knows which angle the camera comes from.

56. Search for a private beach and not just a clean decent beach.

57. Worry if the tiny dot I see in the sky while I am in my beach wear is a helicopter carrying a photographer with telephoto lens.

58. Have 25 securityguards around me and be labelled as aloof from the crowd

59. Be dumb enough to discharge my security because I want to be fan friendly and be mauled by a mob.

60. Wonder if Schumi should be my chauffeur, because I want to avoid the paparazzi.

61. Feel like someone in a horror movie not knowing who is going to creep behind your back, even when I escape the media.

62. Be my usual weird self and be labelled by the media as
a. Quaintly quirky when they adore me and my sponsors
b. Eccentric when I dont have any sponsors
c. Wild Whacky Lunatic, because I didnt grace a journalist's party.

63. Deny the Dates, then Go gushy and say I have found my soul mate, Try to figure the most exotic place for the wedding and the honeymoon, and after couple of years have a nasty divorce, and then again start the Deny the Dates cycle without trying to feel stupid.
And if there is no divorce after two years, wonder when there will be a divorce, and if you have to file for divorce, before your partner divorces you, so that you will appear sexy and in control of your life. Or wonder if it would be better if your partner divorces you and you can play being the Victim.

64. I dont have to curse God for making me a celebrity and kick myself for praying to become a celebrity as a kid.

65. And I dont have to curse God more, when I stop being a celebrity and kick myself harder, for cursing God earlier.

In the universe, the brightest would be the stars.
And the earth just a piece of rock.
But I rather be down to earth and myself, instead of b
eing a star.
And having a life of your own definitely rocks!


Being a celebrity might make others think I have a life
But having freedom to do what I want, makes me realise I have a life.


Blog Post no. 314 Other Posts in Hmmm series
Earlier post in Thankfully Series : Thankfully I have a Mouth Ulcers and a Toothache

14 comments:

  1. lolz....
    thats funny...y'dont u try publishing book...i bet i wuld be the best seller :)

    Cheers!
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. protector, thanks:d
    now if i tried publishing a book, i would have to become a celebrity to promote the book..and if i became a celebrity and wrote a post Thankfully now i am a celebrity, people are going to call me two faced..

    ReplyDelete
  3. whose sound is this ? is it gaya ? :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. so many reasons.... you need to be a celebrity only than I will read all...

    ReplyDelete
  5. saaaya, of course its NOT my voice:)

    maverick sob sob sob

    ReplyDelete
  6. hey:)...hi...got here from alapana's....

    this was a fun read...lolz...:D

    and i thot i wz d only one writing longggg posts here!:p

    tc...

    ReplyDelete
  7. ishita, thanks:)
    i not only write long posts, but sometimes i write looong comments:D

    ReplyDelete
  8. another 35 reasons snd you could've had 100 reasons why you don;t want to be a celebrity...

    though u cud still become a celebrity of sorts by not wanting to be one..so enjoy :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. @$#!$# , that would be less people to read it.
    i think more would hav read if it had been just 25 or 50..

    i think i was too smart:(

    but hmmm becoming a celeb for not wanting to be a celeb, that would be too ironical !!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Milord, I actually read the entire post, and hence I object--to points 10 and 41.

    Saaya was shadowing you? ;)

    Not that high on humor quotient as your other posts, but I do not mean all your posts have to be humorous! :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. ketan, i still don't have a publicist..

    saaya is a blogger..

    posts are contextuals, i focus on how fast can i get this one out..not are they my best..

    ReplyDelete
  12. WDM,

    Firstly, I was trying to be funny (which I usually do, equally unsuccessfully! :( ).

    But I was objecting to the following points:

    1. I can write this post without concealing my identity

    2. I can blog under my own name

    ;)

    Did you by any chance overlook saaya means shadow in Hindi/Urdu? That was my attempt at pun, and planted reference to possibly her knowing your identity.

    And I truly do not mean something demeaning if I say something to the effect that I enjoyed this post less than that post. On the whole, I'm not impressed, but totally floored, awed, inspired (okay, maybe, not the best thing considering what that means in Bollywood parlance! ;) ) by your writing! :)

    Even Shakespeare couldn't write 'great' with consistency! :)

    TC.

    ReplyDelete

Have a Great Day!