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May 7, 2005

Donkee's suggestions for success at work:)

Today had been busy giving suggestions to my friend wcm who wanted some work related suggestions. Thought I would share few of my suggestions with other bloggers.

For career advancement
Get a greeting card get with a puppy. (Dont choose a Pamela card since the attention will be on the pic and not your message.)


All along you have been my guide, philospher and mentor .
Earlier like others in the company I had thought you were a slave driver who had plenty of perks .
But your kindness, compassion and appreciation of my work (even if not reflected in the pay) ,
has made me realise you are not just a human being but a saint.
Boss, I have been troubled lately to realise that not only those beneath you
but also those above you do not appreciate you for the hard work you put in the company
I also realise your marriage and other relationships could be in trouble due to your dedication to your work and if you dont take care, you could be damaging your Heart too
And that dear Boss will break my Heart.

Dear Hero of my life,
let me take care of you and nourish you and cherish you
and return the debt I owe you

Dear Boss, please make me your Boss.


====================
Alternatively if you want just a raise and dont have time to get cards and can only send emails adopt this strategy



Dear (name of the hr manager of your rival company)
I thank you for your offer of ______ (the designation of ur boss) post and the salary of Rs ________ (slightly higher than ur boss salary) (of course better instead of Rs u use $ and let ur boss convert.)

But I must firmly refuse your unsolicited offer on the grounds that :
1.I am a valuable employee of the company and the company will collapse without me
2.I am a loyal employee of the company and soon I am going to become the employee of the year of my company.
3.Though I admit that the perks and position offered by you is higher then what is being offered at the moment, I am sure my boss is intelligent and smart and knows my value and will reevaluate my pay structure this week.
4.and its likely that I will get within this month

A.A bigger cabin
B.Flexible work options
C.Smarter dedicated assistants
D.Paid annual vacation to an European country of my choice
E.A chaffeur driven ____ car (specify your brand &pls dont write Ambasador)
F.Increased HRA which will allow me to live in a luxurious flat. (Add more if you can think of anything else)

There are probably better things my Creative Intelligent Boss can come up with for me, in consultation with our Competitive, Resourceful Motivating HR team, but I am too busy with my work at the moment to think of those.

But I will be fair and if you offer all this to me first, I would have to with deep regret, quit my organisation.

Yours sincerely
---------------
(your name)

Send this as an email to your boss ! When you boss brings it up, go red and ask how boss came to know about it, mumble about you sending it to boss since boss email id always in ur mind, and then slap ur hand on ur forehead and say, oh that means the rival company would think I have accepted their offer, look dazed and ask your boss with soulful eyes to help you out of this mess, by atleast giving you a raise.

====================

If you are fired dont worry, can help with your covering letter for another job application too.

For a fantastic career to God you pray,
And hope you wont be some manager's prey
Donkee is here to help your luck sway
Write this to HR,and get your way.

Without career in your Co I will decay,
And through this poem, my hopes I convey
For a chance with your org, I pray everyday
Aah what wouldnt I give, for a chance to obey.

Will never quit and your secrets betray
Have no fear I will never go astray
And will not leave even for a career in USA,
And by working hard, your fears I will allay

Will never turn up late or a project delay
Or spend time at buffet or cafe
Why will not even ask for an increased pay
And cause you stress and, dismay.

Weekend working? no probs, work for me is everyday,
After all I am all work and no play.
All you have to do is to give this application an okay
Give me a chance to prove all this is not cliche


Good luck :)

====================


This is for mngt babe blogger who wanted my "advice "for freshers interview in the same blog.

1.Get a morphed photo of yourself and some influential local. (Could be a politician IN POWER or the company CEO) . Let it "accidentally"get the attention of the interview panel. And confess Well this person is my inspiration blah blah

2.Hint your parents are millionaires, and you are working only to prove yourself (and that way you can emotionally negotiate the salary and say "but thats not even what I pay my maid !"). Also hint your grandmother another millionaire is dying and yet to write her and will use your advise for random acts of kindness, which can also include those in The panel.

3.Have your friend call you in your mobile (beg or borrow a good model) during the interview. Apologise for answering it and pretend its their rival company desperate to make you join their company. Throw figures and end with a polite "I will consider"

4.Say you are linguistic, its always a good additional qualification. With google learn few phrases of Italian,French German or other European languages. Japanese too is good, Chinese and Korean taking it too far, Thai pointless unless related to your business and if you learn some African language, dont blame me if you get kicked out. (Dont fake knowing other Indian languages, chances are you will be transferred to that area)

5.Corporatise your CV. You might be right out of college, but everyone likes experience.
So translate all your experience in the corporate lingo.
For Eg : Last summer was employed by a Leading MNC, to personally take care of their retail end of the supply chain and to smoothen the logsistics of their product delivery. Job Description also included -
  • Also had to interact with their leading customers on customer satisfaction. And provide on the spot solutions to problems faced by the customer, if any and address and take appropriate, immediate action towards their complaints, if any, as per the corporate's internal guidelines.
  • Being a brand ambassador for the corporate's product
  • And other products, promoted through our supply chain
  • Motivating other team members,
  • To attend tenders and give quotations as laid down by the internal rules
  • Also had to calculate the special discounts for our customer, as per the rules laid down by the Vice President - Promotions.
Entered into a non-disclosure agreement and hence cant provide additional specific details since disclosure would affect their market.

Can bloggers guess what the job would have been if not " Corporatised" ?

