Caste, Culture and Speed Swayamvar

Saw this (Long) ad on some Tele Shopping  channel, yesterday night.

A black SUV drives upto a snow covered mansion . A foreigner (presumably American) opens the door for a tall,handsome Hrithik like guy. A British(?) Butler opens the door of the mansion, bows deeply at our Hero and takes the laptop bag from the assistant. Our suit-boot Hero, instead of going inside,sits on the patio and says,
"Hi I am Raj. Five Years ago, when I was coming to USA, my father took me aside at the airport and said, "Your mother is a heart patient, please, please don't giver her any shocks".

(Image of Raj in an aeroplane, mournfully gazing at the picture of his parents). " I knew what he meant. And I decided to stay away from girls."

Back to mansion patio, a grim Hero. "You see my cousin  had gotten into love marriage and his wife, wasn't, from, our, caste." Bitter voice. "Of course all Castes are Equal, but The Culture; its soo different. My uncle  was broadminded. After all she was a Doctor & her parents were well educated and settled. But it was so stressful for my aunty to handle all the comments  & train Her, into the Culture of our, Community."

 "At the airport i was met by Vijay. The boy I was supposed to replace." Image of a semi-bald guy hugging over Hero, in some US airport (Filled with fair girls in mini skirts and shorts).

 And he had only one advice for me."Dude, do Date". (Vijay's voice filled with despair )

Back to patio Hero, extreme closeup. "I was Shocked" Pauses.
Sad sitar background music."You see Vijay had his reason .He had not dated anyone in US. And back home when his wedding was arranged, the bride's parents did a backgroundcheck & the report suggested.. "
Hero looks around then whispers looking away "he could be ....gay."

After few seconds , collects and composes himself and continues "And 2 years without oil bath & nutrition meant he was also LOSING HAIR. So he had to rush back home to clear his name and get married before losing more hair." eyes widened to express Horror.

"I didn't want to end up like Vijay!" with a resolute expression and a finality. (Background music, couple of drumbeats).

Recovers, with a Smug Smile "Being a software engineer I did my research & few days later came across a wonderful website & fixed an appointment with their representative."

Image of our Hero meeting a guy from some bank ad.(Clean shaven, rimless glasses and a huge comforting smile. )

Back to patio Hero. "Ravi understood my dilemma immediately. He explained I could date girls,from my own Culture. Back home parents match horoscopes, exchange pictures within their Culture & then Meet, Eat & Discuss . While people like my cousin fall in love, then Meet, Eat and Discuss. Ravi pointed out I could enter my details and requirements, in their database , and get access to pictures of girl's who match my horoscope ,within - my-OWN COMMUNITY (widened eyes). All I had to do was to Meet, Eat and Discuss. Love absolutely not required!"

"And guess what, she would prepare the food. Back home one never knows who made the Bhaji, and if the Sweet is from a shop!1"laughs heartily.

"I was worried about the character of the girl. A girl who meets strangers..."
"Then Ravi mentioned that about Chaperoned girls. An aunty would be with us all the time!"

"I consulted my parents" pauses to wipe away a small tear from his eye.
"and they consulted their elders and astrologers. And we registered for a non-manglik, musically inclined, 22-24 year old, tall, fair, pretty, professional settled in USA (within our community) who would be escorted during our dates by an Aunty,  for just $5000."

"And during the trial period, if I was not satisfied with the girls I could always, get my money back!"

"The first girl was nice, but she served Bisibellabath with potato chips." rolls eyes.
"The second made fantastic puri masal. But her favorite actor didn't match mine!"

"Frankly my friends, I was deeply disappointed. Then I again talked with Ravi. He pointed out that a Speed Swayamvar, our cultural version of Speed Dating, was being organised in Pittsburgh for all their American members, with a separate Hall for each Community . I immediately registered.After all it was just 500 dollars!"

"And one week later I walked into a hall." Image of 50 dining tables filled with food and  pretty girls in saris and heavy ornaments, near each table with aunties, in the background and our Hero dressed in light blue heavily embroidered Kurta. (And background music, Tere Bin from Guru).

Back at the Patio, Hero, takes a deep breath. "Vazhakai Bajji, Thengai Chutney, Badam Halwa & Filter Coffee aaah..I was immediately drawn to that table. And when I tasted it I realised, I had met my Princess."

Image of Hero walking away with a girl, to another room with 2 giant screens filled with their smiling parents. To video conference, I guess. (Background music Shehnai).

Back at the mansion,door opens on cue and an Asin like girl wearing a big diamond necklace, in a pink sari & mehendhied hand, full of bangles,  brings some masal vadai (not sure which chutney) & coffee (or tea).

Raj, (our Patio Hero)munches masal vadai, smiles & introduces Wife (Princess), a Vice President in a MNC Bank.

She shyly hands him a gold coin, turns to the camera & explains."YOU can also help India grow Culturally. Even if you are married refer a friend to this wonderful website & you will get a 22kt gold coin when they register!'

Turns to Hero, who has drunk his heavenly coffee or tea.'You haven't told them about your friend Vijay."

Hero Laughs "Well when I heard they have centers not only across USA but also in Europe Singapore & Australia I referred him. He was so grateful. Now he is happily settled in Paris".

Image of Vijay with his own Princess grinning near the Eiffel Tower. (For the curious, his hairline has improved, whether due to Paris water, or stress free life or some fantastic hair oil, I don't know, thats probably another ad.) (For the ultra curious, I don't know why Vijay went to Paris).

Back at the Patio, a chubby 2 year old (in a  grey suit with red tie) comes out of the mansion, hugs them while the Hero says "Call Now!" numbers scroll for various countries. (duly noted by me).
Princess says "Protect our.."
Boy raises hand "Culture!" and they all high five each other then kiss the boy and laughing merrily, enter the mansion to live happily ever after.

The point of the Long Post? Wanted to find out if anyone's interested in protecting our culture and sharing a gold coin during the process. 

PS :The next speed swayamvar is scheduled  this weekend in New Jersey & Geneva & Canberra.

LegendofRajni

My tweets on #LegendofRajni started by @PritishNandy yesterday. Sorry followers for filling your timeline. Perhaps I owe an apology to Mr.Nandy too, but I was inspired and out of control.
For those who  think he is just a regional superstar, well he has fans not just in Japan. A Superstar is not a Planetary Thing.
He is the only celebrity who doesn't mind being photographed without Makeup, in the Entire Universe! How many times has Ash, his Robot co star and former Miss World , come out without make up? (Thanks $#23ror3fero from Neptune for pointing it out). So without wasting more time, lets start with the Legend of Rajni.

