What You Want

Spirituality, Marriage, Children, and Blogging are all like Bungee Jumping. Exhilarating for Some, but definitely Not for Everyone. Its all about the journey and not about the destination.

Don't get into them if you think it would help you become famous or make more money or because others are doing it.

Get into them for the simple reason of You wanting to do it. And you will know its what You Want, when you will accept responsibility, if something goes wrong in the process.

And all are mutually exclusive, including marriage and children.

If you agree with this you might like
Perplexed about Premarital Sex
Lonely? Get a Pet not a Spouse
Single and Still Complete
Before Walking off Into the Sunset
Dumped and Down in the Dumps
Van Gogh on Valentine
Do You Need Him to be Happy?

If you disagree you probably would have moved on before this line.

Finding Friendships - II - The S Factor

My muse spoke during the previous post, on how tough its for singles to find friends. And now, my conscience speaks on how its tougher to find friends, after being married. The S factor, ie the Spouse factor, interfers, not only when one tries to find new friends, but could also could cut down on existing friends. Well thats something the Singles, dont have to worry about.

Before the moan and groan, lets classify, the Couples. There are just 2 kinds of Couples. Married with kids, and Married without kids.

RULES

Rule 1 : Married with kids, dont gel well with Married without kids.
The “with Kids” dont understand, why the “withouts” can't understand, their children are precious, talented, sweet kids, and why the “withouts“ make a big deal out of kids crying, or be mean and deny kids their mobile or remote control, when the little angel asks for them..The without Kids dont understand why the kids control everything. And why the parents pamper the kids and turn them into spoilt wailing brats. (After having kids, they will know the mysterious, secret reason).

Rule 2 : Just because you get along with your friend and you both dont have kids, doesnt mean
Your spouse will like your friend
Your spouse will like your friend's spouse
Your friend will like your spouse
Your friend's spouse will like you
Your friend's spouse will like your spouse.
And when in a group, when one doesnt like the other, its not easy to take it beyond acquaintance. And its not always possible to exclude the spouses.

Rule 3 : If you have kids, what matters is not whether, you, your friend, your friend's spouse or your spouse like each other.
All that matters, is whether the kid likes the friend's kid. Never ever maintain a friendship with a parent of a child your kid hates. You dare to raise an eyebrow? Go ahead braveheart try it, and dont forget to take earplugs to combat the wails. You are stuck up with your kid's friend's parents. And dont worry, your kid wont get into undesirable friendships. It knows that if it makes the maid's kid, its friend, the maid's kid, doesnt have the toys it has.

Rule 4 : Its tougher for women after marriage to find new friends than men. Especially if they dont live in a nuclear family.
There is a difference between stepping out of the house to meet a friend approved by the inlaws, then to say vaguely, I am going to this place, hoping to make new friends.

Rule 5 : For women living with inlaws, other than the above, also avoid having these people as friends, even if they were your friend before marriage.
1. Divorcees : Even if she is the best friend, she is a bad influence. So you are expected to dump her or maintain a distance from her.
2. Widows : She could be bad luck. But if she fits in with the customs, and she has been your friend since highschool, well..she could be ok..
3. Women who have been married for 2 years and still dont have kids. (Even if you dont have kids, she could be a bad influence). This doesnt mean its ok for you to continue your friendship with a woman who has had a child outside wedlock. It could reflect on your character..:D
4. Men : Unless, you a tie Rakhi, men are bad news, especially unmarried men, unless, they want your inlaws to find them wives and are willing to spend more time with them, than with you.
5. Women who are lawyers, police officers, models, etc.
6. People who are NOT friends of the family and their relatives. Therefore, before you talk with a married woman your age, check if her family gets along with your family. Surely you dont want to be a traitor.

Rule 6 : For men, female friends are mostly not ok, unless they are married or have a visible boyfriend.
Widowers, divorcees, men without kids are ok, as long as they can get along with your spouse. Men from any career are ok, as long as they are employed.

Rule 7 : Its tough to Find Friendship if you or your spouse is a Freak.
Social Definition of A Freak :
1. A man who believes women have to be respected.
2. A woman who believes she is a human, and therefore equal to human males.
3. A man or a woman who believes caste and religion, dont matter, even in a private conversation.
4. A man or a woman who is goody goody and believes in paying taxes, not watching pirated movies and treating the servants as humans, not giving bribes and in a nutshell, is just being a pain, for being Holier than thou.
5. A woman who hates shopping for gold,and garments, unless its necessary and a man who hates shopping for electronics, unless its necessary.
6. A male homemaker
7. A female who hates soaps
8. A male who isnt interested in the Indian men's cricket team.
9. A man or woman who thinks a child has to be given what it needs, not what it wants, even if it Wails for it.
10. A man or woman who thinks, discussing current affairs, includes talking about how 7000 Indians die Everyday from Hunger, How a woman dies Every 5 minutes due to childbirth in India (and that its worse than the situation in Sri Lanka or Bangladesh), Neonatal mortality rates, 47% of Indian children are under nourished., female foeticide and that there are only 927 girls per 1000 boys and its becoming every worse every decade, Child marriage is more than 50% in some states, Environment, Cost of Indian Parliament is more than a crore per day and so on..

Rule 8 : Husband talks with Husband and Wife talks with Wife.
Even if initally a Wife and a Husband had been friends from kindergarden. (And if you are a man talking with a husband of your friend from kindergarden, never talk, as if,you know your friend better than the spouse, even if they have been married for just a day. Similar rule for the woman, talking to the best friend's wife.)

Rule 9 : Having pets is like having kids.
People with pets are more likely to find new friendships with those who have similar pets, and of course its important that the pets get along, and the topic of conversation would also include on pet foods and doctors and so on...
If you have pet and kid, well now its important to find people your pet and kid likes. Phew. And may God Bless You.

Rule 10 : If you are :
1. Female Divorcee : Dont waste your time trying to finding friendships with married couple. Unless you have a visible big scar, from your exhusband. Watch out, your married girl friends may have to distance themselves from you.

2. Male Divorcee : You have better options than the female one. But if you have are going to talk about the visible big scar from your ex wife, you better have had an affair, otherwise, no husband wants to befriend a "wimp", even if he is a wimp.

3. Widow : You will have your existing friends, and also your husband's friends. But they will expect you to have a "silent, sad, and yet I will manage smile". If you want to have fun (even 2 years after his death, they arent the right people for you). And dont expect them to find you a new boyfriend or husband.

4. Widower : You too will retain your friends. Be prepared for suggestions of getting married, 1 month after her death. And your friends would love to cheer you up.

5. Live ins : Forget finding friendships in married couples. They will never understand why you dont have to be married, and you will never understand, why they got married.

6. Single Parent : Make friends, with those who have kids.

7. A Homosexual Couple : You can rule out many people as your friends, unless, you can get away with we are room mates, and searching for romance and avoid suspicion. But why would you want endless, suggestions and proposals, when you already have your family doing it for you?

And if you are planning to get married, dont forget to invite everyone you know. Especially those who are already married, whom you avoided because you thought they were boring. Now you know, why you need them.

All Posts on Relationships . Previous Posts for Married : Do you need him to be happy?
No.342

Finding Friendships

After thinking about it, I realised, life is tough for the singles. I mean the lucky, independent people, who live away from home, who dont have to share their income or remote control with anyone. If Singles are reading this post, buddy, I feel so sorry for you.

1. You have to put up with endless relatives who want to know why you havent been married yet..
2. And finding the soulmate isnt easier either. You dont want your family telling “I told you so..“ for the rest of your life. (And thanks to female foeticide, we have less girls than guys, and therefore, its worse for the guys. But that of course is a small price for being alive.)
3. But if there is anything tougher than finding and maintaining romantic relationships, its finding friends.

At school and college it was easy. You just had to flaunt something to get attention. And then talk about sharing and get the friend, who is too tired to move on to someone else. But now everyone's earning. And its not about just having any friend, but having the right friend.

1.Beware of friends who are married.
They will tell you its a wonderful thing to be married, and for every topic you discuss, you will get to know, what the spouse thinks about it, even if its just you two discussing it.
And if you point it out, the friend could pout and talk about twin souls, and make you feel bad about not having romance in your life.
For every plan you two make, the approval from the spouse is essential.
And worse the friend might team up with the spouse and get some terrible blind dates for you.
Hey you have enough relatives doing that, why would you want your friends too, to rub it in.

