Life Lessons for my Kid

Dear Kid,
While its your life, and you have to learn your own lessons, thought I could make it easier for you by sharing some lessons I have learned.

LIFE & GOD

1.Life is not Fair
Instead of wasting your time thinking in terms of "but" this should not have happened, think "and" this has happened, what can I do now.

2.God Exists
Its tough to accept the concept life is not fair, with the existence of God. But just think of God as a Single Working Mom, who cares for her children but doesn't have the time and energy to do everything the children want or need. (When you are really mad at God, just think God is busy keeping some galaxies from colliding with each other).

3.Bad things can happen to Good people
The point of goodness is not to prevent "bad" things from happening to you. Goodness feels good, thats all.


PEOPLE
4.Don't Laugh At Anyone.
This is perhaps more of my superstition, but just trust me. Think, if Ram hadn't mocked Kaikeyi's maid, perhaps he wouldn't have been exiled. If the brothers had not mocked Surpanaka, Sita might not have been kidnapped. And if Draupadi hadn't laughed at Duryodhanan in the Palace of Illusions, perhaps the animosity wouldn't have increased. Why give "bad" people one more excuse to get back at you. (For the person who insults, its written in sand but for the receiver its etched in rock.)

5.People don't like to feel Guilty.
If you are going to make someone feel guilty, atleast provide them an excuse for their action. Otherwise they are just going to resent you. The temporary "holier than thou" high you will receive, is absolutely worthless. (This doesn't mean don't stand up for what you believe. Just don't make everything personal. (Focus on the behaviour and not on the person).

6.Trust but don't believe.
Trust intentions but don't believe everything people say. If your friend suggests you a scheme, trust the friend's intentions.But that shouldn't mean, you should believe in the suggested schemes.

7.People and You
Swat away the mosquitoes, gently sweep away the ants, be respectful of the bees, don't waste time chasing butterflies, ignore the spiders, and most importantly learn how to not get irritated with the flies. And don't be ashamed to scream, when you come across cockroaches. And if possible, corelate this with people. (A tip, the flies are the good people who behave badly). And be prepared for one category to transform into another. Just when you decide someone is an ant, they decide to become a fly.!!

CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS
8.Decide if you want to be Happy or Right.(thanks Dr.Phil). 
For many years I thought I couldn't be Happy if I wasn't accepted as Right. Well now I realise, being Right isn't the Only way to be Happy.

9.Satisfied but not Happy?
Its not your partner, friend or anyone's responsibility to make you happy. Learn to generate your own happiness.

10.Patience can be a part of "Aggression"
When it comes to in-laws, just remember Sunil Gavaskar's quote "Give the first hour to the bowlers because the next five hours will be yours."

CAREER
11. Career Choices
If you have to choose between "doing what one wants to do" and "doing what one is good at", choose to do what you want to do. Even if you fail, you will at least have the satisfaction of having done, what You wanted to do. And if you are confused about what you want, just imagine things going awfully wrong with your choice. If you are still willing to accept responsibility for it, you will know its Your choice.(Btw only in theories, Bosses want you to be perfect. Make a small mistake once in a while, they would love to correct you and guide you and prove to you, they are your Boss for a reason).

SELF
12.Smile
You don't have to feel great to smile,
You don't need an excuse or reason to smile.
Yet if you feel you do, just smile for a few seconds at yourself,
You would realise you feel good.
And what better reason do you need?
Just to feel good, many abuse their bodies.
Why go for that, when you can achieve it with a simple smile.

Think of Smile as a Single Run
And a Laugh as a Six or Four.
You need not hit a Six or Four with every ball
Even singles count.
Be glad you are not out,
Instead of waiting for a stimulus to make you smile.
Stimulate yourself with a smile :)

Love
Mom.

Caste, Culture and Speed Swayamvar

Saw this (Long) ad on some Tele Shopping  channel, yesterday night.

A black SUV drives upto a snow covered mansion . A foreigner (presumably American) opens the door for a tall,handsome Hrithik like guy. A British(?) Butler opens the door of the mansion, bows deeply at our Hero and takes the laptop bag from the assistant. Our suit-boot Hero, instead of going inside,sits on the patio and says,
"Hi I am Raj. Five Years ago, when I was coming to USA, my father took me aside at the airport and said, "Your mother is a heart patient, please, please don't giver her any shocks".

(Image of Raj in an aeroplane, mournfully gazing at the picture of his parents). " I knew what he meant. And I decided to stay away from girls."