ASTRONOMY (SUPERR STARRR)

• In the Real #Hitchhiker'sguide2galaxy Earth is known as the cave where Rajnikanth meditates #LegendsofRajni
• 743825 telescopes across the universe are tracking Rajnikanth Live #LegendsofRajni
• #Stephen Hawking has changed his statement to Rajnikanth created & sustains Universe #LegendofRajni 
• #StephenHawking discovered today, the universe revolves around Rajnikanth #LegendsofRajni
• You may run to the end of Universe to hide from Him, but He would have strolled there b4 you #LegendsofRajni
• Stars are flashbulbs of aliens clicking pics of #Rajnikanth #LegendsofRajni
• Aliens landed on earth yesterday.Visited Universal Idol #Rajnikanth  & went back screaming He really Exists. #LegendofRajni 
• Eclipses are caused by #Rajnikanth's shadows #LegendsofRajni
• #Rajnikanth fights evil in 89283027346 planets, simultaneously  #LegendsofRajni 
• Rajnikanth's birthday is celebrated as a festival in 830239201 planets #LegendsofRajni
• Rajnikanth's birthday is a holiday in 74356454 planets 

ELEMENTS

• When Rajnikanth stares at the sun, it hides behind the clouds & it rains (Yipee! it was RT by PritishNandy)
• Rajnikanth stared at the lightning, Lightning Blinked & Closed its Eyes #LegendsofRajni

CHILDHOOD DAYS 

• Is it a bird,Is it a Plane? Oh its Bal Rajnikanth skydiving again! #LegendsofRajni
• #BalRajnikanth thought Volcanoes were just hot fountains #LegendsofRajni

SUPERPOWERS

• Rajni never gets credit card calls.A marketeer swears Rajni's hand appeared thru phone & tweaked his ear #LegendofRajni
• Rajnikanth can see through You even if you are on the other side of the Earth #LegendsofRajni 
• #Rajnikanth can find a needle in an ocean 
• When Rajnikanth wants diamonds, his hand scoops stones from volcanoes & cuts them with his stares #LegendsofRajni
• His statue at Tussads spins zooms & flies #LegendofRajni
• Once Rajnikanth reached upto the sky to save a crashing plane while retrieving a sinking ship with other hand #LegendsofRajnI
• #Rajnikanth can make #NarasimhaRao laugh. #LegendsofRajni
• #Osama cannot be found because #Rajnikanth kicked him out of Earth #LegendsofRajni
• #LegendsofRajni can never be publishd on Earth. All the Trees on Earth can't produce enough paper for even 1 Chapter
• #ThegreatRajnidiet Breakfast Bullets & Grenades shake, Lunch Knives which have crunch. Dinner Spears & Arrows. #LegendsofRajni
• He can converse in 543194 languages while sleeping (Can't tweet the languages he can speak while awake due to Twitlimit #LegendsofRajni 
• While shooting for a song in Switzerland, he held up an avalanche with his little finger #LegendsofRajni

HOLLYWOOD

• James #Bond may have license to kill #Rajnikanth has license to Thrill #LegendsofRajni 
• Hollywood has not made #LegendsofRajni movie coze it can't find technology to showcase his Powers
• Indian version of #Expendables stars Rajnkanth with 10 other Rajnikanths #LegendsofRajni 
• #Superman, #Batman & #Spiderman complained, How can we do all this! What are we #Rajnikanth! #LegendofRajni

ISHTYLE

• #Rajnikanth styles Giorgio #Armani #LegendsofRajni
• Beauty queens ape him when it comes to hair tossing

SPORTS

• If #Rajnikanth kicks a football once, the ball spins around the stadium & becomes a goal, 200 times over #LegendsofRajni
• When #Rajnikanth is made a goalkeeper he kicks 839475 goals #LegendsofRajni

DID U KNOW

• #106yearoldvirgin vowed she will mate someone like #Rajnikanth only #LegendsofRajni 
• For his honeymoon, Rajnikanth took his wife for a stroll on Jupiter's moon #LegendsofRajnI
• #SalmanKhanisShirtless coze if he meets #Rajnikanth he can get #Rajni's autograph near his heart #LegendsofRajni 
• Harry Potter is actually the story of younger Rajnikanth #LegendsofRajnI
• Rajnikanth is not on Twitter. Who needs followers when you have infinite worshipers #LegendsofRajni

SILLY TOPICS TRENDING ON TWITTER

• #mychemicalromance is the story of Japanese Robots pining for #Shankar 's #Robot #LegendofRajni 
• #1billionrajnikanthers can easily defeat #5millionbeliiebers #LegendsofRajni 
• #biggestliethatworked Rajnikanth is merely a superstar #LegendsofRajni 
• Beyonce is not celebrating her bday. Rajnikanth forgot to wish her. #LegendsofRajni #happybdaybeyonce 

MY FAVOURITE
Eyes lights candles, Smiles melts hearts, Wth Finger Flicks Evil Fought. WhoisHe,she thght.Thats #LegendofRajni Sweetheart

Shades of Saffron

Dear Mr.Chidambaram (or Chidu),
Sometimes, you ask for the impossible. You want to use the word "Saffron Terror" and still get the support from All of "Us" against those XYZ terrorists. Perhaps you thought, people didn't see red, when I use Red Terror for Maoists. But excuse me, do you see Red in our National Flag? Besides, saffron has many Shades, its not just in our national flag but its also sacred to the Hindus and all right minded humans, including Julia Roberts. So if you thought by using the term, Saffron Terror, you would be alienating those XYZ terrorists from mainstream Hindus, and majority of Indians, you are WRONG. Whats your hidden agenda? You want to be called "Buddhu Chiddu"?

Being an Indian, you should have realised that we have a process for everything, so please follow the due process, and then use the term Saffron Terror, as many times as you please.

1.Prioritize.
Follow the masters, the Fairness Cream Makers. They don't say black or wheatish is ugly, just say fairness is beautiful and associated with success and desired by all.  So sponsor a meet of Hindu leaders and ask them to wear Orange. And coin a phrase "Future of Hinduism, Orange and Bright". See we are not saying anything negative about Saffron, just saying Orange is brighter and better.

2.Symbolise
Make Orange the National Fruit. Point out India is the Diabetes Capital of the World. And point out with charts and cartoons, the glycemic index of Mango is higher than that of Orange. The government cares for the health of its citizen and so we would like to make Orange the new national fruit. And have an Orange India Campaign. Point out Orange is a Pavitra Phal, while Ripe Mangoes is filled with Rich Chemicals. If the Mango growers object, threaten them quietly with "I will not let you export our national fruit".
If you are very scared of controversy, add an Orange colored National Vegetable (Pumpkin or Carrot). Follow the Beta-carotene routine instead of diabetic routine. Specifically point out that Beta carotene is great for eyes and you want Indians to be Visionaries.

3.Subsidise.
When Karunanidhi (Karuna to northies) wanted to encourage Tamil names for Tamil movies, he simply removed the entertainment tax. (50 crores loss is worth the pleasure of an aam admi, not consulting a dictonary to check the meaning of the movie.)
Subsidise all products which use the orange color. If you don't want to actually give the subsidy, just add some loopholes, even accountants won't protest, since they will be making more money. But the important point remains, you will seen as Pro Hindu, Pro Growth not Anti-Saffron. If those from other religions protest and ask for subsidies of Green White or Whatever, point out Orange is not religious but National and Neutral.