2.If there is any kind of friend worse than the married friend, its the friend who is married and has kids.
The kid will break even the stuff, the salesperson said was unbreakable,
throw away your remote or your mobile (a part of your soul),
dump every eatable on the floor after crumbling it to pieces,
hide away your keys,
spill water on your office paper work
and cry if you dont give the important papers, to make a boat.
Get hurt and Wail (and you will be blamed for not having a child friendly environment)
And you will be expected to be uncomplaining, and comment "Oh an adoring, sweet kid." If you dont, be prepared to go on a guilt trip, for being an insensitive, selfish person.
And if you think its ok to be friendly with parents whoose kid hasnt started walking, then be prepared to be assaulted by endless photos and videos of their darling baby. And you will have to come up with an original comment for every photo/ video clip and have a photographic memory of all the comments you made earlier, since comparisions would arise. It could go something like
"So you think the blue dress looks better than the green dress, last week. But last month you thought the green was better than the previous blue, is it the shade or the cut, that has made you changed your mind?"

3.If you think, Singles would emphatise with you, sigh, it isnt so easy. Its not easy telling the opposite gender. Hmmm, I want to be just friends with you. It could be treated as an insult or worse, you being coy (if a girl) or corny (if a guy). And the person could assume you really want to have a romantic relationship.

4.If you think, forget the opposite gender, let me search within my gender.
Well, you might get one, provided you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
Because, almost every single person is searching for boyfriend or girlfriend, and when they have a friend who doesnt have a romantic relationship, it might give a misleading impression of their sexual orientation. (Simply put, if you dont have a romantic relationship, you could be gay and they wouldnt want others to get the idea, they too are gay).

5.Virtual Friendships are not a bad idea.
You have an idea of what the person likes and dislikes. But then one is never sure, if its hacker, or serial killer, or the uncle you dislike, trying to do analyse you, or your colleague, who wants to tell Boss what you actually think about work. (What?? You think these people can never be on the net?)

6.Younger ones.
If you think you can move few years down the age bar, and have a fun filled friendship with younger ones, well to them, you are still an oldie, and its tough to be friendly to a person who keeps calling you "Uncle" or "Aunty".

7.Older ones.
If you think you can move up a few years on the age bar and have a fun filled friendship with older ones, well its tough to have a friendship with an oldie, who doesnt want to face reality, and wants to be on first name basis and not the respectful "Uncle" or "Aunty". (Plzzzz, is it so tough to understand, you dont use first names, because you dont want others to think, you too are an oldie? !!!)

8.Tooooo Young.
All kids are not brats, and if you think you will go out and be friendly to kids, who are entitled to call you "Uncle" or "Aunty", well you have to head to some orphanage. But just a minute.
If you are a guy the world would wonder, if you are a paedophile.
And if you are a girl, the world would wonder, if you had been pregnant as a teenager and you have a child in that orphanage and thats the reason behind you being single.

9.Sigh. There are plenty of old age homes. But instead of being thankful for your visit, the people there could act human, and ask why you are still being single, and be just like other people in your family. The people you have run away from.

10.And there are other endless complications in friendships. You dont want someone too poor, who might be interested in you just for the money. And unfortunately those richer than you, think you would be crass enough to like them for just the money. You dont want someone who is from a different caste or religion, for they might not agree you are the Best or the Oppressed. And you dont want someone from a different state, because you both might disagree on water sharing or the superior city.

To conclude, if you are single, and still have some friends, stick with them, even if they bore you to death. Its tough enough to find your soul mate, why waste the energy on finding new friends?

Finding good Friends isnt easy, but its tougher for those who are Single, and Want to Mingle, in a Friendly way..

Previous Posts on Singles
Van Gogh on Valentine
Single and Still Complete
Perplexed about Premarital Sex?
Life007 is not a guy?
Single & Ready to Mingle
Before Walking Off into the Sunset
All Posts on Relationships
No.341

Do you need your Him to be Happy?

The relationship isn't bad enough for a Divorce,.
But doesn't match your Dreams.
Whats the point of a relationship, you wonder sometimes,
When you aren't Happy most of the times.

He doesn't abuse you.
Yet it would be nice, if he could care more for you.
Hmmm, well he does care for you.
But it would be nice if he Expresses, the care for you, in the way you Expect.

Life is already tough and seems to be getting tougher.
Wouldn't it be nice, if one could go back a little?
Well not as a teenager, but atleast to the twenties
When you got attention and had fun?

Now, its just burdens to be shared,.
But whats the point of sharing burden?
Just living?
But when did just living constitute having a life, and being Happy? ,

There is a difference between unhappiness, satisfaction and happiness.
Unhappiness : When you dont get water in the morning, just after you have shampooed your hair and its entering your eye.
Satisfaction : When you get water.
and Happiness? : When you become a bathroom singer, not caring about your voice being awful, but just feeling good, and living, that moment, even when the temperature of the water isnt right and you dont have the best shampoo or shower gel and a sexy guy massaging your back :)

Getting back to your situation.

You have given your time and life,
And yet you don't get compliments.
Just told to be thankful;
That there are few criticisms.

There are 43 things you want to change in him
Even if there are 32 more important things, that you wouldn't want to change, in him.


So how can You be Happy in this situation?

1.The purpose of all relationships, isn't to make you Happy. Yeah it sounds crazy, but just accept this and move on to the next point:)

2.Take control of your happiness, don't wait for him to make you Happy.

3.Its possible to be Happy, just by minor things in life, like a smile. Go ahead smile now for 5 seconds (at the risk of seeming silly or having an internet affair). And feel the difference.

4.Stop expecting from him. Forget what you think, he has to do. And feeling miserable about it later, when he doesn't live up to your expectations. Whats more important being right about your expectations, or living happily?

5.Accept he can't make you happy many times.Accepting doesn't mean saying its ok. But it simply means going after the consequences instead of brooding about the cause. For eg : When you don't get water, when you are in the shower, instead of feeling miserable, and brooding about it, its wiser to accept you don't have water, and to think what you can do about it.

6.It would be nice if he made you happy, but you dont need him to make you feel happy.Happiness is a sea which is Within you, and it doesnt need rain from him.

7.Think, what makes you Happy and plan to make yourself happy. Dont feel guilty, thinking you are being selfish. If you don't care for yourself, who will?

8.Communicate what makes you happy, even when :
a. The fun goes out, when he does only what you tell him to do, and doesn't think independently, (like you) on what would make you happy.
b. he doesn't do what makes you happy. Just because he didn't do somethings, doesn't mean he will do nothing.

9.Its tough to be loved, and not respected. Draw a line, be firm, but dont get hysteric.
Its one thing to Think he did this last year and to bring it up in a fight,
its another to Tell, Honey, just because I am not shouting or pouting ,doesn't mean I am OK with what you did yesterday.

10. Its not necessary for million autograph hunters to make you happy
Its not even necessary for someone in your family to make you happy

Your happiness, is in your hands and heart,
You dont need a reason or excuse to be happy
Being alive itself is a joy and a reason to be happy
So dont wait for a Stimulus, before you break into a Song

To reach a financial goal, its not enough to earn, its important to invest and spend wisely.
Its not enough to be in a relationship to be happy, its important to pay attention to yourself.
And you dont need him to make you feel happy, you need him, only to share your happiness.

No.337
Previous Relationships Posts
Previous Posts on Happiness : Aargh Diaries - Desires and Happiness, A Butterfly called Happiness

Being in Love

Being in Love doesnt just mean wanting to sleep with someone
But being happy, when you wake up that one

Being in Love doesnt mean a relationship forever
But making an attempt, to keep alive the relationship, forever

Being in Love doesnt mean zero sadness
But just being there for each other during sadness

Being in Love is not about feeling good, forever, with one another
But just feeling good about having had the opportunity to meet the other

Being in Love doesnt mean one has found the perfect person
But just that one doesnt feel the need to find another person

Being in Love doesnt mean Love ends without a relationship
But just that it would be more wonderful if there was a relationship

Being in Love never means its ok to put up with abuse
Because Loving another never means, not loving yourself

Being in Love isnt necessary to feel alive
Being in Love is just one of the ways to feel alive

Posts on Relationships
Post no.329

Lonely? Get a Pet not a Spouse

A Drama Called Life -

Victim : The single human, who is earning and feeling lonely. And even though there aren't reasons to feel sad, thinks, perhaps life could be enriched further.