Back to mansion patio, a grim Hero. "You see my cousin  had gotten into love marriage and his wife, wasn't, from, our, caste." Bitter voice. "Of course all Castes are Equal, but The Culture; its soo different. My uncle  was broadminded. After all she was a Doctor & her parents were well educated and settled. But it was so stressful for my aunty to handle all the comments  & train Her, into the Culture of our, Community."

 "At the airport i was met by Vijay. The boy I was supposed to replace." Image of a semi-bald guy hugging over Hero, in some US airport (Filled with fair girls in mini skirts and shorts).

 And he had only one advice for me."Dude, do Date". (Vijay's voice filled with despair )

Back to patio Hero, extreme closeup. "I was Shocked" Pauses.
Sad sitar background music."You see Vijay had his reason .He had not dated anyone in US. And back home when his wedding was arranged, the bride's parents did a backgroundcheck & the report suggested.. "
Hero looks around then whispers looking away "he could be ....gay."

After few seconds , collects and composes himself and continues "And 2 years without oil bath & nutrition meant he was also LOSING HAIR. So he had to rush back home to clear his name and get married before losing more hair." eyes widened to express Horror.

"I didn't want to end up like Vijay!" with a resolute expression and a finality. (Background music, couple of drumbeats).

Recovers, with a Smug Smile "Being a software engineer I did my research & few days later came across a wonderful website & fixed an appointment with their representative."

Image of our Hero meeting a guy from some bank ad.(Clean shaven, rimless glasses and a huge comforting smile. )

Back to patio Hero. "Ravi understood my dilemma immediately. He explained I could date girls,from my own Culture. Back home parents match horoscopes, exchange pictures within their Culture & then Meet, Eat & Discuss . While people like my cousin fall in love, then Meet, Eat and Discuss. Ravi pointed out I could enter my details and requirements, in their database , and get access to pictures of girl's who match my horoscope ,within - my-OWN COMMUNITY (widened eyes). All I had to do was to Meet, Eat and Discuss. Love absolutely not required!"

"And guess what, she would prepare the food. Back home one never knows who made the Bhaji, and if the Sweet is from a shop!1"laughs heartily.

"I was worried about the character of the girl. A girl who meets strangers..."
"Then Ravi mentioned that about Chaperoned girls. An aunty would be with us all the time!"

"I consulted my parents" pauses to wipe away a small tear from his eye.
"and they consulted their elders and astrologers. And we registered for a non-manglik, musically inclined, 22-24 year old, tall, fair, pretty, professional settled in USA (within our community) who would be escorted during our dates by an Aunty,  for just $5000."

"And during the trial period, if I was not satisfied with the girls I could always, get my money back!"

"The first girl was nice, but she served Bisibellabath with potato chips." rolls eyes.
"The second made fantastic puri masal. But her favorite actor didn't match mine!"

"Frankly my friends, I was deeply disappointed. Then I again talked with Ravi. He pointed out that a Speed Swayamvar, our cultural version of Speed Dating, was being organised in Pittsburgh for all their American members, with a separate Hall for each Community . I immediately registered.After all it was just 500 dollars!"

"And one week later I walked into a hall." Image of 50 dining tables filled with food and  pretty girls in saris and heavy ornaments, near each table with aunties, in the background and our Hero dressed in light blue heavily embroidered Kurta. (And background music, Tere Bin from Guru).

Back at the Patio, Hero, takes a deep breath. "Vazhakai Bajji, Thengai Chutney, Badam Halwa & Filter Coffee aaah..I was immediately drawn to that table. And when I tasted it I realised, I had met my Princess."

Image of Hero walking away with a girl, to another room with 2 giant screens filled with their smiling parents. To video conference, I guess. (Background music Shehnai).

Back at the mansion,door opens on cue and an Asin like girl wearing a big diamond necklace, in a pink sari & mehendhied hand, full of bangles,  brings some masal vadai (not sure which chutney) & coffee (or tea).

Raj, (our Patio Hero)munches masal vadai, smiles & introduces Wife (Princess), a Vice President in a MNC Bank.

She shyly hands him a gold coin, turns to the camera & explains."YOU can also help India grow Culturally. Even if you are married refer a friend to this wonderful website & you will get a 22kt gold coin when they register!'

Turns to Hero, who has drunk his heavenly coffee or tea.'You haven't told them about your friend Vijay."

Hero Laughs "Well when I heard they have centers not only across USA but also in Europe Singapore & Australia I referred him. He was so grateful. Now he is happily settled in Paris".

Image of Vijay with his own Princess grinning near the Eiffel Tower. (For the curious, his hairline has improved, whether due to Paris water, or stress free life or some fantastic hair oil, I don't know, thats probably another ad.) (For the ultra curious, I don't know why Vijay went to Paris).