4.Internalise

The communists would probably get outraged over the dynastic influence of Dutch over the color propaganda. And the BJP might join them. So get few Swamis (wearing orange) to point out on TV, for centuries, we worshiped Orange since its closer to our fire God Agnidev. And since Orange was targeted by our Invaders, our ancestors used a duller color Saffron, to camouflage themselves. There you go, Two Birds One Stone. Orange is associated with Resistance and History and Fire Power. And Saffron  associated with fear and perhaps cowardice. Which color do you think our Hindus would opt?

Start a rumour, Saffron flower is the symbol of the Stone Throwers of Kashmir.

5.Advertise
Indian Public has lost faith in Police, Politicians, Media & Judiciary. We believe only in advertisements, especially those endorsed by Celebrities.

• Get Deepika to wear Orange at Cannes, Suggest to Julia's Stylist, Orange is in,
• Mention to Mukesh Ambani, Mumbai Indians, and therefore Sachin should wear Orange,
• Pressurise Pawar  to change Men in Blue to Warrriors in Orange (hey the team might lose but Shewag,Dhoni Sachin still sell),
• Hint to Raj Thackeray, Marathi manoos prefers Oranges to Mangoes.
• And ask Bappida to sing a tribute to Tagore wearing Orange colors, since "Tagore meditated among orange groves and conceived of a new type of university, desiring to "make Shantiniketan the connecting thread between India and the world." (It will become a hit on Youtube & Internet Hindus will be more benevolent towards Orange.)
• And get TeleShopping Network to suggest Orange colored Yantra makes the future bright and succesful. (Actually they will probably do it automatically, you don't have to suggest to them.)

6.Proxy Criticise
Next time a Godman is caught in a scandal, get a Godman wearing Orange to say its now a Saffron Shame. If someone objects, let the Orange Godman retaliate with "Sex Swami" is not Shameful?
Make sure SoniaG, BurkhaD and Arundathi don't wear Orange and get few bloggers to wonder why they haven't worn Orange yet.

Thus, after throughly ruining the Significance of Saffron, you can use the term Saffron Terror, Saffron Monster or Saffron Sadists. And you will have an Orange Outrage against those xyz terrorists.  

But then, those xyz terrorists might object to you, for associating them with Saffron.

Mr.Fevicol fixed

Kalmadiji has claimed the unaccounted crores in the CWG account books were in fact the crores paid to bookies and Pakistani cricketers to tarnish the reputation of cricket. He pointed out that he had hit two birds with one stone. "We are doing a service to the nation, when we disgrace cricket and revive interests in non-cricketing sports. And Pakistan which had been milking international sympathy with its flood victims, had been put in its place as the International Evil, with this expose", rejoiced Mr.Kalmadi. Getting misty eyed his assistant said "The PR propoganda, of Million victims in Pakistan, has been replaced by The Millions Pakistan cricketers make. Successfully the public memory has been erased and perspective not displaced."

Kalmadiji was full of praises for the Swiss Management Consultant Mr.Fevicol, who is known to fix any problem. "I approached him a fortnight back and he was able to fix the problem on the spot!" effused Mr.Kalmadi. When a smart journalist pointed out that, India would have to pay few more crores in the form of consultation fee, Mr.Kalmadi rubbished it with. "We are hosting a world class event. And we need world class consultants. To suggest otherwise is unpatriotic."

Meanwhile a paid journalist munching Swiss made Samosa enquired if the "Allegations of Corruption in CWG, could have been a paid news by BCCI to distract attention from the IPL saga."

Mr.Kalmadi magnanimously refused to target Mr.Pawar. But admitted, "We are exploring if those allegations had come from a section within BCCI which wanted to ruin the aam admi's interests in other sports, to further the commercial interests of IPL."

When asked if Mr.Fevicol had made any suggestions for making ARR's theme song more inspiring, Kalmadi shook his head and said, "When we approached Mr.Fevicol we didn't know realise a desi talent was available. We have now approached Rakhi Sawant, and she has promised not just Insaaf but also Inspiration."

Informed sources however claim, Rakhi is an eyewash, on Mr.Fevicol's advice, Anu Malik has been hired to remix Waca Waca and it will be sung and performed by Bappi Lahiri (in Na'vi costume and an extra kilo of gold).

Update : Stampedes have been witnessed all over the world, with NRIs clamouring to watch the opening ceremony of CWG. More sources have confirmed that Bappida, indeed would be performing dressed in a Na'vi costume with an extra kilo of gold and will be singing Khelo, GaOO, Khudo, Nacho, Khaa-OO.

And with soaring ticket sales, Kalmadi has been seen thundering, Avatar Jake style "WE DON'T NEED THEM, WE HAVE, US!!!"

Rahul, Dimpy aur Insaaf

If Rakhi Sawant can deliver Insaaf better than Raj Thackeray on NDTV Imagine, Rahul and Dimpy can deliver better justice than Rakhi at a rival entertainment channel, titled "Rampy aur Insaaf ." 

Its a Royal Court with attendants in garish costumes. Trumpets blow, Shehnais and Sitars are re-mixed, as Rahul and Dimpy enter, dressed in the Latest Authentic Ethnic Finery (LAEF) and sit on a throne, from the Ramayan set.

The Host also dressed in LAEF introduces the first complainant.

A woman cries "There are more mobiles than toilets in India! We have corruption cases like Koda and Kalmadi's and their crores. And renovation cases like Yeddyurappa who spend Ten Lakhs on their toilet. What can you do to ensure every Indian gets a Toilet?"

Dimpy smiles demurely and says "I think Rahulji is better suited to answer this case since his father had groomed him to be a future PM and he is an expert on politics." Dimpy and Rahul smile at each other.(Background violin "Tujhe dekha to yeh jana sanam").

Host "Rahulji, when will you enter active politics? We know you spend lots of time doing social service."

Rahul chukles and chides the Host "My Social Service is supposed to be a Secret, otherwise my Service will be viewed as just a publicity stunt. When the time comes, I will talk about other plans. But right now, lets talk about this person's problem." Rahul turns smiles at the woman and brings a finger to the chin.

The host thunders "Ek chote se break ke baad, aapko milega Rahulji ka Jawab aur Insaaf".

After mere 6 minutes of advertisements,

Rahul with serious expression (Eyebrows knitted).

"Legal angle is a waste because it takes time," "unlike our show" jibes the Host, Audience Laughs and cheers for 3 minutes."Sorry Rahulji please continue" apologises the Host.

"And government has to spend so much money on prosecution and financing all the Swiss trips for CBI officers. Lets introduce a fine system. The accused will have to pay 25% of the scam amount as fine. Government will have more money for spending on sanitation and all will be Fine. On renovation of bathrooms, please understand, unless we give the best to our ministers they won't be able to give their best. " (Background music "All is Well").

Dimpy "Rahulji with so much of our money in Swiss Bank accounts, didn't you think we should nationalise Swiss banks and bring back the money to India?" Studio audience breaks into applause. Rahul nods, takes Dimpy's hands, looks into her eyes and vows, that it would be his first move after becoming Prime Minister, but she shouldn't spill out his secrets in public." Dimpy blushes and apologises.