Conspirators : The entire society, who assure the Victim, every problem would be solved, by a single relationship called Marriage. The Victims are made to believe that the spouse would listen with wide adoring eyes, to every nonsense the Victim spouts and love the Victim, even when the Victim is being angry/stupid/arrogant, and ignore all the faults and say Love is Blind.

Ha ! If you are such a Victim, and belive the Conspirators, you can have better luck thinking your Boss would understand you, love you, cherish you, and accept you for who you are. And promote you, to be the Boss's Boss. And after all you don't have to deal with the complex mechanisms of your Boss and your family, you and your Boss's family and your family and your Boss's family. (If comprehending this is tough, then imagine living through it).

If being lonely is one of the main reasons for getting married, then think again. Marriage requires more.

Its easier to quit the job, but tougher to quit the relationship called marriage. If an IT person, had switched 15 jobs in 12 years, its ambition, but if its 3 spouses in 12 years, its being loose, and the tag "hmmm perhaps something is wrong".

You feel lonely and think another life would enhance and enrich your life, don't go for a spouse, get a pet.

1. The pet won't crib.

2. The pet won't expect much from you

3. The pet won't say out loud, you are a loser. Or give a sad sigh, when it meets its friends after couple of years.

4. The pet won't criticise your family. Your family won't criticise the pet much (if its your choice). The pet's family won't criticise you. And you don't have to worry about the nuclear war that could happen, when the pet's family meets your family.

5. The pet will expect food, not the best food , and won't complain about the food and say, I could cook better or my family could cook better or say your family has weird tastes when it comes to food.

6. The pet will not argue with you and will not pout when it loses an argument with you or gloat if it wins an argument with you.

7. The pet will not complain if you spend too much time on the net, and drag you to relationship counselling and crib you are escaping from it.

8. The pet will not cost much, and you won't have to spend most of the money you have saved till now, by treating a crowd you will never meet again, to a grand reception. And you don't have to worry if you look faboulous, and if your reception is the best one in your circle. And you don't have to worry about your pet interfering with your financial plan.

9. You need not buy another TV for your pet. And your pet won't criticise your tastes in movies, books etc.

10. The pet will not vent its frustrations on you.

11. The pet will not blog about your quirks and label them "nasty habits that drive me crazy"

12.The pet (unless its a bird) will not tweet about you or compare the number of followers with its followers and smugly say, "well I am a friendly type so have friends or see after marriage, I have lost my followers because of you".

If you think advantage of human company is sex. Well, no sex is better than having sex for the sake of sex, or having sex with someone you dislike. And sure, the pet might not share your workload at home, but for that get a housekeeper.


A Quick Pet Guide.
1. Dog : Loyal, and will adore you ,even if you are a serial killer. A great way to avoid people who pester you.
But check your building rules, and it might be tough to leave it alone, if you dont have anyone at home.
2.Cat : Not as wonderful as a dog. And its not going to adore you, as much as it adores itself, but it perhaps requires less care and maintainene.
3.Fish : Easier to leave them alone at home. But you might feel queasy after watching Finding Nemo. Ideal for those who dont want to spend too much time with another life.
4.Birds : Personally, I think better to let them fly. But its your life, not mine
5.Insects..Ants, Cockroaches, Lizards. Thats for the lazy ones. You dont have to hunt around for them. And they will take care of themselves. You can feel good for not using the pesticide, and your friends will secretly envy you. There may be people who arent afraid of tigers, but sweat and scream at the sight of a cockroach.. But do draw a line, with the rats.

The PET IS NOT A SUBSTITUE FOR MARRIAGE. But its better to get a pet, to solve the problem of feeling lonely, than to marry, just because you are feeling lonely.

IF you are just interested in getting and have not given much thought to giving and compromising, ignore the Conspirators and their suggestion of marriage.

Marriage is not a pill which will cure all your problems, but like a tonic, which can enhance your life. You will have to solve your problems. If you think marriage will solve it, you are just going to end up with more problems.

Alone and feeling Lonely? Dont Fret
Just go and get a Pet
The idea of marriage as a cure, please forget
After couple of months, you wont have much to regret

Also check Before Walking off into the Sunset ,
Posts on Relationships
Post no.325

Single and Still Complete

Even though I have a happy marriage, I am a staunch supporter of those who want to remain single. And by single I dont mean live in relationships, but just feeling complete even if one doesnt have relationships.
As I said earlier, relationships are more like bungee jumping , not for everyone , though it can have its unmatched moments of thrills.

And staying single is still not easy these days. And I am not talking about the Child Marriage practice which exists almost everywhere in India.

Its not just parents colleagues neighbours and the milkman/woman. Its impossible to maintain an inbox without receiving an email about the various girls/guys who are waiting just for you, and who would, with a flash of magic, make your now miserable life heavenly.
And if its not marriage its dating. In any and every website.

So in face of this social pressure, how does one convince oneself to stay single when one Wants to stay Single. Well some gender neutral thoughts on the advantages of staying single.
1.You dont have to worry about making the right choice.
2.You wont have to worry about being dumped.
3.You dont have the illusion of not being single. After all many relationships do break. Before or after marriage.
4.You dont have to share the Computer, TV, Bathroom, Money and well everything else. Otherwise its only the mobile which you dont have to share.Worse you could end up with a mate who prefers the most irritating ringtone. (You may avoid the terrible TV programs with 2 TVs and terrible movies with strictly single viewing decision and terrible music taste with headphones or earplugs, but ringtones!!)
5.Perhaps you dont have to put up with inlaws who are always suspicious of you
6.Perhaps you dont have to be euphoric and look enthusiastic with your mate and then discover your mate is cheating on you with your "best" friend or a murderer or a golddigger or a maniac. They flash warning signs on mutual funds ads but unfortunately not on dating and matrimonial ads.
7.You dont have to remember more birthdays and valentine days and worry over gifts for your mate. And on birthdays, who knows better than you, what you like. Just buy one present for yourself.
8.You can travel anywhere without taking into account any other preferences. And if you forget to switch off the lights, no one would smirk at you and berate you for being irresponsible.
9.You can have a career or decide to not have a career without worrying what it would also mean for the family.
10. Perhaps you can be more responsible and learn to take care of yourself, instead of believing someone will care for you forever only to be shattered later.
11.You dont have to worry about the mate's moods, preferences etc or read books on the right method to tell your mate about body odour
12.Perhaps , you can read this blog at home, without your mate looking over your shoulder wondering if you are having an online affair. Or you may not have to worry about your mate having an affair while you are blogging.

At worst people will wonder if you are homosexual or have a "broken heart" or or if you havent started using the right fairness cream.
If you give some of these reasons you will be accused of being selfish. But whats the point of life if you cant live the life the way you want to.
Your parents will ask for someone to look after you/ after them etc. But then just point out your mate could be like someone unpleasant from their favourite soap.
Your friends might trying fixing you on blind dates. Well if you dont want it, just dump them or send this blog post link to them till they get the message.
Sure you could end up as virgins, but then marriage or any other kind of relationships arent guarantee for great sex either. And anyway you wouldnt also have to worry about unwanted pregnancies or HIV from oral sex (Medium HIV risk) or french kissing (Now who checks the partners mouth with a torch to check for open wounds in the mouth??) And you dont have to worry about the other sexually transmitted diseases. Anyway dont confuse relationship with sex. One could always find like minded sensible persons, who want you for your body and not your mind, money, soul etc and will not be hypocritical about it.
And last but not the least you wont have someone to blame for your mistakes.
And a person to sign forms when you are hospitalised..But then whats the point of life you cant live it the way you want to live?
Orphans survive, and if you want to, so can you in this society without entering into relationships for the sake of it.
So if you want to; decide you want to stay,
single and enjoy life on your terms everyday.

Other Posts on Relationships
Tag Relationships

Valentine's Day Dont Dos

10 things you need not do on Valentine's Day

1.Propose just because its Valentine's Day
If you are in love, everyday is a Valentine's Day. But dont pressurise yourself into a decision, just because of a calendar date.
( http://wisedonkey.blogspot.com/2005/01/before-walking-off-into-sunset.html )

2. Equate your self esteem with the number of cards/gifts you receive.
What matters is not what others think of you, but what you think of yourself.