30 comments:

  1. another suggestion on similar lines included -
    u can keep this at ur drawer or wherever ur boss is likely to look or send it as an email addressed to ur friend to ur boss's email id. (strategy on discovery already mentioned in the post)

    5 reasons my boss will give me a raise
    1.My boss is smart i will and so will know the rivals are aching to have me and will give a raise

    2.My boss is smart, will recognise if i get a raise i will be more motivated and worker harder and thus increase cos profits and he will get a bonus from that profit

    3.My boss is smart and he is fantastic in economics and knows the inflation is high, and i deserve a raise

    4.My boss is smart, also knows the economics of hiring 2 employees which will happen when i quit, so will give me a raise and let me do the work of 2

    5.My boss is smart, though I deserve a promotion and other perks and though there r offers from other companies, he is smart enough to realise how loyal i can be and so will ask me to stay with a raise.

    My boss is smart and because i work with him i am also smart, he is smart enough to know i am smart and smart enough to retain me because i am smart. i wish i was smart enough to switch another company and be smart enough to be not satisfied with just a raise, but its smart to stay with a smart boss, because the smart boss knows a smart employee and will give a raise to a smart employee even before the smart employee asks for a raise. Hats off to the smart boss !

    ===
    if a blogger has a boss who is preoccupied with only stocks or wants a mushier alternative for raise or doesnt want to be sent away recently, and more importantly want my suggestions check the wcm post comments section or ask me to paste it here:)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ohhh Wd you are a month late with this one.....

    The appraisals are already over, and I'm eagely awaiting the results of the same now....but these are really good ones. Will try them when the next appraisal nears....

    ReplyDelete
  3. @$#!$# :)
    well all the best with the current one :) and hopefully u wont have to use these suggestions:)

    i went thru that test btw it gave me a Paladin:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hehe, I liked your second idea best. I should send it from my mums email to her boss...she works so hard and doesn't get paid enough but doesn't seem to mind. It would be so funny, but she'd kill me!

    ReplyDelete
  5. hahahaha amazing..!!! I liked them all...hmm mine is still due..;) should I try..? but my boss is already so impressed with my work..probably some other time lol

    thnx for the suggestions ;)

    ReplyDelete
  6. :)nothing like it? can u get away with it sayin its ur mother's day gift:D,
    Hope she doesnt have to work hard or gets the hike she deserves:)

    dawn, i forgot to write a disclaimer:) if ur boss is impressed pls dont use any of these:)

    btw no guesses on the job mentioned in the last para:(

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi WD....Sooooper post!!...& is that the description for a Domino's Pizza delivery boy?!! ;-p

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sunny thanks:D

    Well yes:p (If it had been Pizza Hut, it would have involved even Mr.Bush:D)

    ReplyDelete
  9. that fellow must have been the pizza delivery boy :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. hey WD, these are kind of funny. You should have posted this for that sulekha contest :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks for fulfilling a request.The last time I heard the word "morph" was from Kareena Kapoor in defence of the controversial pic!
    I hope I wont have to resort to all this while doing up my pre-placement profile though.Better let my grades speak for themselves:)Meanwhile your poems sure will light up the campus rumpus bulletin.

    ReplyDelete
  12. :)) mngt babe,
    agree with u and hope ur grades speaks for you:)
    wish u the best:) have a fantastic week :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. ahahah you just put in some of my thoughts !! :) LOLOL

    ReplyDelete
  14. Good one Gaya..Now write something on how to deal with 'Office Politics'
    errr..politicians:-(

    ReplyDelete
  15. "gaya"

    This has lots of use to me since ...Im due for an appraisal in another 4 months :) ..

    ReplyDelete
  16. sangeeta will :D
    amita, all the best and hope u dont have to use these suggestions :D

    ReplyDelete
  17. hey WD that's cool...btw what are the profile details for a paladin??

    Thanks for your wishes...and as I type this, our QSM is in progress..hopefully the increment will be announced there...

    fingers crossed.

    ReplyDelete
  18. @$#!$# paladin =
    "I strive to help others, and to bring truth and harmony to the world however I can. Whether times are good or bad, you can always count on me. I'm a shoulder to cry on, a champion for the helpless, and an all around nice person"

    ===
    fingers crossed:)

    ReplyDelete
  19. you definitely match the paladin's profile(at least by reading your posts I can say this!)

    Well not much was achieved by crossing those fingers(except that they're hurting now)...the hike wud b announced after 2 weeks...boohoo....

    ReplyDelete
  20. :)) well thanks, but i doubt if an all around nice person :d

    oooooooooh 2 weeks,well hope its worth the wait:)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Unbeliveably Awesome !!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. was the guy in the last para - a Pizza delievry Boy ! :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. recca thanks :)
    yeah with Dominos.
    If it had been Pizza Hut it would have involved USA dollars etc :D

    ReplyDelete
  24. yepieeeeee i got it right :D wats the prize :D , jus kidding . btw was this really written in a resume or was it the part of ur imagination. Both ways - it was just AWESOME !:):) i wld certainly take some advise from u b4 i write my resume :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. its useless to ask me what i get, since, i will start sobbing and say , i blog from home and even net sob sob is not free for me.
    hopefully you were kiddin on the resume part too :D i wont mind helping, but i dont know if it will help:)

    Hey everything was on the spot stuff :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. :)) ok dont cry , i wll no more ask for prize :D

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete

Have a Great Day!