Studio Audience claps while Host gets ecstatic and hands over to the complainant, a gift voucher from a sponsor, for an elite bath set and mentions a tiny break.

After 8 minutes of advertisements, the Host introduces a poor man (wearing only a dhothi) from Rajasthan, who wails, for 11 days of physical work in hot sun I got Rs.11 but MPs earn in thousands and get hikes, even if they disrupt Parliament.

Dimpy smiles at Rahul and asks permission to answer the question. Rahul, gives her an indulgent smile and nods. Dimpy in a choked voice "Sir, you got Rs.11 for 11 days but what about your wife, who has worked for your family, how much has she got? This is life, it has ups and downs." A close up shot reveals a tear flowing down Rahul's face (background sad sitar sound).

Dimpy continues "How much do you think your mother struggled to give birth to you, do you think you can pay her adequte compensation? We work for the love of our nation. MPs may earn in thousands but what about cricketers and film stars who earn in crores? Please do not confuse work, love, respect, value and money."

Turns in slow motion to Rahul and looks at him for approval. Rahul gives her a you make me feel so proud of you look (gazes with smile without blinking). (Background violin Kabhie Kabhie mere Dil Mein).

Audience claps, Host Wah Wahs and gives the Man a Chocolate Gift Hamper and the latest Fairness Cream with anti-darkening RE3 agent, specially made, for those who are out in the sun for a longtime. The complainant gives a deep bow and goes away with the hampers and a smile on his face.

After a 5 minute ad break, the Host introduces us to the final complainant. A young guy is checking his mobile, realises the camera is on him and complains tearfully,"No one reads my blog or my tweets. I have 641 followers on my twitter not a single one of them respond to my tweets."

Rahul gets down from his throne and walks up to the guy and puts his arm around him. "Life is very cruel. But instead of Twitter and Blogger if you spend your time on TV, you will feel significant, because in TV TRP is everything. And you can participate and make a difference, especially if you watch and vote with Reality TV.

The Tweeter breaks down more and cries more and while hugging Rahul tweets "Hugging Rahul Mahajan" and updates his Facebook Wall, with "Rahul thinks I Rock". Dimpy also joins them and cries, and says "I know how tough, it is to feel insignificant, and I will pray for you. And the three of them go and pray in front of the Ganesh Idol near the throne. Dimpy sings Jai Ganesh Aarthi and offers the prasad to Rahul, Host and Tweeter (who is tweeting and posting with one hand).

Rahul and Dimpy handover the latest mobile with twitwofour technology to the Tweeter and offers one final advise. "Please don't confuse Online Readers, Followers and Friends with family. The only important people exist in real life, spend more time watching TV with your family members." Audience Applauds. Background music "Insaaf ka Mandir hai yeh".

Dimpy's puppy runs to her and licks her face. Audience coo. Dimpy tells the Host they have to take leave to spend quality family time together and promise to come back to resolve more problems. Rahul thanks the sponsors and the producers. And they leave in a chariot, with two white horses, waving to the crowd, as the onlookers cheers.

Host looks directly at the camera and says "We are family, we are here to advise and suggest. Come,Share your problems with Us".

According to some sources, Dimpy gave the Tweeter, a printout of Blogadda's How to get More Readers Traffic for your blog and said, "Bhaiya, I wish they had Tips for Twitter too". Rahul got suspicious and snatched the printout and shredded it to pieces. The Director Yelled Cut! and screamed "Why mention Blogadda! They haven't sponsored us!"

If you liked this post try, The Patriot - The Celebrity with Duty

If you hated this post try, Simple Substitute for Sleeping Pill

Shoe-maar's Throw Shoes Syndrome

Breaking News. Other politicians are catching up with Shoe-mar's Philosophy. Union Minister for Chemicals & Fertilizers M.K.Azhagiri has requested the opposition to Throw Shoes, but not Questions. His colleague Railway Minister Mamata Banerjee has specified Throw Shoes but not those of Red Hue. Home Minister P.Chidambaram has pointed out that a shoe had been thrown at him earlier, so if someone wanted to Throw Shoes, Just throw the other Pair. Not to be outdone Digvijay Singh has said "Throw shoes, but only on High Command's instruction."


Meanwhile, Mayawati has now instructed her administration to, Throw Shoes but only Golden ones. Kalmadi by the way, has placed an order with an Italian firm to deliver 50,000 pairs, priced at a lakh each, to be delivered during the Closing Ceremony. He has requested everyone "Throw Shoes, but only those ordered by me".


BJP and the Communists have joined hands to launch an agitation against the ProThrowShoe attitude of the government, since Throwing Shoes is against our Culture. They also pointed out that, the inflation has affected the price of shoes and now the aam aadmi couldn't afford to buy shoes.They hope their mass agitation will throw the Government out of Power. But quickly, Kapil Sibal has shooed away the agitation with a 35 Paise Shoe Scheme.

MNS meanwhile, has launched its own campaign "Throw Shoes, but only those made by Marathi Manoos." 

Since Rahul Mahajan has been hospitalised with chest pains, NDTV Imagine has announced a new reality show with Rakhi Sawant titled "Rakhi ka Shoeciever". The object of the contest is to win the heart and receive the shoes from Rakhi Sawant.

Bollywood stars (minus Shahrukh) have started their own mass agitation. They stood, arm in arm outside Aamir Khan's House chanting "Throw Shoes, Please don't be Coy, You are after all our Midas Touch Boy!"  Kareena has signed an endorsement deal for Size Zero shoes while Katrina has tweeted about her New Mystery Shoe. 


Since the title of Bobby Deol's horror thriller "Help" has not helped in making it a blockbuster, the producers have decided to rename it "Shoe" and hoping to woo and shoo in some audience. A small controversy has been created with the title, as Sanjay Leela Bhansali has just launched a new movie "Hum Shoe Throw Chuke Sanam". And RGV has decided to rename Phoonk 3 as Ssssshhh-Whhoooooo

Baba Sehgal, by the way, has remixed "I am too Sexy for my shoes" with "I am Sexy throwing Shoes" to relaunch his career.

Admist all these Shoe news, Lalit Modi has announced an Indian Shoe Throwing Show. He has promised he will take Shoe Throwing to a new entertainment level, with Cheerleaders, Designer Shoes, Foreign Players and lots of pre-match and post-match parties thrown in between. And has even roped in the sponsor, Jimmy Choo. While Modi has tweeted it will be a "ShowStopper", Shashi Tharoor has simply tweeted "Sho(ow) Shoepid".

In an unrelated development, four new Chinese factories have been setup to manufacture shoes. A leading multinational bank has launched a new Credit Card, exclusively for  purchasing your Dream Shoes. And has launched an internet campaign titled Shoe Shop with Bipasha Basu. I have received 32 junk smses about products which will help me throw shoes accurately. I will delete them after smsing my replies to NDTV Times Now & IBN on their Shoe Polls. 