3.Think sadly about your ex.
Your ex is an ex for a reason. Dont waste your time, celebrate life, everyday. And make it a point to pamper yourself and celebrate life on this day. Your first love should be you, and if you dont love yourself, who will?

4.Think the biggest and best flowers/ cards/ candies mean more love
They just mean spending more money. And more money is not the same as more love

5.Throw stones at others celebrating Valentine's Day
Live and let live :)

6.Think you need not wish your loved one, because you are already in a relationship and you had celebrated it in the past
Its always feels nice to be wished :) And why take anyone for granted.

7.Compare your Valentine's Day with that of your friend, colleague etc
Thats just a waste of time, you know that right?

8.Think you have to have a plan just because everyone around you has one
Its your life, do what you want, dont want what others do. Celebrate it if you want on your own, Celebrate it with someone else or just ignore it. But just dont worry over what others are doing.

9.Think its the end of the world if your loved ones forgets it
I agree that its almost impossible with all the marketing but please there is always Feb 15th, just celebrate it the next day, instead of fighting over it

10.Worry over the single status
If Valentine's Day is the day of love, the first person you should love is yourself. Go pamper yourself and as I said earlier, if you dont love yourself, if you dont think you are worth pampering, if you dont think you are worth your time; who will?

Its just another calendar date, but just like other calendar dates, make the best out of it:)
Happy Valentine's Date to all Bloggers:)

Last Year Valentine's Day Post http://wisedonkey.blogspot.com/2005/02/van-gogh-on-valentine.html
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Tag Relationships

Dumped and Down in Dumps

Never mind the reason or (the excuse), you think you have been Dumped!And now you feel you are Down in the Dumps.

Well here is a checklist for you, to help you bounce back.

1.Moody Music
Music might be good, but watch out for the lyrics too. Dump "How am I supposed to live without you" and go for "I will Survive". Same goes for movies books and arts.

2.Memories
Need not burn the photographs and letters and some memorabilia from your first date together. But dont spend your time with them either. Gazing at them and sobbing with them for 32nd time isnt going to bring back the person into your life. Lock them and put them away.

3.Perhaps things would work out
Well great if you could get back. But do think twice. If the message is a clear Baby I am dumping you, think twice before rushing back and saying Oh I want you so badly and will do anything for you. You might do Anything for Love, but just dont do that. Dignity is important.

4."Exposing" Ex
Hmmm yeah yeah all the negative points start to roll. And you want to tell the world what a rotten person, your ex was. But don't go overboard. Everyone has plus and minus points. It could always get around to your ex and why make things nastier. Be diplomatic and dont brood over it while talking about it to others.

5.Race you to find the next love
Be open for new relationships, but dont be desperate. And please be mature, dont get into one relationship, just to show off to your ex. The new relationship could develop complications too

6.Oh I am so unlucky
Well all have ups and downs. And sometimes its so great to be just alive. After all you arent amongst the 24000 people who die Everyday from hunger. So stop making the rounds of every astrologer or brooding to yourself on why should I be so unlucky. You are alive, you are not unlucky.

7.I just wanna die
Who said you are not going to die? Everyone dies. So stop thinking about speeding it. Think of this as your second life and enjoy it.

8.I will never get another one
Uh never say never. The point is, even if you never get another, that doesn't mean you can't live, happily. You have got yourself, and You are Complete.

9.Something is wrong with me
Well it could be or it couldn't be. But a relationship is not just about wrong or right but about compatibility and love. If you think you need to be different in something, be different, but do it because you want to do it, not because you want a relationship.

10.Perhaps I should be just friends
Nothing wrong in being friendly, but make the boundaries clear. And its stupid, to say I just want to be friends and then obsessing if perhaps, there was more to the smile..

11.Let me find comfort in food/alcohol/drugs
Watch out you could end up with more problems

12.I have the Right to Roar with Rage
If one relationship goes wrong, doesn't give you the right to sabatoge other relationships. So however tempting it is to vent your frustration at family,friends and colleagues, do go easy on them too:)

13.I am embarrassed and can't face the world and want to Crawl into a hole
Its your life, live it. If others bother you with it, look them in the eye, lift an eyebrow and say Oh yeah, So what? If they care about you, they are not going to taunt or embarass you. Why care what those who don't care for you think or say?

14.I will be always wrong and can never make the right choice
Uh. No child can walk with the first step and if every child think, hey I stumbled, I shouldn't try walking, the whole world would be crawling not walking or running:) Sure next time be careful, but please don't give up. Its not natural. Go get the world, fighter.

15.Wherever Ex goes: Perhaps if I keep appearing in front of my ex, things would change / I will avoid everything connected with Ex
Hey people get scared of stalkers, dont fall in love with them. Don't force your ex to get a restraining order. At the same time, if there are places and persons whom you have to visit, for reasons OTHER than your ex, do visit. Just be cool, polite and keep a distance, when you come across your ex in those situations

16.I have to be happy : I am very determined to be happy. And I will tell all I AM VERRRY HAPPY
Forced cheerfulness, is ok to an extent. But please don't pressurise yourself too much to feel something you aren't feeling. Its ok to feel sad. Acknowledge the pain, before deciding to move on. And its ok to cry for a while, if you want (like the rest, this is for guys and gals)

17.I just cant stop thinking about my Ex
Hey its not easy to forget. At the same time, don't be obsessed. Accept your ex is Ex. Whats worse than the time not being with your Ex, is to regret tommorrow that you spent today, thinking about Ex.

18.My Ex is now with my friend!
Dump your friend too. And move on.

19.My Ex is getting married! To go or not to go
Hmmm, if you get an invitation and if you Want to go, go. And make sure you don't have expectations of your ex deciding at the last moment to marry you:) But if you dont get an invitation, please don't go.

20.I want revenge
The best revenge is to NOT let it affect you. Just be yourself. Instead of thinking I will not do this, because the other person would want me to do it, do what You want.


Precious Minutes
This minute is precious, so is every minute after this. You climbed Mount Everest and had a fantastic view. And unfortunately, now you feel like you have been pushed down. But that doesn't mean you can't recover, and decide in future to climb another peak either.

You had good time, now its tough time.
Don't regret,
Forgive, but don't Forget
Every minute you live is a gift to you.
You may feel exhausted and want to lie down for a while
But have a plan of getting up refreshed too.

You have a choice, to brood and feel low for a long time
Or decide to bounce back.
The past can be a hammock or a springboard.

The choice is yours
Its your life, don't let your beautiful minutes, be taken away.
It may not be in your hands on how others treat you
But you and you alone are in control of how you treat yourself.
Don't dump yourself, You deserve better and the best:)

This post is not about stopping you from loving your Ex,
but to tell you, your love for your Ex,
shouldn't stop you from a happier life:)
if your Ex decides to not reciprocate your love

PS : This post like other Relationships posts is gender neutral :)

Perplexed about Premarital Sex?

These reasons aren't enough, to have premarital sex.

1.My friends are doing it
You are not your friends. You have your own identity.

2.It would be cool
When you want to be something you arent, you are Wannabe Kewl not Cool.

3.I would lose my partner
If your partner cant respect your decisions, you ought to dump the partner.

4.I dont want my friends/partner to think I could be gay
Better be thought a gay, then being in a closet and doing things you dont want to.

5.What if I die tommorrow?
Why are you terminally ill or verrrrrry old? Well I do know there could be a tsunami or earthquake or a terrorist attack. And you could be an unfortunate victim.But we dont yell at our Boss thinking what if I die tommorrow, or spend everything in the bank thinking what if I die tommorrow.

6.Its seem so great in the movies
People jump from tall buildings and never get hurt in the movies.

7.I feel bored
Get a hobby

8.I feel lousy now perhaps I would feel better after sex
10 minutes afer sex you are probably going to feel lousy too. And if you dont really want to do it, and have sex just because you think it will make you feel great, you are just expecting too much and perhaps will end up feeling lousier.

9.I have the money and someone needs the money.
Its unethical and illegal (Yes I Know you Know).
And those who get caught never thought they would get caught.

10.Porn feels good, sex should feel better.
Looking at an icecream advertisement is not the same as eating a melted icecream. Things could get sticky and yucky too. And you might not like the flavour.
Those in the ads, are paid to look as if they are enjoying it.

