Did I write that? Did I think those stuff? Cool. I thought, when I came across 3 comments yesterday in Blogging about Boss. Its not even a year old. Yet, if someone had asked me, what I had written on that topic, I would have just stared back. And perhaps could have come up with one point after thinking, for 5 minutes. And yesterday, while going through my list to select my Favourites, I came across, couple of titles, whoose contents, I didnt have a clue.
Sure every stuff I write is original and comes from the heart, filtered by the head. But its tough when memory fails you.
When you open the fridge and stare at it for a minute, your mind goes blank, and yet you desperately want to remember, feeling helpless, as if I am drowning in dark waters, staring at the contents, hoping for a clue, wondering why I opened it.
And then thankfully, logic rescues me. I Think back, at what I had been doing. And realise, for cooking that thing, I would have needed to open the white door of the cupboard, not the white door of the fridge. Happens with people all the time. But its tough when it happens too many times, in a day. And hey I am just 32 not 82. And its not easy when you cant just remember 482.86 and have to copy paste it from one screen to another.
I struggle hard to remember, and many times, its ironical to be complimented for memory. Well thats because, most people take their memory for granted, I dont. I think back or write down. You become obsessed with thought, when you have to rely on the thought process.
But this isnt just about memory and me. Its the logic, that I insert into everything. The compulsiveness, I feel to be correct.
After 10th Prelim exam results, when I went from home to school for the 3rd time, to tell the geography teacher my marks have to be reduced. A paper corrected by perhaps another generous student, for a result that wouldnt be recorded, I remember the puzzled words of the teacher "What are you trying to do?". I dont think I had an answer, and even now I dont have, other than a voice which said, "This isnt the right mark, take it back, to the school"..It was fine once, but thrice?? And as a quirk its fine once, but at every point in life??
I want to finish this post soon, because I am not comfortable, talking about myself. Sure I like attention, but at what I create, not at self. Because I would hate, to be misunderstood. And I pity the person who misunderstands my point, since I will come back again and again, to clarify and communicate my point.
And while people just think, I think over the way I think and the way, others think. It of course helps while analysing or understanding, and the base of logic, creates in a funny way, emphathy for everyone. And perhaps, its wonderful that I am pursuing Psychology.
But this mind, puts a toll on my relationship. When I sound like a lawyer and break down the sentences, in an arguement. Or when I speak like I am under oath, mentioning all the Ifs and all the exceptions, in casual conversations.
And people are wrong when they say they want someone to be understanding and good. Understand people too much, they wonder if you are manipulating them. And by being good, you just make them feel guilty, and no one likes to feel guilty.
Why am I writing it? Because while framing the 3rd and Last Post on Finding Friendship, I wondered how I would define my friend. And what I would expect from my friend.
It took just few seconds to come to the sentence,"My friend would be a person who thinks like me". Thats not the same as agreeing with me.
But unless the person sees the patterns I do, while watching a movie, reading a book, or just in a conversation, it will be tough to have a long term relationship with me. Sure I have many good relationships, some due to family and some due to acquaintance. But to me, they arent friendships.
A friend is someone who will understand me. Who understands why I have two different hobbies, Thinking and Imagining. Who understands how its possible to be idealistic and cynical at the same time. Who understands why death doesnt disturb me, and yet why a line from a movie, can make me sob. Who understands my humour, and my passion. And who doesnt think I am joking when I am being serious, and serious, when I am just joking:D
If Friendship is about trust,
Its tough to trust, what you dont understand
And its tough to understand me,
When you dont know understand, the way I think.
My mind and the way I think, helps me to be friendly to everyone. Yet leaves me without a true friend. If Friends are defined as people without bloodties, who CARE about me, I am thankfully blessed with many. But my there would be more in my ideal friendship.
I realise if I changed the way I think, I would have more friends and possibly be more happy.
But if I change the way I think, am I being, me, Myself?
And if I cant be happy with myself,
Whats the point of being happy due to others?
And so I simply smile, feel good, for being me,
and hope to find a friend,
even when I am prepared to never have a friend.
PPS : Bloggers who write, I may not have friends because I dont give what I want, havent understood the post, or perhaps didnt have time to read the post:D
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