Then I will be off, to get the blessings of Shoe Swami who has arrived from the Himalayas. My friend assures me, for a four figure fee, he will throw a shoe at me and I will become a very Popular Blogger. But I am a very scientific person, the Shoe Swami is just a back up plan, I have already bought Fair and Shiny Shoe Whitening Cream. Don't I know a person can be successful, only by being fair and having a fairer Shoe?

If you have a short fuse,

Or if you want to blow away your blues,

Or simply want to be on the News,

Throw Shoes, Throw Shoes.

Wake up, those who mentally snooze

Hey, Use any excuse

Only a shoe you are going to lose

Throw shoes, Throw Shoes.

Target those who disagrees with your views.

But Watch out though, some might reuse.

Do it before it fades away with overuse.

Throw Shoes Throw Shoes.

Hmmm, you think, this post has no use

If you don't mind standing in a long queue

Hey at me, you can always throw shoes!

But smelly socks, sorry I will refuse.

with sincere apologies to those mentioned above.


PS : If you have heard a constant buzz behind you ear "Shoemaar, shoemaar" and you have not been drinking, doing drugs etc, than it could be the voice of our own sweet Ketangel. Just throw a shoe, towards the sky. Aargh angel will make sure you hit Ketangel. And you will be featured in Times of Angels, Anglie (not Jolie) Times. 


PPS : If you are wondering , who the #@$ $# is Ketangel, you should read Divine Justice T20 Style- 2


PPPS : If you have read the post and want to become Angelised in my post like Ketan, then you would have to be a regular top commentator. And thats not just typing a" nice post" comment. He reads the entire post and faces my cross examination. The logic being, you have to face a death equivalent to become an angel. And there are many bloggers who would choose death, over reading my blog.

The Patriot - The Celebrity with Duty

Beaming Bollywood Producer (BBP) "Our astrologer has suggested a Patriotic movie to launch my son".

Superhit Scriptwriter (SS) "Excellent! An Angry Hero is upset with the corrupt government.."

BBP "No No they might mistake him for a Naxalite, nothing anti-government."

SS "Hero is a soldier.."

Son of Rich Producer (SORP) "No that would make the movie boring and drab"

SS "A non-violent journalist,"

BBP "Again boring character. Make it a romantic patriotic movie"

SS "Hero falls in love with a girl from another country.."

BBP "No Way! Look what happened to Sania!"

SS "Hero is a pop star, who has made it big through a reality contest."

BBP "Excellent, we can show off His dancing skills"

SS "We open with Hero on stage, head down, hearing in his mind, the comments of the Reality Show Judge (some old star who wants to make a comeback) berating him for being a poor orphan with just hopes, going up against his classy prodigy. Someone shouts Action and the spotlight turns on him. He faces the camera and comes up with a mix of rap and soul number, with Vande Mataram, Mera Bharat Mahan and ends with Jai Hind". The audience and the other judges give him a standing ovation. While the Reality Judge reluctantly applauds him. Later this Judge tellsHero, its not easy to get voted as the winner since, smses costs money. Few days later, he becomes the winner closely beating his rich competitor.

SS "While flying abroad for a tour, terrorists take over his aeroplane. Since he is popular they want to hold him hostage to get their colleagues released. (They explain Indians might not care much for a minister's life, but will care for him since he has got the maximum votes amongst all reality stars and reality shows reflect the real India) The heroine is a flight attendant who initially pretends to hate him, but is actually his biggest fan, who is extremely rich and got a job as an airhostess, simply to meet him. Hero fights back with small help from heroine. We can have a parachute, sky diving chase scene, rescues everyone and hands the terrorists to the police.

He sings a duet with the heroine and goes to New Zealand for his concert." We can have a fast catchy number for the concert.

To avenge their colleagues arrest, terrorists plant a bomb during his concert and blast occurs at the end of the concert.  The Hero looks at the death and destruction all around him and becomes distraught. And we go for the intermission."

Gets approving nods from BBP and SORP.

SS continues "The only survivor is a small girl holding a teddy bear who has seen the terrorist who planted the bombs. She has lost her family, and the Hero decides to take care of her and sings a bubbly kids song to cheer her up since, next day is her birthday. "

"Great that will make it a wholesome family entertainer" booms BBP.

SS continues, "The heroine is actually a painter. So she paints the picture of the terrorist, after getting the description from the girl."

BBP "Excellent! Since the heroine has a role of substance, we can get any star we need."

SS,  "Hero realises he has seen this person at a hotel and goes to the hotel, just when this guy is checking out. Here we can have a Hot Car Chase. Hero catches the guy and thrashes him and makes inquiries. The guy says his Boss is hiding in the jungles of Brazil and is planning to attack India with missiles, after getting his colleagues released. If missile concept is outdated, we can have a virus with no cure."

"Hero hands over this guy to the authorities in New Zealand. But when they say their hands are tied, they can't extradiate the terrorists, he decides to take matter in his own hands and goes to Brazil, with his girlfriend and the sweet kid with the teddybear. He explains to them, he has a facebook friend in Brazil who has herself been a victim of terror and thirsting for revenge. He arrives in a nightclub and we can have an item number by a Brazilian Babe. She agrees to help him and points out a local thug who might know the location of the terrorist. After a beach brawl with knives, the Hero finds out the exact location. And makes a plan with the Brazilian Babe. The heroine gets jealous and we can have a melody number at this point, as he tries to convince her, he loves only her.

With Brazilian Babe's help he goes into the jungle. Fights crocodiles and giant snakes. Then after a high speed boat chase with water skis etc in the Amazon river, catches all the terrorists and packs them for justice in India. The heartbroken Brazilian Babe requests him to let at least the Saccharin kid stay with her. The kid too wants to stay with the aunty, so he relents with tears and promises to visit them frequently." 

Back home he gets a hero's welcome. A TV journalist explains, "One of the terrorist captured, is the 2nd Deadliest Terrorist according to USA and now USA is begging India to have access to this terrorist." A huge cheer goes up when he lands and journalists scramble for sound bytes. A female with blond hair from CNN asks in accented Hindi "You are a celebrity. Why did you take so much risks?."

He says "When I think of my motherland, Its Duty first, even if I am a Celebrity!".

And everyone claps. Even the Reality Judge who is watching the interview at home. He stands and salutes the TV screen, and we finish with our Hero, with pumped fist in the air, shouting "Jaaaaaai        Hind" We can name it The Patriot  (A celebrity with Duty)".

SS pauses. BBP is thrilled  and hugs SS with tears in his eyes, while SORP is on the phone with someone.

BBP explains "The story sounds good, but my son is not old fashioned like me. He is running it through his Tarot Card Consultant, before okaying the Project".

If you liked this you might like  Kribs and Kit Kits (Kompassion ya Kruelty)

If you hated this you might like Simple Substitute for Sleeping Pill

Kalmadi's Top Ten

Suresh Kalmadi is outraged at the suggestion of incompetence and corruption. "CWG's not a Calamity !" shrieked Kalmadi. But he didn't get to this position without realising the importance of a backup plan. To scorn the critics, he has lined up new responses to those silly allegations. Here are the Top Ten of them.