11.Someone hot and popular wants to do it with me!
Chocolate is great, but 15 minutes after having it, you are not going to feel great. Its never worth it if you really dont want it.

12.I want to blog about it or talk about it
Read couple of other blogs which are on it, and blog. None would know the difference. Or better blog about something different about you. If talking about it, is the reason for it, or if thats the added advantage, well generally its supposed to be personal..

new 13.The magic of unknown.
If thats your only reason, ask yourself, if your are going to stop after it becomes known. The best thing about the sex doesnt lie in the first time. Then people would do it only once:) By the way, the magic of Yelling back at the Professor or Boss is unknown to many too:)


new 14. I have done it in the past
Sex is not just a habit. Let it be meaningful to you. Every breath of life, is an opportunity to be yourself. Just because you thought it was fine, in the past doesnt mean you would think its fine now.

new 15.Kissing, Oral Sex etc are not the same as intercourse.
Yeah of course they arent. But whatever the nature of the sexual act, dont do it for the wrong reasons

Whats enough? Well if you really want to do it for yourself and after you have considered the Premarital Sex Checklist

1. Spontaneous maybe fun, but definitely not at the cost of safe sex. There is nothing romantic about unplanned premarital pregnancy, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

2. Dont rely on peer knowledge, better to get the doubts clarified from a doctor.

3. Be prepared also for the possibility of a seperation in future. If you are having sex, kissing, oral sex etc, only in the belief that the person will marry you , well why not wait a few more years. If these activities, make you feel vulnerable and if you think you will not be able to emotionally handle, a seperation later, dont.

4. Never have sex just to prove your love. This is just a form of emotional blackmail. The partner can always " prove the love" by going for a socially recognised method of "proving love".

5. Look around before exposing or indulging in sexual activities. One of the key ingredients of the Jalgaon scandal which happened some years ago was women being duped in the name of love, and recording the act and then blackmailing into doing more , with the video.

6. Be prepared for police raids if you are doing it in a public place and not your home (Check TOI on the number of people caught in "cola bars"in Gujarat and cyber cafes in UP etc).

7. Dont allow yourself to be photographed while doing something or while exposing yourself , by mobile cameras etc (Do I have to explain why??)

8. Oral sex is Medium HIV risk. Kissing can be a risk if you have open wounds. This is just for HIV, if you are so keen on having sex, do a basic research on other Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

9.Even if its just casual sex, think of the consequences if your future life partner gets to know about it. Think if you would be able to face any problems created due to this.

10.Also worth a check : The age of your partner and if the partner has another jealous "partner" or a family member with homicidal tendencies

So this concludes the post on premarital sex
For both the chromosones, xy and xx
Its really not very complex
But better, to exercise these mental checks.

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Post No. 211.

My Favourite Love Stories

This post is just my personal opinion, and not necessary, that its right:)

Two Mothers & King Solomon.
Two women went to King Solomon both claiming that a child belonged to them. Since he didnt live in today's age of DNA testing, or perhaps he thought that the child deserved to live with the mother who cared most, said let the child be cut in two and each mother would get a half. While one woman agreed, the other refused and withdrew the claim, hoping it would be better if the child stayed alive, even if it was with the other woman. The King gave the son to the woman who wanted the child to live.

Personally, dont think its necessary that the woman who withdrew the claim was the natural mother. We have come across too many cases of mothers killling their infant girls, and agreeing to sell the daughters to believe that the love of the woman who gives birth is supreme.

Possession many think is the first principle of love, or rather the aim of love. I disagree. Love is an expression of affection without expectation. And just because love doesnt result in marriage, doesnt make the love or the person is a failure.

Hmmm marriage. And hmmm, choice in marriage :)
And that makes me remember the second love story
Yashodha,the mother who took care of Krishna. Would she have loved Krishna more if she had given birth to him.
Makes me wonder, if mother's of adopted children, love them less or more or equally compared to those who birth give to their children.
Many would think they would love them perhaps less, since not related by blood, but then, when we give birth to the child, there is no element of choice. But when it comes to adoption, there is an element of choice. Surely if we choose to love someone, we ought to love them more. Well I think ultimately it depends on the person, and the process of adopting and giving birth has nothing to do with it.

How many think arranged marriages will never work, and love marriage always work, because in arranged marriage there is no question of choice.

How important is choice in love. Yes a love towards a child is not the same as love towards spouse.

In future, if advances in genetics, enables a parent to select even the personality of the child, will they love the child more , than the parents of today?

Well choice is important, all I wanted to point was, that it depends on the person, not just the choice or the lack of choice.

Just because the marriage was arranged doesnt mean that in future there would be no love in the marriage, And just because the marriage was arranged after a series of dates, which for many is a love marriage, doesnt mean that in future too there will be love in the marriage.

But enough of the mother angle, thankfully I will not write on another brother sister one :D And come to the words of love which shook me to the core a year back.

Ashtapathi, written by Saint Jayadev about Radha and Krishna. Its believed that whats described in it has more to do with the imagination of Jayadev then mythological basis.

Had gone with my mother in law to Narada Gana Sabha in Chennai to listen to bhajans. And on that day, they sang the stanza wherein after the marriage, Krishna tells Radha that he has to leave. And Radha instead of getting disappointed, smiles and tells Krishna, do you think I fell in love with your body? And doesnt get disheartened, suprising even Krishna.

Many think the best way to prove love is to die, or sing songs like "How am I supposed to live without you". But in my view ,hey, everyone has to die , living is tougher. And love for another is not a person's weakness, but strength. Sure its more fun when a person we love, loves us and we can spend our life with that person, but just because that cant happen doesnt make us or our love a failure and our life a misery.

And my final favourite.
Sita's love for Rama. (please just mentioning about Sita, and not Rama).
This princess, left the pleasures of the kingdom and decided to accompany Rama to the forest. After coming back to the kingdom, when a washerman questioned her chastity, Rama once again sent her to the forest. Though his father had 3 wives, he didnt choose to marry another woman after this. And Sita too didnt marry another.
But at the end, when Rama asked her to come back with the children, she refused.
The princess who gladly came with him to the forest, refused to come back to the kingdom. Being in love doesnt mean agreeing that whatever a person does is right or losing one's dignity.
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Van Gogh on Valentine

Life007 was filled with dread. Valentine's day was approaching. And what was worse than the day, were the days before the days. Colleagues asking about plans, friends ringing up to ask about plans and every website talking about plans. So had called in sick and was busy surfing the net for a date.

In colleges, had told, I have to concentrate on studies, and later I have to concentrate on my career. When you are 22 people think you are looking around, 23 you get advise and suggestions, 24 shocked looks and probably the thought, hmmm something wrong. But at 25 ! Life007 groaned.

Indian has a billion million people and surely a good percentage of that is in my age group and surely a good % of that would surf the net. Is 25 that old. And the panic, should have thought of this last month. Perhaps its too close to V Day (Oh God please, will it be a We Day or Just Me Day)

Whats my life if I dont have someone to love me. (Ok sure my friends,family and dog love me, but whats life if someone doesnt love me). Here I am ready to give my unconditional love, and why cant someone hear the sincere voice from my soul. Oh I just feel worthless, life007 thought. As though I am not worthy of being loved. And a prayer to God. OK take your time, with making me meet my soulmate, but atleast let me get a date, so that I wont look alone on that day. And get sympathetic reassurances from friends and smirks and snide remarks from my enemies.

An idea. Write a blog. Put in a few hearts, and write a profile. Surely there would be others like me. No. Not hearts. It would look too cliched and seem desperate??Ok maybe a rose. Hey what can be wrong with a rose? But probably others would think of rose and it doesnt reflect me anyway. And why limit the options. Just a good friend out on date would do (Obviously not of the same sex). Hmmm a sunflower. Bright, Sunny & Cheerful.

And then suddenly remembers another sunflower, by the Dutch Painter Van Gogh. Van Gogh - his paintings are worth millions today, but he had sold only one painting in his life. One neednt sell it for millions, but surely a few thousands, or atleast few hundreds. The thought that someone appreciates your art and wants to own it. And the paintings which were perceived worthless, have now become priceless!

