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Jul 19, 2011

Caste, Culture and Speed Swayamvar

Saw this (Long) ad on some Tele Shopping  channel, yesterday night.

A black SUV drives upto a snow covered mansion . A foreigner (presumably American) opens the door for a tall,handsome Hrithik like guy. A British(?) Butler opens the door of the mansion, bows deeply at our Hero and takes the laptop bag from the assistant. Our suit-boot Hero, instead of going inside,sits on the patio and says,
"Hi I am Raj. Five Years ago, when I was coming to USA, my father took me aside at the airport and said, "Your mother is a heart patient, please, please don't giver her any shocks".

(Image of Raj in an aeroplane, mournfully gazing at the picture of his parents). " I knew what he meant. And I decided to stay away from girls."

Back to mansion patio, a grim Hero. "You see my cousin  had gotten into love marriage and his wife, wasn't, from, our, caste." Bitter voice. "Of course all Castes are Equal, but The Culture; its soo different. My uncle  was broadminded. After all she was a Doctor & her parents were well educated and settled. But it was so stressful for my aunty to handle all the comments  & train Her, into the Culture of our, Community."

 "At the airport i was met by Vijay. The boy I was supposed to replace." Image of a semi-bald guy hugging over Hero, in some US airport (Filled with fair girls in mini skirts and shorts).

 And he had only one advice for me."Dude, do Date". (Vijay's voice filled with despair )

Back to patio Hero, extreme closeup. "I was Shocked" Pauses.
Sad sitar background music."You see Vijay had his reason .He had not dated anyone in US. And back home when his wedding was arranged, the bride's parents did a backgroundcheck & the report suggested.. "
Hero looks around then whispers looking away "he could be"

After few seconds , collects and composes himself and continues "And 2 years without oil bath & nutrition meant he was also LOSING HAIR. So he had to rush back home to clear his name and get married before losing more hair." eyes widened to express Horror.

"I didn't want to end up like Vijay!" with a resolute expression and a finality. (Background music, couple of drumbeats).

Recovers, with a Smug Smile "Being a software engineer I did my research & few days later came across a wonderful website & fixed an appointment with their representative."

Image of our Hero meeting a guy from some bank ad.(Clean shaven, rimless glasses and a huge comforting smile. )

Back to patio Hero. "Ravi understood my dilemma immediately. He explained I could date girls,from my own Culture. Back home parents match horoscopes, exchange pictures within their Culture & then Meet, Eat & Discuss . While people like my cousin fall in love, then Meet, Eat and Discuss. Ravi pointed out I could enter my details and requirements, in their database , and get access to pictures of girl's who match my horoscope ,within - my-OWN COMMUNITY (widened eyes). All I had to do was to Meet, Eat and Discuss. Love absolutely not required!"

"And guess what, she would prepare the food. Back home one never knows who made the Bhaji, and if the Sweet is from a shop!1"laughs heartily.

"I was worried about the character of the girl. A girl who meets strangers..."
"Then Ravi mentioned that about Chaperoned girls. An aunty would be with us all the time!"

"I consulted my parents" pauses to wipe away a small tear from his eye.
"and they consulted their elders and astrologers. And we registered for a non-manglik, musically inclined, 22-24 year old, tall, fair, pretty, professional settled in USA (within our community) who would be escorted during our dates by an Aunty,  for just $5000."

"And during the trial period, if I was not satisfied with the girls I could always, get my money back!"

"The first girl was nice, but she served Bisibellabath with potato chips." rolls eyes.
"The second made fantastic puri masal. But her favorite actor didn't match mine!"

"Frankly my friends, I was deeply disappointed. Then I again talked with Ravi. He pointed out that a Speed Swayamvar, our cultural version of Speed Dating, was being organised in Pittsburgh for all their American members, with a separate Hall for each Community . I immediately registered.After all it was just 500 dollars!"

"And one week later I walked into a hall." Image of 50 dining tables filled with food and  pretty girls in saris and heavy ornaments, near each table with aunties, in the background and our Hero dressed in light blue heavily embroidered Kurta. (And background music, Tere Bin from Guru).

Back at the Patio, Hero, takes a deep breath. "Vazhakai Bajji, Thengai Chutney, Badam Halwa & Filter Coffee aaah..I was immediately drawn to that table. And when I tasted it I realised, I had met my Princess."

Image of Hero walking away with a girl, to another room with 2 giant screens filled with their smiling parents. To video conference, I guess. (Background music Shehnai).

Back at the mansion,door opens on cue and an Asin like girl wearing a big diamond necklace, in a pink sari & mehendhied hand, full of bangles,  brings some masal vadai (not sure which chutney) & coffee (or tea).

Raj, (our Patio Hero)munches masal vadai, smiles & introduces Wife (Princess), a Vice President in a MNC Bank.

She shyly hands him a gold coin, turns to the camera & explains."YOU can also help India grow Culturally. Even if you are married refer a friend to this wonderful website & you will get a 22kt gold coin when they register!'

Turns to Hero, who has drunk his heavenly coffee or tea.'You haven't told them about your friend Vijay."

Hero Laughs "Well when I heard they have centers not only across USA but also in Europe Singapore & Australia I referred him. He was so grateful. Now he is happily settled in Paris".

Image of Vijay with his own Princess grinning near the Eiffel Tower. (For the curious, his hairline has improved, whether due to Paris water, or stress free life or some fantastic hair oil, I don't know, thats probably another ad.) (For the ultra curious, I don't know why Vijay went to Paris).

Back at the Patio, a chubby 2 year old (in a  grey suit with red tie) comes out of the mansion, hugs them while the Hero says "Call Now!" numbers scroll for various countries. (duly noted by me).
Princess says "Protect our.."
Boy raises hand "Culture!" and they all high five each other then kiss the boy and laughing merrily, enter the mansion to live happily ever after.

