A quick guide to Indian metros, Mumbai Delhi Chennai and Kolkatta. Since the Wise Donkey has never been to Kolkatta, clueless on that city. Try to absorb what is useful, enjoy whats funny. If you think its childish, biased and stupid, well, its free and written by "Wise Donkey", what elsecan you expect. By popular demand - Bangalore
Mumbai :Never curse in Hindi,Tamil,Malayalam,Bengali, Gujarathi,Telungu,Kannada or even English. You never know who is from where. Marathi is safer, unless you are in Dadar.
Delhi : Curse in any language, but if you wanted to be respected, curse in Spanish, German, Japanese, Italian, Greek, or Latin
Chennai : Never curse in English, everyone understands it. Curse eloquently and you will be asked to join a political party. And if you are a Tamilian who has come to Chennai, they are speaking Tamil, not cursing you.
Kolkatta : "Saurav Ganguly shouldnt be in the team", is considered a curse.
Bangalore : “You are as smart as your CM” is considered a curse.
Mumbai : Despite what Readers Digest says, people will help you with directions. It will go something like 40 minutes in train, 5 minutes to the bus stop near the railway station, 25 minutes on the bus the 13th stop, get down and walk straight for 2 minutes and take a left and within 15 minutes you would have arrive. And dont get confused if most of the places have an East or a West.
Delhi : You should own atleast a Mercedes to get reliable directions
Chennai : Take a left after the 5th Pilayarkoil (Ganesh temple) on this street, you will come to an Aman temple, take a right after the 3rd Wines/Tasmac Shop in that street, I dont know about any school in that area, but its half km before the __ theatre.
The longest route is by auto and when you pay by meter. (The shortest route if you bargain with the autodriver for 1/5th of the amount he asks you).
Actually if you want to know the shortest route, ask me the route from Pitsburgh to New Jersey (My son stay in Boston, my neighbour's daughter stays in Washington DC, My cousin stays in San Diego and I have been to New York thrice ...). If you dont know Tamil its ok but please know atleast English.
Kolkatta : Dunno
Bangalore : People will be helpful, even if the directions might not be useful
To be popular
Mumbai : Be yourself and dont be pretentious
Delhi : Mention you know 5 ministers
Chennai : Mention you have a parking space in Panagal Park and can get 5% discount in GRT, Pothys ,Chennai Silks etc
Kolkatta : Appreciate Culture
Bangalore : Mention Mr.Murthy should be our next President or its time Bangalore became the Official Capital of India
Where to Eat
Mumbai : The street food is also good
Delhi : In a ___'s party, or in an exotic restaurant.
Chennai : Saravana Bhavan, Vasantha Bhavan or Sangeetha. One and all of them will be in any and every area. And please pretend they are cheap, even if your friend from Bangalore says, the food over there is better cheaper and bigger.
Kolkatta : Dunno
Bangalore : Wonderful variety, and it will be wonderful if we dont gain weight from eating
Mumbai : Trains. In first class you can breath after every 20 seconds while in second class you can breath only after every 35 seconds. Thats why there is a difference in fare.
Delhi : Any imported car will be fine. And if you are a woman, you can get a free massage in the buses
Chennai : Own a car, keep it at home because there wont be parking space at work and its faster to travel by two wheeler. If you travel by auto, crib about the fare to your friends and family not to police or politician (they own them). Only losers travel by train or bus, Pathetic losers think of bicycle and walking, huh whats that?
Kolkatta : Tram is interesting right?
Bangalore : You may have to spend more time waiting than speeding
Mumbai : Sony, Star, Zee, better plan it out. And if Ekta kills a character, she better watch out, we will protest.
Delhi : Daarling you are nothing, if you are not on TV giving your opinion.
Chennai : Sun TV and Jaya TV are talking about the same state. The state will become hell or heaven depending on who is ruling and which channel you are watching. Watch Vijay TV to be different, Watch Raj TV when you dont care and watch Win Tv when you are on it. And watch Podhigai if you want some substance. Whatever you watch, you will know whats happening through the ads for Chennai, Silks, Pothys, New Nalli,RMKV, Naidu Hall, Saravana1, and Saravana 2 and Kumaran. Thats just for the clothes, I havent mentioned the jewellery. The serials wont change forever, the ad campaigns change every 2 months.
Kolkatta : Dunno
Bangalore : Yawn who watches TV, go out and have fun.
Mumbai : Even in Bus stops
Delhi : You are a loser and dont know anybody
Chennai : Only outside US Consulate. For the LKG admissions to some schools, pay someone to stand there overnight, and then when the school gate opens,make a random rush and try your luck (and outside Chennai, in Tirupathi)
Kolkatta : Dunno
Bangalore : Do traffic jams count as Qs?
You are cool
Mumbai : If you are from Xavier / Mithibai college, own a 400sq flat in Bandra or a bungalow in Juhu
Delhi : The right colleges arent enough, you have to go the right school too. And own couple of imported cars, and know couple of ministers
Chennai : If you are from Stella/Ethiraj (girls) Loyola (guys). Or you should visit Mayajaal atleast once a week
Kolkatta : You have written a book or made a film.
Bangalore : If you live in Bangalore, you have made a cool choice, and you are automatically considered cool.
Mumbai : Trains and the Drains after Rains
Delhi : Brats who are faster than Narain, and TV journos, out for a byte.
Chennai : Water Tankers and TNagar Traffic and the speed at ECR
Kolkatta : The police over here wear white.
Bangalore : You dont work in IT/BPO sector and want to save money.
Mumbaikar : Would have studied or worked in Mumbai but wouldnt be a Maharashtrian and will never complain about any city or place.
Delhite : Will be in London
Chennaite : Is the person who misses the filter kaapi and rasam, more than the family. (Yet at home wouldnt have drunk filter kaapi much).
Kolkattian(?) : Would hate this post. And be right in calling this stupid.
Bangalorean : Clarifies to everyone Bangalore is not like other Indian cities.
While Watching Cricket in
Kolkatta : Never wear anything synthetic, you dont watch it catch fire after the match
Mumbai : Shout Pakistan Hai Hai or Ganapathi Bapa Moriya or go "ta ta, dat a, dat a, dain, tat ta dat ta dat, Yo".
Chennai : Watch it on TV. Cricket matches are scheduled only during the Rains.
Delhi : What matters is not what you are watching, but with whom you are watching, and if others are watching with whom you are watching.
Bangalore : Never throw anything at the players, there is a giant net and it will come back to you
Never Ever Say in
Mumbai : Shiv Sena is irrelevant
Delhi : I love the PM and I think the PM is smarter than me and you / Mumbai is better than Delhi
Chennai : Karnataka is right in not giving Cauvery water
Kolkatta : Subash Chandra Bose is dead
Bangalore : Tamilnadu is right in asking for Cauvery Water, Duh.
They will never believe this
Mumbai : Its ok complain, crib and cry
Delhi : India is not just Delhi
Chennai : Its not ok when AIADMK and DMK switch between Congress and BJP after almost every election
Kolkatta : There is a political party besides CPM
Bangalore : Hyderabad can compete with them.