(In March 1987, even those without interest in art were made aware of van Gogh's Sunflowers series when Japanese insurance magnate Yasuo Goto paid the equivalent of $39,921,750 for Van Gogh's Still Life: Vase with Fifteen Sunflowers at auction at Christie's London, at the time a record-setting amount for a van Gogh.)

Hmmm but how fair is it to let yourself be judged by the society? And then suddenly the desperation and dread vanished. Life007 decided to not Worry,about finding a date. Sure would try to find a soulmate or a just a friend. But if it was not possible, instead of lying to friends and staying at home, like last year, and cursing the corporates for adding more hype and the fate etc, would go out and give love to those who needed. There are plenty of oldage homes and orphanages, just to start with. The humans there dont need just food clothes and shelter, they too need love. And if Valentine's day is about love, then why not give them, that unconditional love for atleast a day...

Valentine's day today may be hyped by some corporates for their own benefits and might result in some peer pressure on the "plans". But an individual cant do much about it.
And thus realising its stupid to worry about being single or to suffer from low self esteem, life007, wrote the blog. Never mind if one didnt have a "date" on Valentine, just love life and be cheerful . Van Gogh's Sunflower had Always been priceless.

On Valentine's Day

Just because you haven't yet met your soul mate

or managed to squeeze in a date

No need to grumble and bemoan your fate.

Life can still be fun,

even if you are just one

Hey be thankful you are one

And not a none.

Remember the Van Gogh was never worthless

Even when it was unappreciated, it was always Priceless

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Life007 is not a guy?

Life007 is not a guy, he decided.
In a chatroom when Life007 had mentioned "I have some good forwards on women, interested", he had had given his email id.

Of course he had assumed it would be some pics, which he could forward to other guys or some stuff like women have 826 cosmetics in their handbag, which he could forward to everyone and better even write it as a blog.

And then came the first forward. Marriage & Women. Surely it would be some fun stuff, about wife being a nag etc..it wasnt. It said

=======================================================

Indian Women, think before you leap into marriage.

1.In India, marital rape is not a crime. The present law is a contradiction of the unanimous resolution at the UN conference in Beijing, September '95. The resolution guarantees every woman's right to say no to sex as she wishes, specifically wives.

2.A married woman is NOT the natural guardian of her child but an unmarried woman is the guardian of her child.The father's endorsement on every document is still mandatory in schools, colleges, banks, employment matters, domicile and travel documents, licences and all other official identity papers needed by an individual.

And if there is a divorce, the father can still remain the guardian. Geetha Hariharan, a divorcee, had to go to Supreme Court in 1995 when the Reserve Bank of India refused to allow her to sign the documents necessary for investment bonds for her minor son.

Though more than a decade ago in 1989, the Law Commission in its 135th Report recommended that both the mother and father be declared natural guardians with equal rights over the child, this is yet to be implemented. A step in this direction is the Tamilnadu government order making it mandatory for schools to list the mother as joint or sole guardian of the child.

http://www.infochangeindia.org/features96.jsp

3.Though husbands will talk about her right to her parents property, most will not talk about her duties to her parents, financially and emotionally. While he will expect her to participate in his duties to his parents

4. She will have to change the lifestyle habits of over two decades, and others will think just because she is a woman, she will have to accept if the food tastes different, the newspaper, magazines,TV programs are different, the God you worship is different etc. But if he visits her house, he wouldnt appreciate the difference even for a week.

5. If she chooses to be a homemaker, her work will not be recognised or appreciated and it will more tougher to be financially independent and take care of her parents and siblings. Her work would be 24 x 7 without retirement, but if she chooses to work, she would be expected to get the tasks done. Her work will be triffle if she has to do by herself, but even a single task which he has to do will negotiated and argued.

6.She would be expected to treat her in laws as parents but her in laws will think of her as a daughter in law whoose every action should be scrutinised and interpreted for signs of her thinking of splitting the family.

7.If you want a relationship, you can always have a live in , If you want a child think of adoption if legally possible or contact a sperm bank.

8. A common myth when a woman, thinks of sports, hobbies, studies and career is whether that would affect her marriage chances. After all a suntan would be viewed as a dark woman, and a teacher is ok, but a policewoman or lawyer would seem "undomesticated". Singing is ok, but even classical dance could be frowned. Well millions of female foetus have been killed. And unlike the rest of the world, the ratio is fewer women for more men (unless you live in Kerala). And logically more men are going to remain bachelor then women ending up as spinsters. There are 933 women for every 1000 men. And the future is going to be tougher, since in the age group of 0-6, the number of girls per 1000 boys fell from 945 in 91 to 927 at the national level, and in states like Punjab, Haryana, Gujarat and Himachal Pradesh, its fallen below 800 ! http://www.indiatogether.org/2004/sep/hlt-census.htm

http://www.rediff.com/news/2004/aug/09dilip.htm

If you think of life as an onetime lifetime choice, why worry about the society. Those who care for you will be there for you, even if you dont marry. Marriage is a risky venture. This is not to stop you from marriage, but to make you think about what you value most. If you value freedom, right to your body, right to make the right decisions for the child, your duty to your parents, then is marriage the best option for you and is your partner the right choice?

Bungee Jumping is not for everyone. But if you think its fun, just make sure the rope is strong before you leap. Think before you leap.

PS : If you forward this information to atleast one person, you will experience a change of fortune and the good luck would increase with the number of people you send it to.
But if you delete it without sending, please dont blame anyone if bad luck visits you, in direct proportion to the number of forwards the one who had forwarded this to you had made.

In its first stage, the post was forwarded to 500 people, out of them 383 persons forwarded it to their friends and they wrote back to mention that Lady Luck visited them within a week. And it varied from a sudden promotion to a winning a car as a prize (the person had forwarded to 1832 persons). But the 117 people who decided to delete were suprised at the sudden setbacks, it varied from car accidents to sudden lay offs and in two cases being struck by lightning.

This is in the second stage. And its being sent out to 5000 people. We are in the process of having a website, with the names of the people who have benefited by forwarding this email. And so do mention what Lady Luck did to you to the person who forwarded this email, and that person will mention it to the person who had forwarded it to him/her and thus prove to the scientists, with email linkchain, the amazing goodwill and good luck the net can generate.

PPS : You dont have to read the entire, just forward - Life007

=======================================================

Oh now I understand why Life007 sent this, he thought, but why hadnt he written about not having to read it earlier. He thought of cutting and pasting that message on the top, then decided he didnt have time for it, and just forwarded it to everyone in his addressbook.

I will compensate it with a forward on North and South Indian women he decided. And if I get a promotion, I owe it Life007 and I must remember to write back to him and prove the scientists wrong. Now if I post it in a blog, will 1832 persons see it he wondered..

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Before Walking off into the Sunset

Aaah the Romantic Movies and Mills & Boons ! The couple get married, walk off towards the sunset and live happily ever after. Hmmm but before you decide on the marriage, do think twice about your mate and the choice and your commitment. Don't get married if you want to get married for the following reasons.

1. The Age
Of course each one has their own "age". Sometimes we determine it, sometimes its parents,friends,relatives and the neighbour next door.
When you are sure the Age has arrived, look around but don't decide unless you are sure of some other things too.

2. Wannabe
All the friends have got married. Surely I should too.
If your friend goes to a dentist, would you go too? Just because your friends do it doesn't mean you should do it too or importantly that it is good for you.

3.I want to have sex
Variations I want more free sex,
or I am tired of waiting, I wish someone made love to me etc
Marriage is not just about sex, though its one of the main aspect in marriage. Marriage doesnt guarantee good sex though. And sex with a person you dislike is worse than no sex.

4.What will they say
If I go on waiting everyone will think there is something wrong with me or that I am an homosexual etc
Never ever do something only because otherwise people will "talk". If not on your sexuality those who want to gossip, will gossip on something else. I agree its not pleasant when you seem to wait for eternity and you get proposals from the same sex. But hey you cant please all the people at all the time.
And I agree spinster is not as pleasant as bachleor but the society is not going to be there for you. Its your life.

5. I want more money
I want to improve my lifestyle. I will get a dowry if I marry or if I marry and be a homemaker I dont have to work etc
If you marry someone for money, be prepared that the other person will marry you for money too. And also be prepared that the spouse won't stick with you when you go through sticky times.