1. Even iPhone couldn't live up to expectations. Stop having unrealistic expectations. And Jobs didn't resign, did he?

2. Even Obama has Teaching Moments. And don't forget we are a developing nation.

3. China got envious and decided to sabotage the structures by doing an underground nuclear test.

4. The new rupee symbol created a currency confusion. Don't worry every new and old rupee will accounted and tracked after a committee looks into it.

5. The structure seems unsafe, hey thats a cultural reflection of our karma philosophy, Ask Julia. And for your information, she is so inspired by us, she has agreed to the sequel "Cheat, Smirk and Pray".

6. Naxals are firing, Kashmir is burning, North East is burning, Inflation is burning a bigger hole and you want to talk about CWG and few crores? How petty and unpatriotic can you get?

7. We knew you would criticise, thats why we spent 2 crores on getting goras to say they enjoyed CWG.

8. We were advised by the police to not make it a success, since success attracts security concerns.

9. We will answer all your queries, but would you first like to savour samosas from Switzerland, just one lakh a piece.

10. Our hands were tied, we couldn't rename it KommenWealth Games and make it a success.

Image

We might quibble over four lakh for an air conditioner or the need for a 40 crore balloon. But next month we are going to scream for a Bharat Ratna for CW Organising Committee.

Why? Well, the committee has entered into a contract with consortium of fairness cream manufacturers, sorry marketeers. (All fairness creams are manufactured in one Chinese factory). Hmmm, I sense your horror. You think, Fairness Creams are racist products and we are a Voice Against Racism.

Well fairness creams are not racist because they don't just make you fair, they remove blemishes, dark spots, wrinkles and everything that you don't need and improve your Image.

And whats the biggest blemish one would like to remove, when it comes to the Image of India. Poverty. For those who are shouting Corruption, think what you would mind more, being Perceived Poor or being Called Corrupt?

Now you might wonder how fairness creams can eliminate poverty. Simple. From the next month, ration shops will give out a new body cream. And apart from removing blemishes, dark spots and wrinkles, increasing fairness, along with UV protection, the persons using this cream would become invisible to the cameras. Thanks to the SU4 technology and aloe vera, chandan, saffron, tulsi and other herbal ingredients. And hold your breath, the product comes in a spray form too. So we can finally make invisible the dirt, slums and whatever other things, you hate in the Indian image for the camera. So no more pictures of poor India. And when you control the image, what else is there to control?

The visitors might see the fair poor, one might argue. But we can always claim they are poor Europeans or visitors like them who have created a mess.

But no visuals. Works for the Burmese. Will work for Bharat. So there you go, beautiful images of India minus poor and their dirty stuff. For this the CW Organising Committee deserves a Nobel.

And think of the increased tourism revenues. Invisible poor Indians make India more Incredible. After all, Airbrushing is not new to the world.

Invisible Indians won't mind, they are going to get fair. They know, "A fair complexion has always been associated with success and popularity. Men and women alike desire fairness, it is believed to be the key to a successful life." Why will they reject success? If they want an incentive, those who are invisible on camera could get normal rice instead of rotten rice.

The consortium has sent crores to all the political parties, so in the name of patriotism and national unity, the political party will make an exception to their objection of this product.

The media will be overjoyed because it won't have images to make it feel responsible to report. And it will have more time to cover Rahul Mahajan's marriage. And as a bonus, they have been promised more ad revenue from fairness products.

The consortium was a bit worried about reactions from Independent Indian Bloggers. Even if they form a miniscule percentage of the population, its not right to antagonise them. After all it can affect the Image. Therefore, to encourage Indian bloggers, they have tied up with a blogsite, and will announce a contest on "How hosting CWG 2010 has Improved India's International Image".

Anyone else opposing the idea, would be termed Naxal Sympathiser or Pseudo-Patriot.

Admist the crores, the Committe won't pay even proper wage,

But who cares, as long as it doesn't affect our Image.

In this age, Reality can be dumped backstage

Image is everything and rightfully takes Center stage.

Lets varnish the common and display those with wealth,

Thats a guaranteed formula for success of Commonwealth.

Predictor Paul

The World Cup might be end of the road for many players and coaches but could kickstart a new career for Paul the Octopus. And while he might make millions choosing between Pepsi and Coke, there are other interesting avenues open for him.

1.Adult Entertainment.
Well if people can google donkey sex (and arrive on my post on Sex life goes up in Smoke), won't similar people be interested in octopus sex. (Even if Octopus is a British slang for a sexually importunate man).

2.Peace by Piece.
If Paul could pick up the winner of a match, why not the owner of land. Simply start with a map and 2 flags. Middle East Conflict? Resolved! And no prizes for guessing the winner of next year's Nobel Peace Prize.

3.BP Consultant.
Pipes,ROVs, Top Kill, Super Skimmer, Top Hat 10 .. Oh please Paul Pick up the strategy that will work.

4.Godman.
Become a partner with any Godman in India, be a Private Psychic to Politicians and Stars, get a temple and a huge devotee following. What else would it want. Market an Octodollar that will bring luck and forget millions, Paul could be a billionaire.
Oh wait. There is a Godman who claims his soul went into Paul's body, because he was in Himalayas during the World Cup.

5.Expert commentator on TV.
A Predictor among the Predictable Crowd ,it would be interesting and a huge relief (one less shrill voice on TV), even if its not as lucrative as other options.

6.Reality Show Judge.
Replacement for Simon on American Idol? Thats a boring option. The interesting one would be Paul's Pathi-Patni. Tie up with NDTV Imagine to pick the winner in each round of its next Swayamvar. A Pathi or a Patni decided by Psychic Paul, which celebrity will say no to it?

7.Social Networking
Netizens bored with facebook, twitter and foursquare can pester their friends and strangers, by sending out invites to join them in Octreach. Tweets would be out, Squirts would be in.

Well I can forget other options. Heard the Breaking News on Twitter (where else). Modi is back as IPL Incharge in alliance with Paul. And since BCCI will be making millions by auctioning Paul's services (Team/Strategy Selector) amongst the IPL Teams, they have forgiven Modi for his technical mistakes. Oh well, guess its a smart move. If Paul Predicted the winner of IPL 3, who will watch the matches, and what will we do with our lives.

Ash Tweets aur Bollywood

Thanks Blogadda!

SORP, (Son of Rich Producer) wants a different contemporary script for his debut. He has 3 choices.

1.Romantic - Assh aur Ishq
Poor boy works as a pizza delivery boy. Meets rich girl when he delivers her a pizza while she is dancing in her swimming pool. (Bikini Babes song.)
Gives bashan on Culture and they fall in love after couple of more squabbles. The contemporary touch. They follow each other on twitter and he learns she loves him through her tweets. (Dream Duet in Switzerland, France and New Zealand)
Determined to impress his inlaws comes up with new pizza flavour. Company sends him to Italian HO.(Sentimental missing you song).
Meets goras who are impressed with his work. The next day he will meet the CEO. Rich girl calls. Papa plans to get her married to his partner's son. Decides to skip his meeting with CEO and arrives at airport.
Flights cancelled due to volacanic ash from Iceland.
Popcorn-Paracetamol break.