Back at the Patio, a chubby 2 year old (in a  grey suit with red tie) comes out of the mansion, hugs them while the Hero says "Call Now!" numbers scroll for various countries. (duly noted by me).
Princess says "Protect our.."
Boy raises hand "Culture!" and they all high five each other then kiss the boy and laughing merrily, enter the mansion to live happily ever after.

The point of the Long Post? Wanted to find out if anyone's interested in protecting our culture and sharing a gold coin during the process. 

PS :The next speed swayamvar is scheduled  this weekend in New Jersey & Geneva & Canberra.

Terrorising the Terrorists

Dear Mr.(Islamic) Terrorist.

Stop thinking we are sitting ducks. We are not. Don't you see how we protect our netas. Our Aam Admi? Well they are Our soldiers. Just like you don't question your Boss, back home. We don't question our Bosses (whom we elect unlike you). And while you might get martyrdom, we give the kin of Our martyrs few Lakhs. See our life is not Cheap. (In case you want to die as Our Soldier don't ask me the procedure for getting this amount, but knowing our system I am sure it will be very easy and soothing)

Stop smirking! How dare you think, we are unprepared for you. We have a 10 point Massive Retaliation Plan against you chartered by the Media, Stars & Netas:-

1.Breaking News on all News Channel with the latest information. (Yeah they will be delivered to us Immediately, even without waiting for the silly task of verfication, so that we can take further precautions against you).

2.Netas of ruling party appear on all channels appealing for calm. Netas of opposition party appear on all channels talking about the inefficiency of the CM/PM.

3.Stars empathize with the aam admi and rage against the System and You Cowards via their Tweets. And now Thanks to Sachin(!?) the World of cricketers also tweet against you.

4.Media, on the Frontline of our Fight against you, Talks against You and Talks about the Tweets of the Stars and Talks with our Netas and Page 3 Intellectuals.

5.If you dare to attack Mumbai, we have a special segment and debate on the Mumbai Spirit. (Other victim cities are trying to come up with their own Response Term).

6.Don't think the Aam Indian doesn't care. We switch on the TV, listen and discuss with other Responsible Indians and try to update each other with information. And criticise our netas, babus  police and media. (sorry media). Of course there are some, who are more proactive. We send smses and tweet (Against You) and if you let out your name in advance, we can make you a TT on Twitter. And those with more time, will blog Against You.

7.If We or our Stars and Neta, party after or during the attack, its just to show You, You don't affect us. Ha! Can your people come up concepts like this?

8.Don't think we don't know who you are. WE KNOW. Whatever your Father's name, we know your Mother's name is ISI.(Is there a way to patent this insult?) See we have a simple rule. If its a metro its You. If its some security personnel attacked in some town, its Naxals. (Saffron terror, probably Your Hindu ancestors, back from the past through some time machine.)

9.We don't stop combating you with the immediate response. We have intellectuals like Subramaniam Swamy and Digvijay Singh who have their grand own Masterplan. And we have a highly active online responsible citizens community, discussing it through Tweets and Blogs. If you are reading them and think they just the say same thing everytime and it just retweets and copy-pastes. Well, thats just to confuse You. Its all a code to confuse, you.

10.And as our final blow to you. We give you a Date. (Hopefully you idiots won't attack us again on the same date later and let us safely mourn). And erase you from our memory. Thats right we erase your wounds from our memory. Don't think you are totally forgotten, we will remember all the details, when you attack us,again. And don't think you are forgiven either. Don't you see us raging against Kasab/Kasav/Qasab?

• Even if our Force 1 doesn't have a dedicated home and a place to train, 
• Watchout 10% of them have bulletproof vests helmets and blastproof eyewear etc.
• Of Mumbai 43000 policemen, (150 yes 150 can you deal with it?) have bullet proof jackets.
• And wipe off the smirk while thinking about the quality of those bullet proof jackets. We have now extra careful babus,even if it means 50000 multifunctional belts ordered by the police haven't got the final rubber stamp of approval. And so what if the network of 5000 cctv cameras are yet to be installed. We have private enterprise. Shopkeepers had installed cameras in two of the three places where bombs exploded during 13/7.

Watchout you #@$@#$@# we are Prepared.

PS : This post is intended to strike terror in the heart of the terrorists. This is NOT the platform for any bleeding heart to talk about victims and the compensation they get or don't get. Don't suggest any ideas for helping the victims of terror. Thats just distracts us from our war on terror. Please don't get swayed by your emotions. Be brave hearted and  be Virat.