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Dec 4, 2006

Finding Friendships - II - The S Factor

My muse spoke during the previous post, on how tough its for singles to find friends. And now, my conscience speaks on how its tougher to find friends, after being married. The S factor, ie the Spouse factor, interfers, not only when one tries to find new friends, but could also could cut down on existing friends. Well thats something the Singles, dont have to worry about.

Before the moan and groan, lets classify, the Couples. There are just 2 kinds of Couples. Married with kids, and Married without kids.


Rule 1 : Married with kids, dont gel well with Married without kids.
The “with Kids” dont understand, why the “withouts” can't understand, their children are precious, talented, sweet kids, and why the “withouts“ make a big deal out of kids crying, or be mean and deny kids their mobile or remote control, when the little angel asks for them..The without Kids dont understand why the kids control everything. And why the parents pamper the kids and turn them into spoilt wailing brats. (After having kids, they will know the mysterious, secret reason).

Rule 2 : Just because you get along with your friend and you both dont have kids, doesnt mean
Your spouse will like your friend
Your spouse will like your friend's spouse
Your friend will like your spouse
Your friend's spouse will like you
Your friend's spouse will like your spouse.
And when in a group, when one doesnt like the other, its not easy to take it beyond acquaintance. And its not always possible to exclude the spouses.

Rule 3 : If you have kids, what matters is not whether, you, your friend, your friend's spouse or your spouse like each other.
All that matters, is whether the kid likes the friend's kid. Never ever maintain a friendship with a parent of a child your kid hates. You dare to raise an eyebrow? Go ahead braveheart try it, and dont forget to take earplugs to combat the wails. You are stuck up with your kid's friend's parents. And dont worry, your kid wont get into undesirable friendships. It knows that if it makes the maid's kid, its friend, the maid's kid, doesnt have the toys it has.

Rule 4 : Its tougher for women after marriage to find new friends than men. Especially if they dont live in a nuclear family.
There is a difference between stepping out of the house to meet a friend approved by the inlaws, then to say vaguely, I am going to this place, hoping to make new friends.

Rule 5 : For women living with inlaws, other than the above, also avoid having these people as friends, even if they were your friend before marriage.
1. Divorcees : Even if she is the best friend, she is a bad influence. So you are expected to dump her or maintain a distance from her.
2. Widows : She could be bad luck. But if she fits in with the customs, and she has been your friend since highschool, well..she could be ok..
3. Women who have been married for 2 years and still dont have kids. (Even if you dont have kids, she could be a bad influence). This doesnt mean its ok for you to continue your friendship with a woman who has had a child outside wedlock. It could reflect on your character..:D
4. Men : Unless, you a tie Rakhi, men are bad news, especially unmarried men, unless, they want your inlaws to find them wives and are willing to spend more time with them, than with you.
5. Women who are lawyers, police officers, models, etc.
6. People who are NOT friends of the family and their relatives. Therefore, before you talk with a married woman your age, check if her family gets along with your family. Surely you dont want to be a traitor.

Rule 6 : For men, female friends are mostly not ok, unless they are married or have a visible boyfriend.
Widowers, divorcees, men without kids are ok, as long as they can get along with your spouse. Men from any career are ok, as long as they are employed.

Rule 7 : Its tough to Find Friendship if you or your spouse is a Freak.
Social Definition of A Freak :
1. A man who believes women have to be respected.
2. A woman who believes she is a human, and therefore equal to human males.
3. A man or a woman who believes caste and religion, dont matter, even in a private conversation.
4. A man or a woman who is goody goody and believes in paying taxes, not watching pirated movies and treating the servants as humans, not giving bribes and in a nutshell, is just being a pain, for being Holier than thou.
5. A woman who hates shopping for gold,and garments, unless its necessary and a man who hates shopping for electronics, unless its necessary.
6. A male homemaker
7. A female who hates soaps
8. A male who isnt interested in the Indian men's cricket team.
9. A man or woman who thinks a child has to be given what it needs, not what it wants, even if it Wails for it.
10. A man or woman who thinks, discussing current affairs, includes talking about how 7000 Indians die Everyday from Hunger, How a woman dies Every 5 minutes due to childbirth in India (and that its worse than the situation in Sri Lanka or Bangladesh), Neonatal mortality rates, 47% of Indian children are under nourished., female foeticide and that there are only 927 girls per 1000 boys and its becoming every worse every decade, Child marriage is more than 50% in some states, Environment, Cost of Indian Parliament is more than a crore per day and so on..

Rule 8 : Husband talks with Husband and Wife talks with Wife.
Even if initally a Wife and a Husband had been friends from kindergarden. (And if you are a man talking with a husband of your friend from kindergarden, never talk, as if,you know your friend better than the spouse, even if they have been married for just a day. Similar rule for the woman, talking to the best friend's wife.)

Rule 9 : Having pets is like having kids.
People with pets are more likely to find new friendships with those who have similar pets, and of course its important that the pets get along, and the topic of conversation would also include on pet foods and doctors and so on...
If you have pet and kid, well now its important to find people your pet and kid likes. Phew. And may God Bless You.

Rule 10 : If you are :
1. Female Divorcee : Dont waste your time trying to finding friendships with married couple. Unless you have a visible big scar, from your exhusband. Watch out, your married girl friends may have to distance themselves from you.

2. Male Divorcee : You have better options than the female one. But if you have are going to talk about the visible big scar from your ex wife, you better have had an affair, otherwise, no husband wants to befriend a "wimp", even if he is a wimp.

3. Widow : You will have your existing friends, and also your husband's friends. But they will expect you to have a "silent, sad, and yet I will manage smile". If you want to have fun (even 2 years after his death, they arent the right people for you). And dont expect them to find you a new boyfriend or husband.

4. Widower : You too will retain your friends. Be prepared for suggestions of getting married, 1 month after her death. And your friends would love to cheer you up.

5. Live ins : Forget finding friendships in married couples. They will never understand why you dont have to be married, and you will never understand, why they got married.

6. Single Parent : Make friends, with those who have kids.

7. A Homosexual Couple : You can rule out many people as your friends, unless, you can get away with we are room mates, and searching for romance and avoid suspicion. But why would you want endless, suggestions and proposals, when you already have your family doing it for you?

And if you are planning to get married, dont forget to invite everyone you know. Especially those who are already married, whom you avoided because you thought they were boring. Now you know, why you need them.

All Posts on Relationships . Previous Posts for Married : Do you need him to be happy?


  1. Absolutely Loved it !!!!
    Whatever you said is so true and its fun to read. I am supposedly a bad influence on my friends with no kids. You can imagine why :))

    - Shurti

  2. God !! U are writing some kind of thesis?!Anyway,gr8 job

  3. rule 4 - if the woman is working, then it is easier to make friends (atleast from the workplace)

  4. shruti, well i too dont have no kids, so u can imagine the response..

    btw have u arrived at the suggestions for doctor/temple stage yet:D
    and shruti from the tagboard? :)

  5. manohar well no, was just thinking about it:d

  6. whiskey priest
    oops i missed out on it, thanks for pointing it out. :)will append

  7. Hi Interesting take of friendship. Enlightening I must say..


  8. Yeah...I am the same Shruti :)
    I had one miscarriage and then I decided to give myself some time.

    Thankfully, I am still not in temple/doctor stage but now I am introduced to all happy Mumma's in world :).


  9. shruti i am sorry to hear about it. well i had a miscarriage too, and know it isnt easy.
    the important thing is to remember there is more to you :)


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