6.I want to cash in on my looks
I wont deny that a person will get more proposals based on looks in their twenties than in their forties (unless you have some rare gene or visit the plastic surgeon). But if all you have to offer is looks, you won't have it for eternity. And some better looking person can still come along. And if you find it tough to believe looks aren't everything, think about Princess Di.

7. Hot!
Oh yeah fine if it is temporary. The person looks hot and if the way to spend some time with that person is marriage and even if it is temporary, why not?
Tell innocent divorcee and see the smirk.
The second hand tag is tough. And it will be tougher to convince your soul mate, of your commitment next time around. And if you think you are going to find endless queue of "hot"people, well even if you are rich, they are going to be interested in the riches not you.

8.I am lonely
Variations, I am bored (I have achieved all I want so why not try something new etc.), would be good to have someone around the house and share some chores and bring some money.
If you are lonely get a pet, If you are bored you need a hobby not a hubby, if you want someone to help around the house get a housekeeper, and a spouse might bring money but can also spend your money too.

9.Duty
Parents want to finish their duty, grandparents want to see their grandchild before they die etc. Variations, I want to do my duty to the human race.
Its your life and your relationship. Sure
you are eternally grateful to them. But show your gratitude in some other way. And regarding your duty to human race, pay your taxes and use less plastic and fuel etc.

10. I want to have fun on marriage day
Variations, I want to wear that dress (which one is supposed to wear on marriage date), be the center of attention etc
Throw a party and get some other dress. Sure in marriage someone else could bear the party expenses but if the marriage doesnt work, divorce lawyers are more expensive compared to the cost of couple of parties.

11.My boyfriend/girlfriend proposed
Dating is not the same as marriage. Everyone tries to be on the best behaviour during dates.Dating is similar to advertisements and Marriage is similar to maintainence and after sales service.

12. Good friends
Our families are good friends. The mate also is good looking and decent. (i.e
looks sane and no criminal history) Seems to be interested and our family is keen. Ok love can be develop after marriage too. But people are pleasant to strangers, dont take it as a guarantee. Refer to my earlier advise on dating too.

My parents didn't have a problem. Why would I have?Try watching one channel for a day without remote control. Your parents watched Doordarshan and didnt complain, did they. Can you watch for 15 minutes a stuff you don't like on TV? Our lifestyle has changed. We expect to make the best out of every moment in life. And your mate is going to expect the same too. Just be prepared for it.

Marriage is not a guarantee to make life better. It is not a Tablet which will cure for All your problems. But its like a Tonic which can Enhance your life.

PS : If you want to marry because you want to enter the records books on the number of marriages or because of a new reality tv programme, I really don't know what to say other than Aaargh:)

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Single & Ready to Mingle

Please do not take this post seriously. It was written long ago as a long joke.
Guys
Met a girl, want to ask her out.
You see someone who looks decently beautiful and smart, could be coworker or someone you know casually. All you want is some good time and get to know the person better. No, not love at first sight, but just interested.Well if you want to ask her out, you have to do it, not me :) But some tips which could help you.
1.Ask for lunch, not for dinner.
Dont ask her the same day, she may not be genuinely free. Ask her, for the next day. If she refuses, and says she is not free, dont pressurise her immediately and ask for another day. Ask her when it would be convenient and ask her to tell you. If she doesnt give you a day within the next 2 days and doesnt follow it up with an explanation, drop the topic.
2.If you are asking after just introducing yourself, ask for a coffee. If she says she doesnt drink coffee, watch her expression. If she is smiling she could be genuine and ask her the alternative. But if she is grim, please dont suggest tea, give a casual shrug and move on :) What if you hate coffee? Too many movies showing spiked softdrinks,& icecream would depend upon the season, and it would look like addressing a kid, of course you can say milk shake,juice, tea,lassi or something else, for convenience I mentioned coffee. I am not telling you to order coffee, just to ask out for a coffee :)
3.The girl next door.
If you are talking with her, dont talk when someone from the building can see you too together. Gossip can be damaging. Communicate clearly. While you might be just interested in a date, she might think you had been in love with her for some years and last thing you need is a duel between her parents and yours due to communication gap between you both. Meet her outside the building and ask casually about the coffee.
4.A friend of the girl next door.
Well if you are her friend, just ask her to introduce to you next time. But if she is not your friend, just catch her when no one is around, describe the girl you are interested in clearly,(no not the vital stats please:), since she might have many friends), and give your email id and ask her to pass it to her friend. Girls might be reluctant to give their email ids or their friends email ids. So its better if you give yours. Just ask the girl next door to tell her friend to send a Hi to your email id.
4.You meet someone on the street,shopping mall etc, dont know what to do. Well make eye contact and smile. If she smiles back, say hi and walk over. If she blushes, smiles and looks away, hmmm try one more time, but if she doesnt smile, please ignore.
Huh what do you say after Hi, well say your name and what you are doing etc. And dont stand too close to her. See if she says anything, if she replies with she doesnt care who you are, or creates a commotion, stay calm, dont be flustered. Just say you thought she was someone you had studied with at college, etc and walk away. All girls wont do it, and if the same thing happens more than three times with you continuously, I think you dont know to differentiate between a smile and a scowl from a girl. If she gives her name but doesnt say much, just give her your email id. Unless she gives, dont pester her for her id, phone no. etc. Of course you can give your phone no. too, but I am just being cautious.
She doesnt email you and you meet her next time. Please ignore her. If she has lost your email id, let her come forward and mention it. Smile at her but dont approach her.(Though the movies might recommend asking if a hanky is hers or asking the time etc, its just too corny for some. Just say your name, with a pleasant smile, if you cant think of something original).
If she is with someone, dont approach her even if she seems interested in you. If she is interested, she will find a way to dump the persons she is with. Keep an eye on what she is doing, but dont follow her. If you lose her, see if you can catch her again around the same time, the following day, or the same day of the next week. But dont approach a girl when she is with someone, its just not worth it.
5.Your buddy
She has been a good friend for sometime, you want to go an extra step with her. Not love, but to explore the possibility of love. Well start with asking her out to coffee, lunch etc. But explain to her its ok if she is not interested in it.
If you think this is tough then think of these guys -Not able to meet a girl.
1.Well there are some dating sites. Also there are sites for classmates from schools and colleges. Hmmm, well you will have atleast some idea of that person and they too will have some idea about you. Get in touch with them and try your luck :)
2.Attend more social functions including all your friends and colleagues weddings:) (A bad idea, your boss's girl or your colleague's sister. Unless you are serious, dont. If its your colleagues sister, just make sure it will not affect the office relationship.)
3.Chat rooms, blogs on the net are not a bad idea, but be careful, there could be plenty of fakes.Try to be more specific, for example join groups which share your interests. Have your homepage. Just be more cautious, and if you have to meet someone, meet in a public place. Dont insist on a pic, but if you are interested, just ask her out for a coffee in the afternoon. And if you think you have fallen in love, even though you have not see her photo, wait till you see her in person before declaring it.
4.Check the email forwards. It could be a friend of your friend of your friend...Well not exactly a total stranger :)
5.Broaden your horizons, but dont do something you are not comfortable with.
If you like books, visit couple of more libraries, bookshops etc and keep an eye out for interesting girls. But if you loathe books, dont do it. Its stupid to pretend and when she finds about it on the date, either she is going to think you are desperate to meet girls (well it could be true, but its not that cool to admit it) or that you are madly in love with her (well that too could be true, a shared interest is not a prerequisite for romance. But the topic here is dating which is about exploring the possibility of romance. Its not necessary that you will fall in love with her, and when she thinks you are in love and when you are not in love, the date is just going to go sour)
Please dont look at telephone directory and start trying your luck randomly
and also dont hang forever around colleges.
I have suggested lunch or coffee, the other ideas:
Why not a movie?
Well the movie is not a bad idea, but its a bad idea to talk about yourself or get to know the girl during the movie.
Beach, garden etc ???
The girl might hesitate to come on a first date to these places, where it would be easy for you to assault her too.
Sports events, music concerts, etc
If you know she shares your interests, do go ahead, even if you wont be able to get to know each other during it.
A friend's party
It is not a very bad idea, but are you sure you want her to know your friends :D and the timing might not be convenient for her and she might feel overwhelmed if she is the only one who doesnt know everyone and you might not be able to spend time with her.
Asking her out for bowling or a game of tennis etc
Well it depends on the girl, but dont think you will be impressing her by being macho and beating her throughly, on the first date. And its not necessary that just because she is a girl, she cant beat you. Is your ego and heart capable of handling losing to her?
Both of you will just end up competing with each other, not knowing each other. But if circumstances force you to have a first date like this, its ok to go for the win, but just be diplomatic and play it down and say everyone has good days and bad days.
Discotheque
Unless you know she frequents one, dont mention it as a first date option. The time factor would make her hesitate.
What do you talk on date
Well you can tell about your hobbies and interests. Dont go on talking about just yourself. And do ask questions to your date but dont be too inquisitive. Dont talk about all your problems, anger and frustration on the first date :) and dont boast too much about yourself even if what you say is true, its preferable to be slightly modest:)
If you already are engaged, or have a committed boyfriend/girlfriend etc, or you are a widow/divorcee etc do mention it. Ideally in some cases, you should have mentioned it before the date :) But if you have agreed to it, to just check the person out, or thought that it is just a friendly invite not a date, or because as a guy, you couldnt bring yourself to say no bluntly to a girl who invited you, or for some other reason, do make a mention of the relationship on the first date.
If you have split with someone, you could mention casually, but please dont go through the entire history of the relationship on the first date.
Dont get physical with on the first date itself.
Second date
If you know each other, dont ask her for the 2nd date on the 1st date itself. The day after the date, talk to her casually, (well how about goodmorning and the weather, even if you cant think of anything else). If she makes reference to the your date, ask her if they could meet some other time. But dont get too specific. If she avoids you, you know her answer. Dont scowl at her but dont talk to much with her and be pleasant with her and let her know you got the message and you are cool with it. If she agrees do ask her next week. It need not be lunch or coffee, ask her opinion. If she says she is not free during the week, same routine as first date, keep it open and tell her to tell you, when she would be free. So you dont have to pester her.