The point of the Long Post? Wanted to find out if anyone's interested in protecting our culture and sharing a gold coin during the process. 

PS :The next speed swayamvar is scheduled  this weekend in New Jersey & Geneva & Canberra.

Jul 17, 2011

Terrorising the Terrorists

Dear Mr.(Islamic) Terrorist.

Stop thinking we are sitting ducks. We are not. Don't you see how we protect our netas. Our Aam Admi? Well they are Our soldiers. Just like you don't question your Boss, back home. We don't question our Bosses (whom we elect unlike you). And while you might get martyrdom, we give the kin of Our martyrs few Lakhs. See our life is not Cheap. (In case you want to die as Our Soldier don't ask me the procedure for getting this amount, but knowing our system I am sure it will be very easy and soothing)

Stop smirking! How dare you think, we are unprepared for you. We have a 10 point Massive Retaliation Plan against you chartered by the Media, Stars & Netas:-

1.Breaking News on all News Channel with the latest information. (Yeah they will be delivered to us Immediately, even without waiting for the silly task of verfication, so that we can take further precautions against you).

2.Netas of ruling party appear on all channels appealing for calm. Netas of opposition party appear on all channels talking about the inefficiency of the CM/PM.

3.Stars empathize with the aam admi and rage against the System and You Cowards via their Tweets. And now Thanks to Sachin(!?) the World of cricketers also tweet against you.

4.Media, on the Frontline of our Fight against you, Talks against You and Talks about the Tweets of the Stars and Talks with our Netas and Page 3 Intellectuals.

5.If you dare to attack Mumbai, we have a special segment and debate on the Mumbai Spirit. (Other victim cities are trying to come up with their own Response Term).

6.Don't think the Aam Indian doesn't care. We switch on the TV, listen and discuss with other Responsible Indians and try to update each other with information. And criticise our netas, babus  police and media. (sorry media). Of course there are some, who are more proactive. We send smses and tweet (Against You) and if you let out your name in advance, we can make you a TT on Twitter. And those with more time, will blog Against You.

7.If We or our Stars and Neta, party after or during the attack, its just to show You, You don't affect us. Ha! Can your people come up concepts like this?

8.Don't think we don't know who you are. WE KNOW. Whatever your Father's name, we know your Mother's name is ISI.(Is there a way to patent this insult?) See we have a simple rule. If its a metro its You. If its some security personnel attacked in some town, its Naxals. (Saffron terror, probably Your Hindu ancestors, back from the past through some time machine.)

9.We don't stop combating you with the immediate response. We have intellectuals like Subramaniam Swamy and Digvijay Singh who have their grand own Masterplan. And we have a highly active online responsible citizens community, discussing it through Tweets and Blogs. If you are reading them and think they just the say same thing everytime and it just retweets and copy-pastes. Well, thats just to confuse You. Its all a code to confuse, you.

10.And as our final blow to you. We give you a Date. (Hopefully you idiots won't attack us again on the same date later and let us safely mourn). And erase you from our memory. Thats right we erase your wounds from our memory. Don't think you are totally forgotten, we will remember all the details, when you attack us,again. And don't think you are forgiven either. Don't you see us raging against Kasab/Kasav/Qasab?

Watchout you #@$@#$@# we are Prepared.

PS : This post is intended to strike terror in the heart of the terrorists. This is NOT the platform for any bleeding heart to talk about victims and the compensation they get or don't get. Don't suggest any ideas for helping the victims of terror. Thats just distracts us from our war on terror. Please don't get swayed by your emotions. Be brave hearted and  be Virat.

Jul 16, 2011

Life Living and Alive

Life is for Living
Living doesn't mean feeling
Alive, for just a few seconds
Trust not the thrills, that temptation beckons
Second Chances? Death never ever reckons

Death might Inevitable
But why Invite it, or become differently abled.

Singles too and not just Sixes and fours,
are required to make, a good cricket score.
Accept the hot sun and singles, even if they seem to be a bore
Life is about dealing with, not running away from chores.

Your enemy is not Fear
for Your life, wisely She steers.
You don't have to conquer the elements to conquer your emotions.
Stop defining and living your life by other's notions.

Throw away the shackles of fear
If she chains you from making a stand.
But if she is going to keep you from being crippled
Fight your Ego, and take her helping hand.

From heights, or to depths, you don't have to dive
Close your eyes, Dive within, and Feel alive.

Risks & Two Minute Thrills are Death's Aura
Jeena Sambhalke mere yaara,
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

Jul 15, 2011

Comfort vs Happiness

Familiarity is soothing and comfortable. I could evolve from an animal, but I can't dissolve those survival instincts.
Why should I change, when everything changes except change, anyway?
Why should I dare to speak, when silence is easier. 
Why should I blog? When its easier to just think of a post, frame it in my mind and then move on. 
There would be no anxiety over its outcome, no pouting over the lack of comments, and no need to respond or elaborate.
Inertia is easy, and so comfortable. 

Pursuit of Happiness, requires risks and sacrifices. And perhaps, the emotion of happiness overrated? And the experts tell me, there are two types of happiness, the permanent and the temporary, "high".

I am going through many emotions at the moment. This week I have to make another trip to Chennai. And it seems to me, every time I blog, its about a trip from or to Chennai. Offline, its not just a loss of a family member, but tough times with people whom I thought were friends who thought I was just an acquaintance. And yet I have not become a cynic, thanks to the support and thoughts of  some bloggers I have come across. 

A voice within tells me the good old days of blogging are over, with the new responsibilities. While another voice says, hey you have taken the toughest step, the first step.

Aargh I was just so happy being comfortable in my zone, keeping quiet, and being wise, and yet its impossible to shut out the donkee within.