Visits discotheque to drown in sorrow. Fast number by a blondie. Later rescues blondie from goons. She falls in love with him. Rich Papa calls. Rich girl has been abducted to Greece by his partner because she tried to escape from wedding. Inspite of all his wealth, he can't do anything about it because all flights are cancelled and his partner has his jet. Can SORP get his girl back with honour?

Blondie gets him a yacht by seducing a rich customer of hers. He sails to Greece. Swims to a beach house. Instead of dobermans, this house is guarded by sharks. He fights sharks and couple of octopuses too and then the goons. The next day, His mother arrives with the Rich Family for a wedding in Greece. Evil Partner appears again and tries to stop the wedding. His mother confronts him. The Evil Partner is actually his Father who abandoned them to marry a rich girl.

After few sentimental dialogues, Father unites with Mother, SORP marries Rich Girl.

The CEO arrives in Greece to bless the couple and offers him a position in Italy. He prefers to be the Incharge of Indian Operations.


2. Thriller - K-Ash.
Prime Minister requests SORP a secret agent to find a diamond on which an eccentric scientist has engraved a missile technology blueprint before being killed. The diamond has been stolen by a jewel thief who mocks the police by Tweeting from a new location everyday. SORP visits a discotheque for inspiration. (Skimpy girls song). SORP cracks the code and decides to go to London.
Squabbles with Miniskirt Heroine on plane and misses their connecting flight in Switzerland. And they fight more and fall in love. Duet song shot in Switzerland, Austria and Italy.
Confides his secret to her. Next day he realises his cover has been blown because she is a tv reporter & has done a story on the diamond & tweet thief. He delivers a lengthy dialogue on love and betrayal to her. She cries and repents and puts on her specs (Looking intellectual and serious style). The thief stops tweeTing.
Popcorn-Paracetamol break.

Hounded by press he goes to London, gives lengthy dialogue on irresponsible journalism to BBC. The interview ends with emphatatic BBC reporter asking in an
accent. "Ab tweet thief ko pakadenge kaise?" Later that night, he gets into a helicopter, flies to Iceland, parachutes down to a volcano and drops a grenade into the volcano. It erupts. He runs and escapes in a jeep and then sails to Belgium. The tweet thief is stranded in airport the next day. Mini Skirt Heroine, removes her specs and pretends to be a rich heiress and tweets @ tweet thief to buy the diamond. Tweethief asks her to meet him in Belgium. She drives from Switzerland to Belgium. But before she can get the diamond, another guy kills tweet thief, steals diamond. She clicks his pic &
mmses it to SORP. SORP grimances. The guy in MMS is an Old enemy, an Alqaeda operative. But even the Al Qaeda guy can't escape by air so escapes by car. SORP arrives in Belgium and with Ms Miniskirt chase the guy all over Europe. After a car chase, ski chase and a helicopter chase, catches the Al Qaeda agent, gets the diamond and drags the guy back to India for justice, even though he wants to kill him for killing SORP's parents.

She quits her career and becomes his wife and attend a private dinner in White House. They are appreciated and awarded by US President. If Al Qaeda had got the code, USA could have been wiped off. Offers him a position in CIA. But he refuses and comes back to work for India.


3. Family Entertainer - Ash mein Dash
3 Brothers. Anil Kapoor, Akshay Kumar and SORP live with their mother in a dairy farm in Switzerland.
Meets 3 girls through Twitter. 4 songs, 2 clashes, 4 slapstick comedies and 5 fights later, their mother is bitten by a rare snake.
Popcorn-Paracetamol break.
Only a herb from Iceland applied with 10 hours can save her. Akshay Kumar and SORP go to Iceland and get the herb but the volcanno erupts and flights are cancelled. They glide in the Ash from Iceland to Switzerland and save their mother at the last minute. And defeats the plan of their evil uncle who had tried to kill their mother to get their dairy farm. Uncle repents and begs for forgiveness and gives his daughter to SORP.

So which script did SORP choose. You will know this Diwali..

Tweets and Thoughts of a TweeTwin Addict

Tweetaroor has resigned. Why didn't he tweet his resignation??

Tweetodi will Sue papers, why isn't Sue suing anyone?

Sue to appear in Ekta's Kwitter nahi - Kahani ek Khel Ki! Did Ekta tweet it?

Sue to appear in a different reaility show. Big Boss???

Nationalise IPL! Lalooji, will you nationalise Twitter also?

Will govt appoint a commission on Modi and IPL? What a waste of money, a vague report after 40 years!

TweeT20 could be Tweetodi's New Big IDEA. That will be the Original Oongli Cricket.

Will he allow his TweeTwin to plan or will it be like ICL-IPL?

Did the IT and ED and Media wake up to IPL only after the Tweetussle? Wow thats "an Tweet-Effect"

Nigerian Noble

An email I received.

"We are honored and privileged to present you with the Nigierian Noble. Each Category gets you 10000 USD.

My father, a Nigerian nobleman, left Nigeria few decades back and settled in USA. He became Uber Rich by investing (and getting out at the right time) in the Internet. Known as the the Nigerian Noble in the financial circles, he decided, his legacy should be a prize which would one day be as coveted as the Nobel.

He decided to award blogs, to empower the New Net Era. We have therefore introduced the Nigerian Noble in 4 categories. Since my father was a shy yet powerful man, he decided these categories, would be dedicated to the Vice Presidents of USA.

Quest
A blog has to have Purpose and Intelligence. While browsing through your posts, we were stunned by your answers to the question Do I Look Fat?. This question had stumped every Philosopher, Counsellor and Agony Aunt, till now. Congratulations! This post has won you the Dan Quale Quest Award.

Power
A blog has to be Powerful, and create an impact. (Otherwise it would be merely words). Your post Not Psycho a Psychologist , has become a mantra and a rallying cry of almost every Mental Health Care Professional. If they are treated with respect, and dignity, its definitely due to your post. Hence please also accept the Al Gore Power Award

Compassion
Intelligence and Power are meaningless in Humans without Compassion. Bollywood has conquered not just the Oscars. The Nigerian Noble Jury too were moved by your post Divine Justice Bollywood style - Kompassion ya Kruelty. We hope you will be kind enough to accept Dick Cheney Compassion Award.

Brevity
Intelligence, Power, Compassion, are wasted in the blogworld if the post does not have brevity. After all, almost every reader is a blogger, who reads and comments, in the hope you would return the favor. And to maximise the results in minimum time, bloggers seek a post that is brief, concise and to the point. Your post Thankfully I am not a Celebrity achieved the impossible. Please honor us by accepting the Joe Biden Brevity Award.

Super Blogger
In the history of Nigerian Noble, this is the first time, a blogger has won all the 4 awards. We have now instituted a new Category, Super Blogger Award. Please also accept 5000 USD with this award.

As a tribute to the New Net Era, you can accept this award over the internet and display it on the blog, if you agree to accept it.