Girls
The above should apply to the girls too. But lets face it, girls are more shy and frankly, dont like to appear to be too aggressive.
Met the guy, could be a longtime colleague, or a guy you just happened to meeting in a mall.
Well look into his eyes, not his face or top of his head or beyond him. Just the eyes. Even two seconds is enough. Do that thrice in a week, if you are in the same environment, bus etc. If he doesnt make an approach to you, forget it.
He made an approach, you got nervous and blew it. Well dont expect him to run after you, go and be friendly to him, he cant bite you for that. If you cant do that, atleast wish him good morning in a pleasant manner. Its not going to be easy, but it doesnt mean you shouldnt try. But once bitten twice shy, I doubt if he probably would not ask you out again because he wouldnt like rejection or appear pushy. Afraid you will have to do the asking here.
Oh so it is ok to ask?
If you are already introduced to him, its ok to ask for coffee, if you can manage it casually. But just be prepared for his rejection. He could also be polite and agree while he might not be interested. So dont get carried away.
When it is a friend of boy next door
When you are not that friendly with the boy next door, it can be tough. But just walk up to him, and as calmly as possible, describe the guy and ask him for his email id. And send an email to the guy, saying hi, I am ___. Met you ___ and got your email id thru ____. Bye. Thats enough. If the guy doesnt respond, forget it. Of course you can also give your email id.
So girls can suggest movies,beaches,parks etc? Use your discretion though I wouldnt advise it. What I said re, sports events, music concerts, applies here too.
And if you want courage to muster asking to him, you could walk out with him couple of times and talk generally, if you are working together etc.
If you have asked him for the coffee, dont approach for the second date. Let him ask you. But keep the communication channel open by being pleasant to him. The guy could be unsure on whether you are still interested in him and perhaps if you are interested in him, think you would ask for the 2nd date also. On the other hand the guy could have been emotionally pressurised to accept the first date or he might not be interested in you. Its safer to not ask for the 2nd date, but just be pleasant and polite.
Can't find a guy.
Huh even though the population is in favour of the girls, sometimes Mr.Right is not always around the corner.
Well what I said for guys apply here too, but just be more careful when you have to meet strangers. Dont paste your pic on the net, even if it increases the chances of meeting Mr.Right, it just increases the chances of you meeting Mr.Wrong a lot.

Common for both
Everyone would be curious to view your picture. But that doesnt mean you will have to share it with everyone. And the pic of the person displayed need not be the true pic.
Keep two email ids, one for important stuff like etransactions, family etc. And the other for friends. Especially friends who forward emails to everyone on the planet.
Exchanging email ids instead of telephone nos. Generally when its the first date, one might blabber or get nervous or get too excited etc. Therefore email id is better then phone, it gives both of you plenty of time to get composed and then compose what you want to say:)
What if you discover you are not interested in the second date, especially if you have asked for the first date. Well its insulting when you suddenly ignore the person, especially if you know the person, be pleasant but do maintain some distance. Though cliched, if the other person mentions another date, make an excuse of not being available and the I will get back to you routine.
Though tempting avoid asking your dates for their friend's email ids :) If you want to ask, ask after you are on good terms with that person.
Valentine day
Well here I am clearly talking about dating not romance. Its better to go on a date and check for the chances of romance then to give the impression that you are madly in love and then break up after a month.
Obviously all are not the same, and these are just broad guidelines. These are not rules, magazines are there for that.
The idealists would object to my term of dating being "exploring the possibility of romance".This post is not for these idealists. It would of course be lot easier if people just fall in love at first sight. But it doesnt happen always.
And how does one know that the quest has ended? Aaah thats another post:)
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Compatibility Checklist

Should one wait for eternity for the soulmate? Not at all. Just be clear on why you want to get married and what you want from marriage and what efforts you are willing to put in. Love sure is great, but two compatible individuals can make a marriage work too. And for your convenience have thought of a Compatibility Checklist

1. What is the room temperature we both are comfortable in. (9 out of 10 you will like AC during the night and your spouse wont or the other way round.)

2.What time do you sleep and wake up. (Think its dumb? Ask and you will be amazed)

3. My parents are not perfect. Please love them and tolerate them What you want me to love your parents too??? And I should consider their suggestions while making my decisions??? What do you mean by being polite to your friends? And how will you treat my friends?

4.What do you watch on TV or is it ok if we have different tv and watch different programmes.Similarly, do we have to do everything together? Shopping, movies etc.

5.If its a holiday will you like to prefer to go out more or slouch around the house.

6.Do you read books. What do you read. If its the same choice,decide who gets to read it first. If one reads and other doesnt, decide what the other will do when one reads.

7. Everyone loves music. Find out the volume the spouse prefers to hear it in.

8. How much of your salary do you spend on other family, past loans, lifestyle,hobbies etc. Do you believe in investment, and what do you prefer to invest in and what do you think are basic essential expenditure (list out. just eating out , clothing, etc won't do). How much can we spend without checking with the other. and vice versa.

9.What are your bad, irritating, annoying habits which you wont change even for me.

10. What are the dates I should remember (Include family and friends important dates too.Write down and save it). What are the gifts I can buy and not buy. Is an utility item a gift? Are you sure you love suprises?

11.We all love net. Check the number of computers and the internet connections and also the sites the partner would visit and their net ids. (The nteractive websites list is particularly important. Who wants to complain, flirt etc , only to find out its your spouse). If both of you are bloggers -Agree to not visit the spouse blog and vice versa. No one likes criticism and there can never be enough of appreciation.

12.Do you know to cook? Do you clean after cooking? Who should cook when and ask them to be specific on their food preferences. Just Indian, Chinese won't do. How many spoons of sugar in coffee, how spicy, how much oil, coconut whatever etc. (Better if each write down the specifications and negotiate.)

13.What is your favourite problem solving technique?
Astrologer, counsellor, family, friends, mag columns, ignore etc and mix and match them. Of course all problems are not similar. But be prepared for the techniques.

14.Can we discuss sex?

15.When to have children, and what each one of us should do for the child. (Discuss nappy changing, doing homework etc too. Not just being a role model for the child blah blah blah). And if any career adjustments should be made after having children.

Please note that all the points apply to men and women unless specifically excluded.But if all this is tough for you just ask think what you would like to do if you get 15 minutes of free time. And ask the other person to think and then tell. If it matches, go ahead. Hmmm sometimes thats all you get to spend with the person in a day.

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posted on Monday, November 15, 2004 3:06 PM