In the past, winners had blown away the prize money within a year, given up blogging, and taken to booze. And the Prudent US Corporates had blown it away, faster. Therefore your award money USD 45000 has been used to purchase an Annuity from a Careful Chinese Corporate and you will get your annuity from your next birthday, throughout your lifetime.

Unfortunately the New Net Era enables pirated Awards which takes away your Exclusivity. To cover the legal costs of going after these, Pirates of the Blogworld, we require an advance of 1000USD from you. If you are interested, and willing to Accept the Awards, reply with the subjectline Thankyou Thank you Thank you, to us with your date of birth (to receive your Annuity).

With Regards and Respects
The Simple Son of a Nigerian Noble."

Of course I sent the 1000 USD. Why would I deny my blog, what it deserves. I got an .exe file, the 5 awards and an offer to accept or nominate another blog for "Clinton Conscience Award" "Bush Bravery Award" and "Obama Well Deserved Award". with prize money of USD 25000 for each. (Legal fees 100 USD, each), in honor of his Mother, the Primary Power. If you are interested let me know. I am not the greedy kind, 5 awards are enough for me.

If you are interested let me know. I am not the greedy kind, 5 awards are enough for me.

Quale Quest Award to Wise Donkey

Gore Power Award to Wise Donkey

Cheney Compassion Award to Wise Donkey

Biden Brevity Award to Wise Donkey

Nigerian Noble to Wise Donkey The SuperBlogger

Fourth Finger Fever

When I bookmarked, Who's a playboy? 4th finger to tell you might have said stupid research and moved on (unless you happened to have a longer fourth finger). But Economic Insiders believe this Fourth Finger might punch or poke out the recession itself. And 2010 Nobel for Economics could be bagged by these researchers.

The condom industry was first to jump on the Fourth Finger bandwagon. Tired of having customers who want to buy the product but feeling too shy to ask for it, it decided the fourth finger would be the universal symbol for "Sell me a condom".

The pharmaceutical industry meanwhile pushed down the research on curing malaria even further and have decided to allocate billions to helping the fourth finger grow. They feel this could be bigger than Viagra since men would want to flaunt their playboy status. Balding men need not fear, the cure for baldness has higher priority than the cure for short fourth finger.

Following the pharmaceutical industry, without waiting for any research, the teleshopping network is going to launch few new products which would lengthen your fourth finger. So while you lose your weight while watching TV and eating potato chips, by wearing a belt, lengthen your fourth finger too, by wearing a new ring and announce to the world you are a Playboy. If you are pregnant, there is a tea which can increase your child's fourth finger. Fear not, if its a girl, the tea would automatically shorten the fourth finger.

(Yawn) Do I have to mention Fotox has replaced Botox as the must do in Celebs list. And now its not just hair extensions and nail extensions, but also finger extensions...Magazines which went bust due to recession are repositioning and relaunching themselves. Their target audience, rich, glamorous people with longer fourth finger. (Their actual readers, people who want to be rich and glamorous with longer fourth finger.) Meanwhile Indian newspapers are rubbing their hands in glee. Now the matrimonial ads would get longer. Instead of seeking Fair, homely, professional brides, Indian men would search for Fair, homely professional girls with shorter fourth finger. And matrimonial websites would now have a new segment to target their fairytale ads.

Its absolutely wonderful news for the Indian gynecologists and quacks who profit from female foeticide. Now even parents who were willing to have a girl, would be scared into aborting their girl if she has a longer fourth finger. After all who would marry a playgirl? And wouldn't she be a stigma to the family name and a financial burden. Of course this would mean fewer women for Indian men to marry.

But thats where the astro-jewellers jump in. Wearing a rare jade would get you married. And if the couple wear an emerald stone, they would not get a child with longer fourth finger. (If they want a boy with longer fourth finger, you will have to wear a ruby stone). And if the bridegroom is gifted with a platinum ring during marriage, he would remain a loyal, husband (irrespective of the length of the fourth finger.) And a diamond collection is going to be launched for the new Independent Indian woman, which will also prevent her from falling for the charms (and evil designs) of the men with a longer fourth finger.

Telemarketers are now back with a new range of Edgy Credit Cards. Blue cards for those with longer fourth finger and green cards for those with longer forefinger. This will be followed by new cars, deos, and mobiles for people with longer or shorter fourth finger. A forgotten Filmstar has now decided to start a NGO dedicated to those with shorter fourth finger, unlike him. His PRO has confirmed the "has been celeb" has a moving speech on the "under privileged".

Some organisation has decided that the condom industry's move is commercial, exploitative, absolutely obscene, and against our culture and plans to attack people who buy or sell condoms via the finger signal. But thats not the reason why we haven't been hit by the fourth finger blitz.

You see, the banks and other major corporates want to suck out more billions from their governments, before coming out of recession. Experts say the cat would be out of the bag by 2012, when Dick Cheney - Sarah Palin would win the election of bankrupt USA. An auspicious year according to Chinese Calender.

Fending off the Unfriended

"Unfriend" according to the New Oxford American Dictionary, is the Word of the Year. Oxford defines "unfriend," a verb, thusly: "To remove someone as a 'friend' on a social networking site such as Facebook."

So perhaps its time, you let go of the strangers who are on your friends list or the snoopy colleague at work. While its agonising to be unfriended, (Divine Justice - Bollywood style ) it not easy fending off the unfriended, when they confront us and ask for the reason. Well, look around you, and get inspired. Here are some responses you could use :-

1. Did I unfriend you? I know I shouldn't have. Let me check and respond. (Mayawati to Supreme Court on Memorial, style)

2. I value your friendship. But my family needs me more. And Family comes First. (Sachin style)

3. I just needed (your) attention. (Sena style)

4. Claim "Its against internet's culture to ask the reason for being unfriended " Then get violent and send virulent viruses and claim you did it because your cultural sensibilities were affected. (MNS style)

5. Everyone is doing it. Don't focus on just me. (Yedurappa's 1.7 crore renovation expenses style)

6. I want to spend the time, I spent on your friendship, helping the poor and needy. (Manu Sharma's give me Parole style)

7. I didn't unfriend you. Some virus did it. (Koda denial style)

8. Its just the beginning. I have asked all my friends to unfriend you. Lets see who ends up with how many friends. Its going to be an unfriendly unfriending war for friendship. (Ambani brothers style)

9. Hide and let someone else explain it for you. (Osama style)

10. Lol ! You thought I care about your feelings! (Rajapakse style)

11. We can, (pause) have a great and meaningful, (long pause) offline relationship, (longer pause) only if I unfriend you, (longest pause) first. (Obama on Tibet style)

2. I know how you feel. It hurts awfully. Its only one for you. I was unfriended by 7 people today. (Pakistan on terrorism in India style)

13. See for a better life, you need to unfriend and declutter your life. I was helping you kickstart the process. Unfriend everyone else, then don't forget to be grateful to me for it. (US enabling Iraq style)

14. Let me give you 3 email ids. They can be your friends instead of me. (Just don't target us, US to Pakistan style)

15. Of course I know you don't deserve it. But I am the member of Nobel Committee on Increasing Internet Friendship...